Understand, its not my intention to ruffle any feathers or to offend anyone(especially the sista’s) but this is an issue that, in my opinion needs to be discussed. I’ve talked my boys about this as well and some ladies and they’re varying opinions on the subject, but I’m going to give my opinion. The question is…“WHY ARE SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMEN SINGLE?” Is it by choice? Is it because they’re a lack of successful black men? Is it because the black men that are successful, date white women? Maybe its because brotha’s are intimidated by sista’s who happen to make more money or are more educated? Can it be that successful black women don’t know their “role”?(Uh huh…calm down ladies) Could it be that some brotha’s are “switch hitters” or swing on the other side of the fence. Or can it be that the sista’s are reaching to “high?” Honestly, I believe that its a combination of these things. I could write a book on this subject from my vantage point, but I’ll just pose three reason’s that in my opinion are the reason’s why successful sista’s are single.
I understand that you may want a brotha with as much if not more education than you. I understand that you may want a brotha who makes more money than you. Well lets get somethings straight….This is 2009! School isn’t for everybody. Whats wrong with the blue collar construction worker dating a attorney? Whats wrong with the District Manager at McDonalds, who worked his way up from the grill dating a doctor? In my opinion, nothing. As long as the brotha is treating you right and supportive of your goals and dreams, I frankly don’t see anything wrong with that combination. Sista’s who are attorney’s want..an Attorney. Sista’s who are businesswoman want a… Businessman. Sista’s who are doctors…want a Surgeon. Now this isn’t the case all the time. The thing about men is that frankly…We don’t give a damn!!! I was engaged in college and I told my ex-fiance’ that your accomplishments are an added bonus to who you are. They don’t define you. I loved her for who she was, Not because she has what is now 4 college degrees(yeah she doing it).A brotha who is an attorney will date a woman who is a hair stylist. A brotha who is a doctor will date a sista who is a teacher. A brotha who is an engineer will date the customer service rep at Sprint. Doesn’t matter to us! As long as she is supportive and treats us like our mothers(joking lol)we’re cool!!
Now sista’s, before you throw a shoe at the screen, here me out(rather read me out..lol). I’m a Ne-Yo fan and one of my favorite songs is “Miss Independent” and I also like the remix with Jamie Foxx. Now, an independent woman is sexy as hell. Its a verse on the remix that Ne-Yo and Jamie Foxx say” THERE IS NOTHING LIKE A WOMAN THAT WANTS BUT DON’T NEED ME”! Mannnnn, when a woman says that, it makes a brotha toes curl!!! Now here is where the issue comes in. Since sista’s have there “own”, some sista’s feel that they run everything in their respective relationships!!! You feel that your the breadwinner, because your bringing in the most bread. You feel that you can do and say what you want because of your position in Corporate America. News Flash Sista’s THAT’S WHY YOUR SINGLE!!! If you telling a brotha how its going to be and that you don’t need him because you “got your own” then a brotha will tell you “be single, with your own stuff”. Let us be men! Period. Don’t throw up in our faces how much more money you make or imply that your career is more important than ours. Its not about ego, its about respect. Again, I’m speaking from my perspective. Frankly, I don’t care if my girlfriend or wife made more money than me, but understand, I will be the man of my relationship and or house. The buck stops here!! Am I saying that she has no input…No, of course not. I’m stating that men are leaders and women look to their men for guidance. If your married and the brotha loses his job, your going to look up at him for reassurance. Your going to want him to tell you “Its going to be alright sweetie. I’ll make it alright!” Now, he also needs to be there for you. Its just now a one way street. Understand that your standing in your career shouldn’t have any bearing on your standing in your relationship.
I had to add this one because a lot of brotha’s feel this way. I’m speaking for the brotha’s right now. I don’t necessarily feel this way. I’m not intimidated by any woman.(except Halle Berry….my boo since I was 13). Because of how successful sista’s are and they’re willingness to let you how successful they are and that they don’t need us, kind of makes it hard to approach you. Now not all sista’s are like this. I don’t blame the sista’s who are cool, for the brotha’s being punks not and wanting to step up and approach you. But, to the brotha’s defense, some of you ladies have a big “STEP OFF” sign stamped on the middle of your foreheads, so it makes it difficult. Nobody wants to be rejected. That sucks!(I wouldn’t know) It would be cool, if the ladies would approach a brotha they were interested in, but a lot of sista’s don’t do that. That’s crazy! You’re “Miss Independent” right? Its 2009, right? Some sista’s demeanor and attitude makes them unapproachable. For example, I was at a club several months ago and I was standing at the bar and happen to look to my right and saw a very attractive young lady. She looked like she wasn’t having a good time, so, I said” Hello, how are you?” She turns and retorts “Do I know you?” I said, ” No that’s why I’m saying hello”. She apologized for her tone and offered me a drink but I was so put off by her original comment and how she said it that I declined. I wasn’t trying to get her number or anything, I was just being polite. For some reason, some sista’s think that if you speak to them, you’re trying to have a conversation or want something from them. Sorry dear, some brotha’s are just being polite. Its some of us still out there.
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{ 89 comments… read them below or add one }
I am single because I refuse to settle. I’ll be honest- I want someone who is my equal, someone that I am equally yoked with and I don’t think that is asking for too much. I’m a very ambitious person, and I want someone who is the same. It might sound harsh, but me and the fry cook at McDonald’s hardly have anything in common. We come from two distinctly different worlds and trying to skip over that fact will only cause problems in the long run. It doesn’t mean I’m any better than him or the next guy, just that we’re reading from two different books here. I reject the notion that I should stop reaching high and looking for someone who is established and a gentleman, and other women should too. And I’m willing to “let a man be a man”, but if a guy is so insecure that he feels intimidated by someone he doesn’t even know then perhaps thats a sign that he needs to get himself together so that he may get on that level playing field where he too can reach high without feeling like he has nothing to offer. If you want the title, then you’ve got to play the part.
If a woman is so fickle as to believe that there can be nothing she has in common with a fry cook at McDonald’s, then she deserves to remain single all her life. She certainly shouldn’t have sons, or daughters, for that matter. The trouble with this type of woman is that they fail to see potential in anyone, and rarely know how to nurture it, even in their own off-springs. The values on which these women base relationships have more to do with “what you can do for me” than in “how you make me feel” or our mutual ability to inspire each other to greatness. She is not the kind of woman that I would choose. I’ll always opt for a woman who will be with me in sickness or in health, for better or for worst, in riches or in poverty, whether I have a job today and lose it tomorrow, or not. A woman who only seems value in what her man does for a living rather than in who he is as a person is about as loveable to me as an abscess.
@Boogieboa i totally agree with you. I am currently dating, i never really had the single problem, but I’m still really young lol (22). But to be quite honest, the things I look for in a man are honesty, kindness and he has to genuinely make me laugh. I feel that women are looking for the WRONG things when they approach men. How much money he makes and what he does for a living will NOT DICTATE the way he treats you.
I feel alot of black women are single because, their criteria of what makes a good man is all wrong. (I am black too) But i am not worried about the kind of car my man drives, or how much money he makes. I am more concerned with how we feel when we are together. Jobs come and go, but love lasts forever.
Rethink your priorities ladies. peace & love xoxo
I agree Haylo, don’t settle for anything less than what you bring to the table.
I wish some black men would stop making excuses as to why they can’t do something and “man-up” and educate themselves. If I am a high achiever or have busted my tail to accomplish my goals then that is what I am going to look for. Water seeks its’ level.
Black men (not all) need to expand their horizons and start focusing on more important things than how many times they “hit it” or hanging out with their “boys” and start educating themselves, start being innovative and create their own businesses(not just barber shop and food joints).
I refuse to accept mediocrity…and I waited until I met the right man who brought all of that and more to the table. My husband has two Masters and is a corporate exec. and loves me and our family dearly. He is a committed God fearing man and fine! Yes, you can have your hearts desires, if you give it to God, exercise patience, bring something comparable to the table and not settle for the okey doke.
Instead of the author making excuses for the McDonald’s fry cook turn manager, encourage one another to educate themselves, yes formally and informally and think outside the box. Some black men need to stop settling for mediocrity in their own lives. These last two generations have had the most access and privilege than any other generation of black people before. Black men step up to the plate, accept the challenge and stop disappointing black sisters with your complacency and mediocrity.
I agree about the profession thing for the most part. I don’t see what’s wrong with me dating someone who worked really hard to get where he is even if he doesn’t have a Master’s Degree. I see love for love. If i happen to love someone who makes less money than me, then I’ll take that because I’m not in it for the money. As long as *we* can support ourselves and our family then that’s all that matters. Of course marrying someone with more or the same amount of money as me would be nice in terms of financial stability, but there is no guarantee that while I’m out there waiting for Mr. Lawyers or whatever, that he’ll be the type of man that I need/want in my life. He may have his ducks in a row, but we may not be compatible other wise. While the District Mgr @ MickeyD’s started off as fry cook, at least I know he’s a hard worker, has business acumen, and hopefully will put that same level of hard work into our relationship.
