Social networking makes the world go round nowadays. In my High School days, I used to eHang on AOL Instant Messenger, highschoolclub.com (remember that?), and of course BlackPlanet. There were many lunchtimes when we’d all go into the computer lab to update our BP pages on some “Girl, did you see my new picture???”. Just gleeful in our teenage state.
Anywho, the other day while eLoitering on Twitter, someone mentioned how they knew someone who still had a BlackPlanet page. Wait, what? Did I fall through a space-time continuum and land squarely in Y2K? Are people still stunting with 2-way pagers and grayscale screen cellphones? Christina Aguilera, is that you coming out that genie bottle? Stop playing! Is that an ombre FUBU jersey under a denim outfit? Is Pluto still a planet? Well slap me in the morning and tell me it’s midnight!
BlackPlanet is where all progressive technology goes to die. Ol’ simple pages with complicated elements used to grind my gears. I still remember those overbusy profiles with emblazoned wallpaper (see: Reasons why I also can’t stand MySpace). A fully loaded BlackPlanet page could induce someone into an overstimulation-induced seizure. Trying to load a Blackplanet page took at least 5 minutes with the music and glitter used to crash my computer (especially since Dial-Up ruled the world).
Not only that, but BP was a black hole of unholy intentions. Folks would post their Magic Photo portraits, with just the right amount of ultraglare and ish to drown out their awkward features and whatnot. You know, the pics where they’d be perched on a column with their fists under their chin. Shoot, they just KNEW they looked good. Tryna find a boo and whatnot. Who knows how many hookups jump off love connections were made on Blackplanet? Someone oughta do a census survey. I’m curious.
Dang, I could easily scratch out all the BlackPlanet mentions in this post and replace with MySpace and it would still be accurate. The more things change, the more things stay the same.
There is no excuse for anyone to have a BlackPlanet page in this year of the Lord. iRebuke the notion in the name of Web 1.0 and the new Millenium. And I douse it with holy water. Get thee behind me!!! BlackPlanet is the Land of the Irrelevant. No one should have any business being on it. Not a n’an person.
BlackPlanet is more irrelevant than:
- A $5 gas