If this has any value, from the male perspective I can see why women wouldn’t agree with any of these points. 1) I don’t think women are reaching too high. I think successful people have generally gone through the same experiences so they can better relate to each other. The attorney that has to work 80 hours one week might cause jealousy or discontent in her partner. But if her partner is also an attorney or doctor or whatever, then he’ll be more likely to understand. They’ll tend to have similar backgrounds and probably similar ambitions and thus a more unitary understanding of each other.
I don’t necessarily think that successful black women don’t know their role either. If she’s making double what he’s making then most assuredly she’s likely to be the “man” of the house. And since most successful black women are used to being independent and proactive in their profession, they’re likely to want to hold the same position in their relationship. Think about #1 in context with #2. Would you expect a female CEO to look to a McDonalds district manager for assurance?
Lastly, I think we can blame a lot of women’s attitude on how they are typically approached. Not many men have the cordial gentlemanly approach that you used. Most women are used to getting hit on by sex-thirsty guys with brokedown, tired, and overused lines. So they just react to what they’ve come to expect.
@Gregory Q. Roberson, Yes I would expect a lawyer to look at the district manager for assurance the sameway I disagree that bread winner is considered the man of the house. However, I could be mistaken and somewhere missed when we started to define manhood by the amount of money he makes. The problem here as nothing to do with professional but the way people starting viewing the world from their vantage in regards to success and how the match us with mating. Yet you failed to give the brother credit for being able to take of his business simply because he didnt go on to further education , not excusing maybe it was his life chance at the time to not to go futher. At the same time you do not give him credit to be a stand up guy and his support his wife while she works her 80 hrs. You asusme every guy is insecure and dont know how to manage his ego. You also imply that a woman is not reaching high enough if she with the man not in coporate america because he didnt choose to devote his time to work for the white man. This is why I think that TD jakes movies was a great example( for got what it is called tho.) It is about the persons in the relationship learning to compromise and scarafice and truly putting in work to make a relationship work. No relationship are without their faults and tribulations. It is through consistent hard work that only they survive . Who wants to work hard. Well that why alot of relationship fail. If Michelle Obama thought like yyou she would of left OBama because he was giving up his job to do some little grass root work. On another note , when a man approach a woman some time their attitudes are disgusting. Even if you are not feeling the guy being rude just makes you nasty when hee cordially approaching . This is what killing black america we need considered that good men and women are not defined by profession or material wealth rather by the person within . Take it or Leave it
@Gregory Q. Roberson,
I understand that train of thought. However, if you are looking for honesty and devotion, I dont think a man has to have a certain job to have those things. A job does NOT DEFINE a person. I am not saying to meet someone who has no aspirations. I am saying, get to know the guy, look at his heart and then decide whether or not to move forward. Jobs are all temporary as we have seen in this recession. But love, lasts beyond the unemployment line. As I said before, rethink your priorities ladies…….xoxo
@Gregory Q. Roberson, I agree,,Hard working people who have sacrificed their time in school getting degrees or, starting up your own business putting in over 40 hours a week… have a minimum in common with a manager at a fast food restrant. Of course your hard work and accomplishments define who you are… Its what you have done with your life!! and your time!!.. hello? If you became a competing body builder, would that define who you are? It defines what you eat, how you manage your self controll, your time, your energy.. the people you associate with…. same with a career. Not a Job, a career… it does define you. When you loose that career as it sometimes happens you know you have the stamina to get up and do it all over again.. because that is who you are. I get this conversation alot… Your relationships even with same sex relationships, also define who you are they tell people how you view yourself and what values you place on yourself and what you require and respect in another person. For a hard working achieveing woman who settles for a man who is out of her league will eventually loose respect for him if he cannot deal with life’s problems that come to the door of all relationships. When the roof needs to be redone, whos power will be the supporting resource? If the power isnt strong enough on both sides to balance the relationship the burden will eventually become too much. It is traditonal for the “man of the house” to have the power. I want him to have it too however, You also need to prepare for roles of power, fluidity and balance in your relationships. Your hard work deserves it even if your single till the males in your circle have grown into men that understand what stability and sacrafice mean to the security of your lives together. Long term relationships need much more than just LOVE.. lasting love needs to be supported… find a mate who can carry close or more to what you can… respect yourself and choose a man not just a male.
I had to comment because I totally disagree with your number one. I think that it is totally ludicrous to actually try and date someone who doesn’t share the same drive/success/potential to accomplish things in life as yourself. That sounds good dating the “blue collar” worker. But realistically, if the highlight of your day was getting burned by the fryer at McDonald’s and mine was finally closing a billion dollar contract, I’m sorry although there may be extreme attraction, I foresee a relationship that won’t last. I think that it is perfectly fair to want to be with someone who is as accomplished as yourself, or on their way, or that brings something to the table that is equally as marketable as your accolades. The reason why we go to school and get multiple degrees is to get hired with a good job, so that in turn we can have a good life (hopefully with a mate that has done the same). I do agree however that school isn’t for everyone, and some people are easily inspired by their selves to become successful (in some aspect) without it. I just think it’s easier to relate to someone who has an understanding of what your daily regiment is (because they too have something going on for themselves) considering people spend a good portion of their lives at work. And the comparisons to men dating anyone, are different from you examples of who women would date. lol I would date a teacher or customer service rep but not the fryer at McDonalds. But as you alluded to (sort of) men want to be men, which in some cases equates to them being the bread winners so they don’t mind dating someone that isn’t as accomplished as them because that makes them more of a “man”.
I would like to comment on the other two but I think number one bothered me the most…lol
I luvs it! To the point and unapologetic!
I hope when I become successful after college that I am not a single black woman, but the older I get, the more I can see that happening. This article just reinforced why.
1) I don’t want to have to financially take care of a man. This is the fundamental difference between men and women. Men are supposed to provide. This is why a male doctor can date a female waitress but a female doctor would be crazy to date a male waitress. Call me old fashioned but men are supposed to provide for the household.
2) I cannot be in a relationship with a man that I cannot have a conversation with. I learned sooooo much in college and it is such a huge chunk of time in a person’s life that I don’t understand someone who skipped it all together. I would like to be with a man who went to college but I know going to college doesn’t guarantee intelligence. However, he at least needs to be an avid reader or watch the news or something. Love and romance and all that only takes you so far, at some point, we’re going to have to be able to talk to each other and have some similar frame of reference.
Good article…but I’m still holding onto hope. I don’t need a lot of men to fit my “list”. All I need is one
I will first start by saying that I am successful and single-by choice. So that I can further my career, I know there are certain things that I have to do so that I can get to where I want to be, ie: work 50 hour weeks, attend networking functions and galas, continue my community service efforts and spend weekend nights studying and preparing myself for the next work week instead of “club hopping”. (This is not to say that I do not go out ocassionally). Your first statement “Reaching too high” I think is laughable honestly. What exactly is too high? I busted my tail to graduate from my university with a stellar GPA and multiple honors to boot so anything that I accomplish is well deserved. I know that I can always push myself harder and that is what I will do. Furthermore, you said, “the district manager” and not the fry cook. There is nothing wrong with being a district manager, that means that you have several restaurants under your charge which shows hard work and responsibility. I could date the district manager but would prefer the owner. Additionally, there are several Black men who cannot handle being with a woman who is more successful and the bread winner. I will concede that there are often women who use the fact that they have more money to tear a brother down; and that is wrong. However, with that being said, I believe that both parties should be contributing. I don’t want to be someone’s sugar mama where basically you are living off of me in exchange for eye candy… not a good look! To get to your second point “Don’t Know our Role” I want to be the woman in my relationship. I want to feel protected and provided for and if someone cannot supply that, we more than likely are not going to work out. There is no worse feeling than to feel like you have to do it all yourself and you aren’t getting any help. Additionally, I do not think it is fair for the breadwinner, regardless of sex, to use that as a power move and make their mate feel inferior. If my boyfriend makes more money than me that is fine, but at the end of the day, if things don’t work out, I am still able to take care of myself and I believe that is paramount. Finally, to tackle your last point “unapproachable”, I have been called unapproachable on more than one occassion but with that being said, I expect a certain level of respect and will not take any less. Now, in your example, that girl was a little rude, but at the same time (and not excusing her behavior) think of how many other guys probably tried to approach her before you did; you may have just been the last straw unfortunately. In closing (sorry for the novel btw), I think that those of us who have a 5 year plan or any type of written down goal list are focused on just that. Although having a person to share your success with is great, I need someone who is equally driven and doing something to achieve their goals. I would never ask someone for more than I ask of myself and that can be overbearing to some. At the end of the day, I
think that those who settle will ultimately find unhappiness and I would much rather stay single than settle for someone who is not on my level. (sorry for the dual post, my comp froze!!)
@All, The main point of the article is that a man has to be the man, no matter who makes the most money. Even if I make less, allow me to have worth in our relationship. Don’t belittle me because you’ve been blessed with a better income.
@Asleigh, It’s not really about settling, but more about opening your mind. If you make $100K and I make $75K, I’m not on your level but I’m doing my thing. Does that mean I can’t holler at you?
Preach Gregory!!!
1) As a successful black woman who worked very hard all through school and actually enjoyed school I couldn’t possibly share common interests with a guy who said school wasn’t for him. Its not about money, its about common interests. I love culture, art, all sorts of music, and its difficult to find a black man who enjoys those same things. So should I just give up my interests and sit on the couch and watch Jerry Springer with Mr McDonalds Manager. I think not.
2) “Unapproachable” is one word that I’ve been described as many times. I’m fun-loving, very nice and easy to laugh when you talk to me. I’m rarely ever rude. I know that I tend to look not happy, but let me just say something I’ve learned in life…The face of someone thinking is actually pretty deadpan and slow-minded people tend to smile a lot. So if you’re a guy reading this and you’ve only dated girls who seem rather dim-witted, then you probably didn’t go towards the face you had to coax the smile from. Just put in the work period.
I agree with G.Q…. Completely
“A brotha who is an attorney will date a woman who is a hair stylist. A brotha who is a doctor will date a sista who is a teacher. A brotha who is an engineer will date the customer service rep at Sprint. Doesn’t matter to us! As long as she is supportive and treats us like our mothers(joking lol)we’re cool!!”
And as for that above segment: That is NOT always the case. I am not single. I work in Corp. America and I am struggling (lol yes, Struggling) to go to medical school and thus, I volunteer in many medical settings. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve had an in depth conversation with my male colleagues about how they don’t want a woman that they’d have to completely, financially support.
There is a difference between not being on someones level and completely supporting them. We aren’t saying you have to completely support them, they just aren’t on your level of income. And if you are already with someone and they go thru a hard time (lose their job), will you hold them down or leave? I think men are more likely to hold themdown for a while without judging.
@J. McFly, I feel you J. Real talk, women SAY they wont judge, but they wind up bringing that shit up eventually. Normally during an argument. Educated black women always have a damn point to prove. Sorry if I’m venting. But Im sayin. You been provin yaself yo whole life, you aint gotta prove ish to me. Just be my woman and be supportive…and keep a man.
I think this article is poorly written because it projects the idea that women are doing something “wrong”. I would rather focus on the fact that certain behaviors from women (given a particular environment) produces certain results. These are not right or wrong; I do not advocate any behaviors in this post, but I am convinced of several things.
Behavior: Women want a man that they can look up to in some way. He has to have strength, wisdom, intelligence, money (any, some, all, or others) where they do not. To put it plainly, if you see a woman that’s driving a Benz, just know that she’s likely looking for a man driving a Rolls Royce. Women do NOT want to be “bigger” than their man, or to be the “man” – with black women it seems to be quite the contrary. (Beyonce anyone?)
Environment: There are more women than men in all co-educational institutions (probably) – colleges for sure. There have been for a while. Black women have, in America, learned to cope without men around – they are strong and independent. Put the two together, and you’ll see that all these black women who have been posting here have enough [money and other things] to stand on their own. If you refer back to my behavior paragraph, just think: How accomplished would a guy have to be to impress these women?!
Black women (perhaps more than other women) have not yet begun to adjust to the reality that many men will make less than them. In the same way, black men are not stepping up. Girls in high school and colleges are keeping 3.0s and guys are screwing around (on average) and they wonder why 5 years later the girls don’t want them. Someone said that a woman who closes Billion-dollar deals cannot look to the McD District Manager for assurance….DAMN right. Too much time is spent at work and in school for it to not toughen us, and as long as our women want someone who is “more” than they are, the more they achieve, the fewer of us can meet that standard.
I will end with this. A 62 year-old man once told me that if a man wants to be the “man” of the house always, he must have 2 of the following things on his woman. He must have MORE than her in these areas: Age, Money, Education (in no particular order). The man who said this is older than his wife and far more educated….he never lost his status in the household when he lost his earning power (temporarily). While she worked, he would fix his own dinners and replace groceries if needed, but even then she still made time to fill the fridge and freezer with his favorite meals and still revered him. I wonder what the ladies think of this.
If you follow the Age-Money-Education framework, you’ll see that the District Manager that is driven will easily chat up a six-figure earning lawyer. I think these woman just want a man who is successful at whatever he does (in general), and can support their household with his income (even if she may make more). Personally, I am relentless in my drive to the “top” and the only women I will give the light of day are the ones who are the same – regardless of what the profession is, or the earning potential. I think we just want someone who understands the sacrifices we are making in our lives.
@Nkeano, YOU HAVE LEFT ME SPEECHLESS!
You covered it all. Exactly.
@Nkeano, Exactly
Spot on analysis. Women always prefer to date/marry up. Nothing new here – all prior generations did it. Why stop now?
All I have to say is you have one life and and if you are one of those women who thinks you have to have a man with more than you… You might miss out on a good thing. One Life. Love is the greatest gift man was ever given and its free. So no matter how much money or education you have if you find a good thing you better hold my advice to you!!!
There’s an issue and a bigger shortage of blak men for successful black women. It’s not, from what I’ve seen, that they are too puicky. But when it comes down too cultural aspects, recent expriences, and daily struggles an educated/successful black women and a black man without an education or who isn’t “succesful” will deal with different things. Many successful black women I know are with black men who are, by education stadnards, their equals, or with men of other races (because there are not many black men where they are).
1.SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMAN ARE REACHING TOO HIGH….or maybe black men aren’t reaching high enough. A higher education would give you a better job and a buigger pool of women (hopefully classier) to choose from. Also, many BW who are successful and in white-dominated situaitons have little time to met blakc men. Eelationships may be strained when the two can’t understand their frustrations. School may not be fro everyone but a higher education is needed to even get a part-time job at a department store. This isn’t the 1950′s… A college education, whether Harvard or a Community Colelge will better your life and is begining to become mandatory. Despite all of that, personality should be the main factor.
2.SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMEN DON’T KNOW THEIR ROLE.
Money and success should never be thrown in someones face. Period. This has nothing to do with traditional gender roles. Women can now be head of the house now days and men can be stay at home dads, nothing wrong with it. As long as it’s a loving relaitonship it’s all good. There’s nothing wrong with not being dominant, just as long as you’re being repsected.
3. SUCCESSFUL BLACK WOMEN ARE UNAPPROACHABLE AND/OR “STUCK-UP”.Some women, I will reluctantly admit, do have an attitude because they want to date someone “on their level”, these women often times remain single because they put people off (by their attitude). So no worries. Some women are shocked when men are polite, not many arenow ays…not many women are polite either. It’s normal for people to seem a bit shocked when something “odd” happens. I’m guilty of questioning a guys motives when he was “polite” because most of the times he wanted something else in return.
Since we’re making broad assumptions, here’s my 3 cents. Could it be that most Black professional women are single because most men that are still single by the time they reach their thirties are 1. hoe bags that have no intention on ever being in a monogamous relationship, or 2. have one or more child by one or more woman. Can a sistah meet a brotha that only wants to be with me and me and only? And can a sistah meet a brotha that doesn’t come with a ready made family? That’s all I want. I didn’t think it was too much to ask. And regarding this list, I think its compiled of a bunch of tired excuses used by brothas who can’t get their ish together. You don’t see me crying ‘he doesn’t want to be with me because I’m dumber than he is’ or ‘he has more drive than me’. I pray that the majority of Black men don’t feel this way. I’m glad I prefer to date outside of my race.
I believe the problem here is that people have these illusionary preconceived notions that human beings are supposed to have certain roles, or ‘stay in their place.’
Where the hell is a man’s place or a women’s place??
People read into all these European ideals of what a man and women is supposed 2 b simply because we are American, but nobody takes the time 2 examine other gender roles in other cultures.
Who says the male is the ONLY head of the household? Europeans…
Who says the male should be a MAN? Europeans….
But if we look 2 Ancient Africa as a reference….the Queen was just as, if not more important than the King. ( King is only as strong as his Queen)
People should be striving to be the best THEM they can be, not the best male or female or strive to fit into arbitrary, or made up Eurocentric gender roles!!
God created every human being uniquely and to be themselves….why cant we as people see that and allow others 2 become the most autonomous THEM they can!!
Are you serious?
I’m single! I’ve been single for about a year. Just came out of a 4 year relationship that I kept trying to make work and work. I am a college student about to become a RN & then will continue my education and become a CRNA. So I do have high expectations for myself. As far as a man goes, I would like to date a man that is or if not more successful than me. But I know success is something that you have to work your way up to. So, yes I would date a guy that works a fast food job, or at the mall, etc… My gurl Juanita said it best, “everyone want get a man riding in on a white horse, but there are a lot of men that have millionaire potential and us as women we have to birth them out. Thats why God gave us the womb. We always sit around saying what our man ain’t but there is a lot of things that he is, and if you don’t make him feel like a wonder, who else will….. ” So as long as the man I’m with is willing to better us and himself, then I’m willing to work with him. Two incomes are always better than one. Even if I make the most money, there’s some things he can do for us still. Some money is better than no money! And you know my best friend is a guy, and he always says to me, he doesn’t understand why I’m single… It’s because it’s hard to meet a man that is ready to settle down and love me and only me! Thats the biggest problem. You think a person is a certain way and they end up being the total opposite after a while. Like me being in the four year relationship, I thought he was the man that I would spend the rest of my life with, but I’m glad I found out before marriage and before a child. I’m like if you get tired of being with the same person after that length of time, how can you ever get married, which is supposed to be for a lifetime, you can’t! So, with me it’s really not a money issue or how high up someone is, it’s an issue of finding a man thats READY! Ready for commitment. At church Sunday the Pastor said “be specific with God in your asking, and I have been.. So hopefully my prayers will be answered soon!
The idea of complaining because a woman won’t choose you because you are broke and uneducated is ridiculous. Working at McDonald’s has never been a good way to attract women. An uneducated black male is a bullshit Nigga……women can’t be expected to fuck with bullshit niggas…
@The Ultimate Black Man, hahhahahahaaaaa…..
@The Ultimate Black Man, Exactly!
4. Black women are slow to date outside their race.
Why wait around for a ‘brother’ when there are plenty of other fellows that are not black who I could entertain.
And regarding #1 (it’s too, not to) – I think that has more to do with gender roles than true status. Let’s take me and my dreams for example…I’m a successful woman in my 20s and can afford a certain standard of living, nothing particularly lavish, but I can spend without constantly worrying about being in the red. In the future, I’d like to get married and take 2-3 years off of work while I raise children. I’ll more than likely return to work, but I fancy the option to stay at home while I have an infant. Oh BTW – while I stay at home to raise my and my husband’s children, I don’t want to have to transition into a rinky dinky apartment, drive a 1986 ford, and eat mayonaise sandwhiches. While I realize I’d have to make some financial adjustments when I have children, I’m not making lifestyle adjustments. SOOOO…given that I’m not willing to change my lifestyle to accomodate what the burger flipper can afford…why waste time dating him?
Professional black women are single because of many reasons. First off lets start by saying all of the black family has NOT the knowledge of self to be pointing fingers at ANYONE about why it is we are all lost and misguided. In saying that…..many professional sisters just dont have the kind of brothers who are educated enough to intellectually hang with them on many levels brothers. Thats just real talk fellaz. And many refuse to settle. Many sisters start off with poor examples of who to date by not having strong father figures in the home. from there Queens struggle for identity in who and what KIND of brother to date. And after failure after failure…….many sisters give up trying, become gay, switch to whites or others, or imply focus on their education and become strictly into their professions with no time for male bullshit. many sisters however truly lack the culture and knowledge of self to grasp good men as well. How many sisters can hold down professional jobs, cook, raise seeds and enjoy a healthy relationship with their significant others simultaneously???? Not many. And this plays a significant role in why sisters are boyfriendless and husbandless. And from this many sisters DO settle and would RATHER have JUST a fuck buddy….or 2 or 3….LOL………777
SO i met these women on about coming back from the bahamas .The first question was what is my name , the second thing they wanted to know was my major , career goals etc. Not that I think anything is wrong with that I would like to be with a accomplish because you do share alot in common but people do common in all profession. (not the frye cook) Sorry not going to happen .
OMG. You are hilarious, but for all the wrong reasons. First, let me state for the record I’m a relatively successful Black man married to a relatively successful Black woman who I adore more than anything save my own life. She is what you would probably consider a stuck up, educated type who is just starting to experience professional success. I fully expect her to match or exceed my earnings potential and I regard her as my equal intellectually, economically and in all decisions regarding our family. There’s no boss, no king, no queen. This is a democracy and when we have kids it will be an aristocracy where we are the enlightened rulers and our children will be our subjects.
I think you’re suffering from sour grapes. The fact is Black women want a guy like me. Smart, sardonic and 110% blipster tech geek musician / programmer with absolutely no thug qualities. Black educated women aren’t interested in visiting you in jail, watching you writhe in self pity. They want and deserve intellectual equals and mates who will recognize their excellence in all things, not just how good their legs look when they wear heels. And they rightfully expect that their place is next to you as an equal, not behind you as some sort of ghetto equivalent of a stepford wife. Why should anyone be expected to settle for a mate who isn’t a match for them intellectually, economically or socially?
I wouldn’t have married a chickenhead. Why would I expect a woman like my wife to accept a thug? Because she’s Black and there’s some racial obligation to tolerate misogyny and a culture of failure? That is nonsense! Should she pretend to be a dullard so that some high school dropout can mangle the English language and call her his “boo” because of a misinterpretation of Stokely Carmichael’s writings? No way!
How dare this man feel that BW should take any BM. Educated BM don’t feel the need to justify why they marry non-BW. Maybe the writer should address why BM will jump over two BW to get with a non-BW ex: Tiger Woods-married a Nanny, Montel-married. The Black Athelte that married Kendra-former Girlfriend of that old creepy guy that owns playboy. I mean come on guys atleast get someone that has respect for themselves but the BW is always suppose to stay ture to BM even though he is not ture to her. We are expected to accept anything because we are BW. I will never marry beneath me. I have worked hard for what I have. Why do I have to settle.
@Patricia, AMEN on the Tiger Woods comment. A sister who was a nanny would NEVER be given a second look. She would just be a gold digger- but the blond nanny is a ‘great catch’. smh. I go back to this is not about successful black women needing to lower their standards. It is about black men needing to STEP UP and be HONEST in who they are as people and how they treat/view black women.
PLEASE VISIT IHATEHOODRATS.COM!!! BOOK COMING SOON!
oyo
“Black educated women aren’t interested in visiting you in jail”
too funny, too true.
It’s not about someone dating someone with the exact same career as them. It’s more about it just being an automatic thing that if i’m a doctor, i’m more prone to hanging with other doctors – or others on that caliber: attorneys, accountants, etc. It’s just a simple issue of social circles. The Queen of England doesn’t hang out with day porters, does she? So why would I go out of my way to find the guy at McDonald’s if that’s not the circle I’m in? That guy might not necessarily eat at the same restaurants, or go to the same clubs I go to. Why should I have to pass up the other accountants, doctors, lawyers, marketing executives that are in my circle?
About the women being stuck up in the club. I wrote a post about this, saying the opposite. http://www.passmeashovel.com/2009/08/04/bachelor-of-arts-master-of-conceited-bastard/
I think dudes with degrees now days have a serious stick up their asses when it comes to making a move and talking to a girl. I don’t know who told them, but they found out they had a little market value because they were a “rare commodity”, and took that to mean that they no longer had to work to get a woman. Instead, they’re going to let the women work for them. Totally not cool. And about knowing your role, I think this one is easier said than done. Most of the time, if the woman makes more than the man, he will find any little thing she does as “offensive” and trying to undermine his authority. Both the woman and the man would have to work hard to make sure they keep defining the roles in this situation.
What on earth does it mean when you say “let us be a man?”.. Please explain that concept to me. I fear that YOU and every other brother that says “let a man be a man” have no idea what it is to be a man. Sisters who are successful and single are LOOKING for a MAN. As a single and succesful sister a ‘man’ to me is someone who UNDERSTANDS what my day is like. At the end of a hard day in my white male dominated field I don’t want or need to get into a competition of who has it harder in society the black man or the black woman. How about you, my MAN, simply UNDERSTAND that my role in society is equally as tough. How about you, my MAN simply UNDERSTAND that sometimes at the end of a rough day I need MY ego to be stroked as much as you need yours stroked? How about you as a BLACK MAN STOP always expecting a black woman to be this overly sexual caricature of a video vixen and still want us to be SUPERWOMAN while you- BLACK MAN, every chance you get, talk about how a black woman needs to know her ‘place’. I could VERY easily date a white man but choose to be single and refuse to step outside of my race. I have been done dirty by ONLY black men and yet I CHOOSE to ACCEPT that NOT ALL black men are ‘the same’. Somehow brothers can’t seem to do the same with respect to black women and it disgusts me to no end. I am TIRED of having to defend being a single, successful black woman to the VERY men who stay putting us down. You say you don’t WANT a superwoman but from a black woman you expect just that……. When it comes to brothers dating white or hispanic women SOMEHOW miraculously brothers know how to ‘act’. And, I am not just talking athletes and stars – I’m talking everyday brothers who I see and know. I have watched them date black women and I have watched them date white and hispanic women. For SOME REASON let there be white/hispanic woman on their arms and their chests puff out just a little more, brothers suddenly learn ‘chivalry’. When it comes to a sister it is always “she needs to know her place…… To end this rant of pure annoyance- I would suggest that YOU and all brothers who agree with you LOOK IN THE MIRROR and take an HONEST assessment of how you treat sisters who are succesful. Do you make her feel ‘guilty’ for being successful? Do you look at sisters as ‘gold diggers’ if they don’t bring “enough” to the table (even though many of these white/hispanic women bring even LESS to the table but are somehow ‘great mates’). How often do you a see a successful sister and simply give her a “well done my sister” without looking her up and down like a piece of meat that you want to ravish and then throw the bones in the trash. Before you CHECK a single, successful, black woman how about you simply check YOURSELF and decide what it means to be a MAN and apply that same roll when you date BOTH black women and white/hispanic women. If you can HONESTLY say that you treat a black successful woman the same THEN you can ask the question “why are successful black women single. Until then please don’t question WHY I don’t have what I am looking for and what YOU are not being- a MAN. Thanks.
I tried to give this article the benefit of the doubt and read it in all it’s tired, black patriarchal glory. Within the first paragraph I knew it would be nothing I haven’t heard before in regards to black women’s standards. How we’re too picky, etc. Which in my opinion is malarky, because as you see I like to use words such as patriarchy and discuss capitalism, and Marxism and would prefer a man that doesn’t say “huh?” when I bring it up. I would like a man that doesn’t require me to “dumb it down.” In any event, like I said, I really wanted to read this entire article and offer my thoughts, but between your incorrect usage of apostrophes, your vs. you’re, to vs. too, coupled with this nauseating topic… iCan’t.
The black men that criticize black women in general will continue to criticize them no matter what she does……. I can promise you if 70% of black women were uneducated and unsuccessful they’d be saying that is the reason for her not finding a mate, but instead we are talking about women who are responsible, and successful and somehow we got a problem with that??? Has the author criticized white successful women as well or is it more accepting to wife up an educated white woman??
I think successful black women are at fault for waiting on black men to get themselves together when they should be trying to appeal to different races of men and not just one, especially one that depreciates her the most.
dangerousNEGRO on Facebook posed a similar question: ” Question of the Day: Why Are MOST Successful Black Women Still Single??? Recent studies show that successful Black women are twice as likely to be married by the age of 45 than white women with the same educational background. Thoughts?”
Here is my response:
First of all, I agree with the fact that the definition of “success” is flawed. Having a degree and a “good” job, does not make you more “successful” than someone else. In fact, I would argue that this attitude is the beginning of a lot of the problems. But I think the problem also stems from black women having unreasonable expectations. It’s one thing to have standards, by all means PLEASE have standards, but a LOT of women get ridiculous with it. He has to be fine, a certain height, a certain skin tone, have the perfect body, wear particular kinds of clothes, drive a specific car, make X amount of dollars (to name a few)…even if YOU dont possess all those qualities or have those things.
I also think some of it has to do with black women adopting white womens idea of “not settling”, which is TRULY detrimental, because as studies show, more of those chicks are MARRIED than black women are. We know (at least some of us), and should learn to appreciate the obstacles black men face (see: Willie Lynch Letter, and Conspiracy to Destroy Black Boys) when it comes to education and work. Im not saying that black men shouldnt own and take responsibility for pursuing an education and finding work suitable to take care of the families they help create (no excuses!), but we must also remember the systems that are in place to keep them out of institutions of higher education and workplaces (again, see Willie Lynch).
Black women have also bought into the “myths” that you have to live so much life after college before you can get married. You’ve been sold a bill of goods! What most of these black women dont realize or choose to acknowledge is that met your husband in college, but he wasnt on the football or basketball team, maybe was a little quirky or nerdy, didnt have a car, maybe his shoes were a little dirty and he wasnt “fitted” all the time, but he loved you and YOU weren’t ready for it. The reality is, had you stayed with him while he was in school working on that engineering, finance, computer information systems degree, Susie Q and Betty Boop wouldn’t have stood a chance, and she wouldn’t be living what is SUPPOSED to be YOUR life!
There’s also a lot of young women who, because of the corporate environment they worked so hard to get into, have become hardened and callous in ways that they dont even realize, which is NOT conducive to being in a relationship. Nobody wants to deal with the “bitch” you have to be at work to get ahead, but you don’t learn how to turn off when you come home.
Lastly, having a successful relationship or marriage has NOTHING to do with education, combined income, how many cars you have, or how much money you have in the bank. Black women really need to reevaluate whats important, because if they don’t, these rates will stay the same, or get worse. Im THANKFUL I didnt “buy in”, cause at 30, im 6 years deep in the marriage “game!
@mocha mama,
I would take the time to highlight the particular parts of your comment that made me say “YEEEESSSSS!!!!” at my computer, but that would take too much time. I appreciate the existence of a shared perspective. I did not buy into the idea that I should wait until I was established before I should get married. I felt that two people could do that together. I was married at 21 to my husband who is 6 years older. At that time I was starting law school and he was starting his career as an attorney. We struggled through those periods of newness together and I believe it made us stronger as man and wife. He’s not a football player, he’s barely taller than me, and is essentially the polar opposite of everything I dated before.
And that turned out to be a good thing in more ways than one.
i think black women have this belief that in order to be educated and be worldy you have to be a college grad. i’m in the military and never attended college, but i’m still familiar with such terms as patriarchy, marxism, and capitalism. i’m able to hold my own in any conversation in spite of my lack of a post- high school education. i enjoy musuems, travelling, fine wines (yes, i have my boujie moments), and reading something other than sista souljah street novels. my girlfriend is a college grad with a bachelors and planning to go back for her masters. we often have long and somethimes fierce debates on politics, foreign affairs and interesting enough, feminism. me not having a degree has no bearing on our ability to relate or my ability to financially support us.
You are a simp plan and simply….
for one thing black men still make more money that black women
men don’t care if a woman has an college education
black women are a double minority do I need go on with this explanation?
feminism is destroying the family structure heck even the whites have been this for years
I think that a lot of people on here are confusing drive with ambition. I have an undergraduate degree, on M.A. and am working on an M.S. in Library Science. Now I’ve worked very hard to get to where I am but I have also come to realize that I will probably not make as much as a a lawyer, doctor, or banker.
Where does that leave me s a black male? There is a good chance that a professional woman that I choose to be in a relationship will make more money than me. At that point I think that the excuse of a woman “not being able to relate” to someone who makes less than them falls flat on its face. I won’t have fancy car, largely because I think there are more important things to do with what moeny one does have than purchase outward indicators of material wealth, but that said, I make the ends meet, and odds are I could very well be more educated than my potential mate. Yet many black women I approach see that I drive Dodge instead of a Benz; might choose Adidas over Armani; then find out I will work in Library instead of a Law firm and will not give me the time of day. — to these women: the story you write with your mate doesn’t have to be a fairytale to be a good story it just needs some substance and character which is in no way predicted by money or status.
Everyone defines success differently. Fancy things are important to some and if it’s not your cup of tea move on. I understand because I’ve been rejected by “successful” black men for not being the ideal black woman wearing the latest designer, long straight hair, light darn near white skin, ect. Even though I have higher education, most days I ride my bike, wear my hair natural etc. So it works both ways.
Designing ones life is only defined by a tool, known as the ‘heart”. If the writer of this blog or article, wants drive home the point of degree variations between black women and black men, he needs to start with his grammar and pronunciation. Presentation is lost, it sounds to me, in jealousy and/or the inability to compete. If race and gender are the sole issues and are the deciding factors in how your life will be played out, then maybe you should just sit down and write a book entitled “Poor Me”. Black women are both open minded and intellectually proficient, enough to decide for themselves who and what is going to be a major component in both Love and Misery. Black women, especially Republican black women, are stars and not because they are black, but because they understand commitment, goals, and values, especially family values. Are values so well defined, that the black man has a hard time trying to commit to moral and ethical approach? Ignorance only lasts about “one hand”, beyond that, you stand to the side and let others with the ability to endure, get on with the game. The “poor me” approach is a thing of the past. Of all the black women I know, and are successful, most have white boyfriends or husbands. Of all the successful black men I know, most have black women as girlfriends or wives, and a handful are in relationships with white women. Incidentally, black men and women who are of the Democrat or liberal persuasion tend to go black on black no matter what. This, in itself, answers many questions. So now a bit about me. Ready? Have your crying towels in hand….
I am a white guy, married to a black woman who is very successful. She has a Master’s Degree while I only have a Bachelor’s degree. Before I met my wife, I was with a black woman who lived with me for 7 years and I lived with her for 7 years. Get it?? It was a mater of both choice and coincidence. I am a Republican by choice and concept, so are the two black women I was fortunate to be attached to. The one I was with before I met my wife, would want me to get her nylons and female items. She would always encourage our relationship as just that, a relationship based on mutual perseverence. This is all based on the love and respect for eachother, not on our mirror image. We both had families, and parents, who appreciated our endeavors together. Her family prohibited her from black men, especially her father who is black. Now, I know some of you will go to the “Uncle Tom” manner of ill-fated reasoning, but that would only prove one thing, you know, that ignorance and “poor me” ideology. Her father wanted what was best and enduring to his daughter and her mother only encouraged love and respect for eachother no matter who it would be that opened their heart to their daughter. A quick note here… I was encouraged by both black men and women friends of mine to respond to this because they know “i’ll go for the throat”. Now, as for the writer, a word of warning: Black women deserve better and they are coming to get it and black men of honor are smiling as I write this knowing that if they were to respond to this “poor me” let out, they would sign it Sean’s Brother, not your Brotha. Black women are my equal, not yours… Throw in the color if you will, but at some point, you’ll end up at a crossroad inside the tunnel. My wife is my equal as I am hers. We don’t have a box of crayola crayons on the kitchen table that will decide “what color we paint our day”. Women period, may very well be the Saving Grace of the United States and with that said, See Ya”!!!
Thank You Black Women, You Deserve it!!!
This is so sad. Why has it come to this. I am a single black woman and I get very frustrated because of all the stereotypes. I have dated blue collar males, I have dated the man without a college degree, I don’t want a rich man with more eduavation than me. This is crazy. All I want is love and repect. Is that too much to ask. For whatever reason we (black women) have been put in a box and are all “gold digging and stuck-up”. That is sad that we are not looked at like individuals like every other race of women. At this rate I probably will continue to be single since as soon as you see me you have everything fiigured out before I even open my mouth.
Just Stay away from women from Alabama and Louisana, and you will be ok. Date foriegn women and life will be simple.
True, women with an accent turn me on; British, Brazilian, Ethiopian, and Indian are among the most sexiest women on the face of the earth…!!!
I agree with a previous post that having a college education and “good” job does not automatically make you intelligent, or wealthy or guarantee a sucessful relationship. I am a college graduate, and six-figure income earner, as is the majority of my pier group. I moved into the six-figure income level recently after retiring from the military, and found that I was far better off than my newly aquired six-figure income peer group. Everyone has their own definition of wealth, but here is mine:
1. HEALTH – Having 50 million in the bank means nothing if you have terminal cancer. 2. POSITIVE STATE OF MIND – Are you happy with yourself and functional. 3. FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE -
I agree with a previous post that having a college education and “good” job does not automatically make you intelligent, wealthy or guarantee a successful relationship. I am a college graduate and six-figure income earner, as is the majority of my pier group. I moved into the six-figure income level recently after retiring from the military, and found that I was far better off than my newly acquired six-figure income peer group. Everyone has their own definition of wealth, but here is mine:
1. HEALTH – Having 50 million in the bank means nothing if you have terminal cancer. 2. POSITIVE STATE OF MIND – Are you happy with yourself and functional. 3. FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE – If you have 50 million, but owe 60 million, you are broke! (Refer to bankrupt celebrities and boxers). 4. NO NEED TO LABOR TO MAINTAIN ONES LIFESTYLE. So many people would consider someone with a few millions as “rich”, but I have learned that is merely a temporary title that can end with a bad night in Vegas, or if you don’t have points 1 to 4 above. Some of my new colleagues assumed that they were “ahead of me financially” as I moved from the $80K a year military salary to the over $100K family. I quickly found out that most were “enslaved” to the job at middle to late ages because of lifestyles at or beyond their means. My Boss is 52 years old, makes $200K a year, but is 30 years in debt from late-life over the top purchases of homes, cars, and consumer goods. I doubt he will be employable for 30 more years! I left the military after 20 plus years of service, single and debt free; mortgage paid off, no credit debt, no car payments, and a pension until death that is half my previous pay. My pension alone supports my lifestyle and I perceive myself to be wealthy in that regard. Now back on subject, I am a black man and have dated outside my race, mostly because of living in other countries and yearning to experience other cultures. I enjoy women regardless of race, and still find my sisters attractive, but find that the ones that know I’ve dated outside my race, while perceiving I am successful, label me a sell-out. I have no tolerance for any women that would place a label on me, regardless of her education, race, or income level, and disagree with most people that assume you have to have someone with the same paper degree, or monetary income level to have a lasting relationship or marriage. Have these people not followed all the “rich” celebrity failed marriages? These people had the same or similar occupation and income levels and the rate of divorce is horrific. I often find “rich” people to be dysfunctional with a sense of entitlement. Intelligence is way more than a paper degree, and there are many people who are far more successful without said degree, than those that have them. Empirical knowledge will always trump a paper degree, and while I do believe my degree helped in obtaining my current occupation, it was the empirical knowledge gained from military service that separated me from the competition. People must judge each other for how they complement each other and what their individuality brings to the table. A preconceived notion that the educational or monetary status a person has will ensure compatibility is simply unintelligent.
Your second point irritates me. I should ‘know my role’? Us black people were once told that from another oppressor- I refuse to stand for it from anyone. Just because you have a penis, does not mean I automatically ‘look to you as a leader’. You have to earn my respect and honey, a y-chromosome is not that impressive. By the way, if I bought the house, and I’m paying the bills, then it’s my house and there’s not going to be any of this ‘man of the house’ rubbish. This is why us successful black women CHOOSE to remain single- it’s preferable than living with some self-entitled, chauvinistic pig.
Bill Lussenheide for congress ca-45
Lussenheide candidate for AIP for congress Constitution party
I am a Black man who works in the non-profit world and I am at the beginning of my career. I know that my pool is limited because of the field I am in. I am never going to make a huge amount of money. My field does not allow it. But this career path is what makes me happy. I have chosen to forsake a career with high dollars of that means doing something I love and that helps others.
However, women do not like that. They say it is cool. Push come to shove, my finances become a problem because I am not popping bottle.s Thus, I am quick to drop them. They are missing out. I know too many chicks with dudes who have money but are completely unhappy. I say find someone who treats you right, not buys your affection
Hi Eps…you sound like a good dude…what do you do???
Get ‘em girl!…lol
I work with a non-profit that does advocacy for low wage workers.
Interesting article. In short, black women are single because they have standards, do not know their place of walking two steps behind the man, and do not bow down at the sight of a man. Oh well, you live, you grow, and you learn something new everyday. Seriously:
1. I am not sure that being materialistic is the main measuring stick that should be used to find your partner, but not all black men are willing to date below their station either. New fangled black men are picky choosy too.
2. I don’t think women should constantly throw up in the face of a man that they make money, but if you are not contributing to the relationship in terms of considering her needs and leaving her to do everything around the house, why should you have say. It is not as if you are bringing anything to the table! But that is just it, some men bring nothing to the table yet want their word to be the only and last one. It does not work that way!
3. I understand why you were put off by the chick you approached, but frankly some men that get blown off do not know how to approach women right. It is one thing to be somewhat socially inept and lack game, it is another to be a jerk!
Your article does give people things to think about, but it is two sides to every story!
#3…Amen girl! A lot of guys think that because a woman blows you off that she’s stuck up or materialistic…It could be a number of reasons…She has a man, she’s not looking for a relationship, or she doesn’t find YOU attractive…Whatever that reason is, “She’s Just Not That In To You”!
There are happy endings in life between the mickey d manager and the corporate CEO at times, but these relationships are not always compatible because both partners sometimes have different outlooks in life, goals, and aspirations.
I have been reading some of the comments on this page and I have come to the conclusion that Capitalism and Mammon…the spirit behind money has over taken a lot of our black culture. So, when it comes to the upper class of our culture this issue is even more evident. Status should never come into play when looking for someone to love. This is ridiculous and this is why most miss out on what should have been there’s. One of the comments a young lady spoke about being equally yoked…Halo…being equally yoked refers to spirituality and not social status read; 2 Corinthians 6:14. Slavery and this capitalistic system have torn our culture apart. The Lord did not intend for us to be treating one another like this, it’s almost like a cast system.
Why are we as Blk Folks so hung up on who makes what? Sistas need to get off their high horse and get back to reality. Having a degree and a good paying job does not make you successful. How come other races don’t act this way? Because they see honor and respect the man for more than just having a job or career. It’s sad that these so called “educated Blk women” think that they got it going on, I’m a Diva, and a man is a option” attitude today is going to make them happy.What are we teaching our daughters? True you should not settle for this new generation of drop outs,deadbeats and thugs. But their are plenty of working class brothers that chose not to go to college and wined up having the whiteman slam the door in his face and he can’t use the degree that you say he should have when jobs are scares and people are being laid off. Good hard working brothers who are trying to be providers in all areas are being shut out and not appreciated because sisters are putting unrealistic standards on them to measure up.That only makes it more open for another race of females to embrace them. Being around silly girlfriends and women with nothing but drama will not get you closer to the alter. No where in any holy book does it say that a man must make close to 6 figures, be above 6′ft and have a very high IQ. Our slave history has damage our way of thinking. God has not made another option for you Blk woman but the Blk man that he created for you. The whiteman has build you up to help tear you’re man down. Help us brothers by being supportive,understanding and in our corner when things get rough. Then again we can be strong together and survive just as our fore-parents did. Read the book:The Blackmans Guide to Understanding the Black women for further help and clarification.
I hear your points, but I think you are mistaken to say “other races dont have that problem”. Actually they do, thats why the divorce rate in america is so high. White people & other cultures marry for money. Black women are not the only “single” so called women. Most women have that issue. And not all black educated women are “picky” that’s a HUGE misconception. Just b/c they interviewed 4 women on CNN doesnt mean they represent the whole “educated” selection of black women. It works both ways. Both men & women have superficial wants/needs. A woman may be wonderful, but if she isn’t a “D cup” or has a minimum of 42″ in the hips…..some guys walk the other way.
Its a people thing. I dont think single black women is a crisis. Because not every woman wants to get married. Thats another HUGE misconception. There’s nothing wrong with having certain likes/dislikes. If all women were looking for the same type of guy…..we’d still have a shortage……
I am in a relationship, & yes I am in a Master’s program so I’m not really a part of these statistics. But as a woman, it was hard to find a person not because of their “educational or socioeconomic status”…some of my past relationships didn’t work out because of infidelity as well as we had different goals…..its life…
But i am a strong believer in being honest with yourself. Black women have many other options besides black men. Black women are NOT obligated to being with black men. Relationships are a two way street. And “single black woman” is not a crisis. i wish everyone would stop……….
To Denise: If other races as you say “have the same issue” then why is it that most white women are seriously dating,engaged or already married by their mid-twenties? Hispanics are either married, or in a solid relationship, Asians and east Indians marry early too? These cultures see value in marriage and raising children together. They seek physical and emotional (Love) security first and then financial security for the term of the marriage. This problem is more that just the 4 women that were interview because you have thousands of brothers that are complaining that Blk women have to much attitude, and won’t give working class brothers the time of day unless he “qualifies’ whatever that means.Go to any Blk nightclub today and you will here the DJ yell out “Ladies if you have your own car,house and money and don’t need a man for shit raise you’re hands”.
Destiny child sings “can you pay my bills?,
This “Diva” thing is leaving sister alone,too bitchy and in some cases lesbians. If you think that the white man the 1 that helped create most of these problems by feeding our women this BS is a good choice then you are saying that she can now find love by sleeping with the devil, her brother and fathers 450 year open enemy. God created a mate of every kind so that they can reproduce. Only when you mix or tamper with Gods law then things become confused or unbalanced. We are a people that have lost our way. And most sisters that are educated do think this way.That they don’t need a man today.The ones that are not so settle for the thugs today. Say hello to them outside of work and you may not get a reply. Say hello to another race of females and you will get 1 with a smile in return. What’s wrong with this picture?
Thats a very good point!! Here’s my take. When you look at the family structure of blacks vs. other races there is a key issue that cannot be ignored. THE ABSENTEE FATHER! I was blessed to have 2 parents married for 23 yrs before my dad passed away. My boyfriend’s parents have been married for 34 yrs & counting. We are a very rare species in the black community. I am fortunate to have a great upbringing which allowed me to be in a successful relationship.
However many black women dont. That is KEY in picking a mate. Since they were not loved by the BLACK MAN WHO CREATED THEM, how can they properly choose a mate? How can they trust that a black man will love them, that is an issue that cannot be ignored. Educated women, see the financial stability that marriage & relationships would bring abt and look for a man with financial stability because that is all that they know. I dont agree with it, im just saying I am blessed to have a role model in my household.
Also you say white women, asians & etc are married. But are they happily married? 1 out of 2 marriages by those whites end up in divorce. I went to a predominantly white college and those who i know got married because their parents think its what they should do. Neither scenario is good, but im saying in defense of educated black women, not all of them are “material” as portrayed by the media. Some women feel they dont need a man, that’s their choice. But a few women on CNN with superficial needs doesnt represent all black educated women.
Im with my guy because he’s my best friend & treats me well. We also share the same values such as family, monogamy and marriage. Some of my previous relationships didnt believe in marriage……im not going to stay with you regardless of what you make. If you dont have the same values as I, its not going to work. Dont compare races, they havent suffered the same socioeconomic disadvantages blacks do, so for me I am earning a Master’s degree in a field with a salary so my future children wont have to struggle & have great opportunities. This is something i shared with my mate. I dont DEMAND that he earns a Masters. I love him for who he is, but I needed him to understand why I had to do it for me………so rethink how you feel abt educated black women……unfortunately and fortunately i am already taken by a wonderful black guy……….best wishes in your search! xoxo
THE ABSENTEE FATHER: True where are the men in the homes to raise the sons and protect the daughters and be a good image to them? A man can go no further than a woman let him. It is the woman and these silly young girls that are choosing the wrong type of men or boys should I say. Our value system is backwards. If every young woman say and demand that young men have a good education,job,career,and some strong family values then most of these guys today will get their act together. But because they are dealing with these thugs,non motivated, no drive hip hop thinking young menchilds then they are having babies by those that are only thinking with 1 head. I have a good educated black wife of 9 years and we are happy.She was raised from a 2 parent household but I was not..
We come from the 70′s and 80′s generation where the value of love and attraction was men be successful in all areas not just careers.Before we met it was hard on the dating scene to meet someone with not a lot of kids or was so close to their girlfriends that we had to a schedule to date.
Old school values are the best. I’m just concerned about the choice my son will have when he starts dating later in life.Will he have the same issue or will sisters start to see a man than just as someone that needs to bring a degree and resume to the table.Or he needs to have the $alary of the sports players.Instead if he can be a good example to his wife,children and be the head of his home as co-bread winner and security for his family.
My god..black women!! Get off yourself. I have a bachelors degree and $107k job too…who the flip cares!!!! You think “I’m successful”. F**K NO! As a 27 year old living in Atlanta, maybe, but in “relative” terms, no. I got a long way to go before I get there. That in itself humbles me. Don’t get Oprah and your reality twisted. Humble yourself and define yourself for what not what little you own but who you are. The riches man in the world doesn’t have a degree and some of the most stupidest people I have ever met posses degrees ,sometimes multiple.
Stop trying to set a standard as if black women in america make more money than black men. Because it’s simply not true. It’s a lie that probably makes you feel good about yourself…but it’s simply not true.
The truth is black women have more college degrees which is a big difference from economic relevance. Need I say Bill Gates,Larry Ellison….to make that fact really nothing to brag about. Though I would prefer a tie or us (black men) as victors in the education race, our(black men) buying power in the economy is what really fuels the economy. Not flipping degrees.
These quotes about McDonalds and the bus driver irritates me, as if that’s our only relevence in this economy. You’re tilted commentary of You play the hardworking lawyer or doctor (which some of you are not I may add) and I’ll be a stinkly sanitation worker pulling $30k a year. NO WAY…eh.eh! Stop it. That’s racist propaganda and I’m insulted by it.
As blacks we need to stop this “I’m the smart n****r and you’re not attitude”. It’s pulling us apart as some of us (MAN and women) begin to build our honest incomes.
Being a lawyer and building a $100,000 dept just to be cool is not successful. And getting a degree is not that challenging…..ok.
God all gave us brains and guts. Trust me…walking accross the podium, even with a Phd doesn’t mean you reached the mountain peak. As someone that volunteered in the Iraq war from 2003 to 2005, I know all too well about that. Your life and contribution to the people and lives you touched will determine what degree your really earn. Companies,industries and Economies can be wiped out in one day making your degrees and even crafts obsolete. To be
successful is marked by ones ability to do what you truly love with a passion and by that, positively influence others. Its ofcourse should be rewarded with large sums of money in return. Not pay check to paycheck money( 30K – 150K) I mean REAL MONEY (250K+ ANNUALY). They don’t do it for popularity or because society says they have to. They do it, because that’s what’s in their heart.
Now to be back on topic….
Sniff a good opportunity when you sense one and be willing to reciprocate in an honest conversation if you have the time. Really ladies…why go out if you have no plans on talking to anyone. I understand you need to be a little reserved in high male dense populated areas, but don’t be stupid and blindly pass up on a 5 year resident physician (my cousin) , successful consultant or just a really nice guy because he doesn’t flash out to you. OPEN YOUR EARS and If after 3 minutes nothing clicks be polite and let the individual know you need to step away for a second or respectively say that you’re not interested. If a majority of you can do that, I’m almost certain articles like this will never see another light of day. I have seen some of the most ignorant black women pass up on guys that I personal know and just think to myself “Wow, they are making a huge mistake by not giving this gentleman 2 minutes of their time”. I’m not saying you should marry or even date someone who approaches you, but how would you know whether that would have or not been the outcome if you never cared to hear him speak. And don’t give me that “well if I guys would just talk normal like say.. “hello”…or “How are you doing?”..”what’s your name?”! Don’t kid yourself. You hear that and do your stupid little choo-choo train connection crap with your three girlfriends and act like you never heard anything. Women in other races get dumped and cheated on all the time by their male counterparts. Where are all the “I hate white/latin/indian man topics” or “I’m dating other kind of men”? That does not happen. Yes, other men may have an advantage in numbers, but those same heart broken women appreciate the rise of the sun the next day. Much like the same way, all black women who are really serious about meeting someone special should forget about yesterday and appreciate the next solid brother that cares to speak to them. I just said appreciate.
“My god..black women!! Get off yourself. I have a bachelors degree and $107k job too…who the flip cares!!!! You think “I’m successful”. F**K NO! As a 27 year old living in Atlanta, maybe, but in “relative” terms, no. I got a long way to go before I get there. That in itself humbles me.”
LOL…thank you bruh!!… i mean seriously it kills me how some females will brag about a median income ($30-90,000K) like they are warren buffet and make up 0.70% of the contries GNP…like my dad would say…”hell some folk pay more than that in taxes every year”….honestly it has nothing to do with status and everything to do with the PERSON…have your shit together (emotionally and mentally) and you will attract someone….shit, im an engineer and make good money myself but i am far from successful, and for me to try and correlate not having a partner to me being to successful??…how effin shallow is that???…my “success” *cough* job should be the last damn thing holding me back from being able to have a girlfriend, spouse, etc.
There’s nothing wrong with being proud of yourself & thinking you are successful. The problem is, when you think that guarantees you a right to be disrespectful to your mate. I agree with you that every choice should be made about the actual PERSON instead of what they do, and how much they make. But hey, you cant change everyone’s mind. But men and women (educated or not) are both quite shallow! So its not an educated black woman thing. Like I posted above, not EVERy EDUCATED BLACK WOMAN IS SHALLOW!! Where is everyone getting this notion? the 4 women on CNN represent themselves and not black america. thank you!!
True, there is nothing wrong with deeming yourself successful, But here’s the question..successful from what aspect?…from what society terms as “successful”- having a nice car, owning a house, money in the bank, being popular or highly touted, obtaining education, etc. or successful from the point of being satisfied and happy with yourself and were your at in your point in life…you have some people who are not happy despite their material and personal gain and you have some people who do volunteer work and love helping others and dont even get so much as a pat on the back but feel that they are successful….some people (men and women) let there “status” or position in life determine many aspects of there life like who they choose to associate with to who they choose to consider as a mate…we have all been guilty of it in some aspect..the key is not letting that particular state of mind cloud your judgement when it comes to personal and im-personal relationships (or any decision in life for that matter)…no one is saying that evey educated black woman is shallow because of there success, education or what they have, its when he or she lets that become there overall ruling stick for who they choose to love to who they choose to be with and how they approach a relationship or any situation…if this was not the case it wouldn’t be portrayed so hard through our society and the media…the key is to be the exception and that’s were you can change the minds of many…
I think that the bottom line is that PEOPLE IN GENERAL HAVE FORGOTTON HOW TO “LOVE” someone for who they are AND BUILD A FOUNDATION TOGETHER . Also its not like 50 years ago. Men and women aren’t doing what they did back then. ROLES HAVE CHANGED IN ALL MANNERS. AND AS FOR AS NUMBER # 2 OF THE ARTICLE…..AS LONG AS YOU THINK THERE ARE PREDIFINED ROLES THEN “YOU” MY FELLOW OR ANYONE THAT THINKS THAT WAY WILL ALWAYS HAVE A PROBLEM. WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS TAKE A LOOK AT BOTH OF YOUR ATTRIBUTES AND TAKE IT FROM THERE. iF YOUR BEST ATTRIBUTE IS NOT THAT OF A LEADER AND YOUR PARTNERS IS… THEN WHAT YOU NEED TO DO IS STAND BACK AND LET THEM LEAD. IF YOUR BEST ATTRIBUTE IS COOKING THEN YOU NEED TO COOK AND CLEAN! THAT’S WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS DEPENDING ON YOUR “PREDEFINED ROLES”. THAT’S WHERE YOU MAY BE RUNNING INTO PROBLEMS. RELAX SOME OF YOUR PREDEFINED ROLES! How are you going to lead me and you don’t know how? And that doesnt make you less than a man not to be THE LEADER and if your woman thinks so than she is not a REAL WOMAN. As long as BOTH parties are bringing their best to the table and giving it their all than that should make for a fit relationship. When I want fried chicken my man fries it. I’m not good at frying chicken and I can admit that HE DOES THAT! Admittance is also a main part of a strong relationship as well as honesty.
A soul mate is a person with whom one has a feeling of deep and natural affinity, love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, and/or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul – which is thought to be the ultimate soul mate, the one and only other half of one’s soul, for which all souls are driven to find and join.
Compatibility is a concept that describes the long-term interaction between two or more individuals in terms of the ease and comfort of communication.
Some of you people really need to re-think your “standards”. There is someone out there for everyone. But you can not stop what is already in your destiny and who you are destine to love. There is no qualification for a soul mate. It just happens. The sooner women let go of these bs standards the sooner they will find true happiness with the one that they were meant to be with.
And to the person who said that successful women are not going to visit a man in jail….thats fine,,,, but believe me when I say that there is a women out there doing that. And they are probably more happier than a single successful black women who at the age of 35 still going to clubs and dating.
Get it together!!!!!
I visitied my ex-man over a four year period in jail…no fun..but thought I was in love…
Hey it’s me again, do you remember me? I sent you an e-mail not too long ago, maybe it get caught in spam for some reason.
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I don’t think it does Black women or Black men any good by the constant categorizing and generalizing, that leads to ignorance and preconceived notions that stagnate us as a whole. At the same time I don’t think getting defensive actually captures the attention of the believers so I will only say to my brothas, to keep an open mind because despite the negative beliefs many sistas have of you I too am keeping my mind open.
I am a single professional who would love to have man in my life who will not abuse me physically and/or emotionally. I was in a really rough relationship for over 10 years and have been single for about the same..no sex or anything during this time…Yes, I am for real. This is a result of the relationship I got out of…it really damaged me to point of not trust or afraid of letting someone get close to me…I am not judgmental and just want the brotha to be respectful of me in every aspect as I will him…searching and lonely..
You are requesting that sista’s should settle and why should they? Love is love but in the real world compatibility goes with the Law of attraction. Brothas need to stop relying on sistas to take care of the household. I see brothas with other races being the “happy dedicated man or father” why can’t they show the same pride with sistas? How come a brother with money runs to get a white women but only dated black women when he was sweeping the curbs? Tiger woods a good example. Of all the pretty, intelligent wealthy black women in the entire WORLD he marries a white nanny? I think you should delete your blog and come back correct.
So does this mean that as a black man I can be picky now, hell yeah!!! I’m a 34yr old, single, heterosexual, non-abusive (emotionally or physically), college educated, veteran, articulate, black male that’s doing pretty damn good (making 6 figures annually). Although, in life it never seems like the 2 black professional male and female hook up. The professional sista always end up with the thug, and the professional brotha ends up with the hoodrat. Please one of you black “good looking” (notice I put good looking) professional women come save me from being singe.
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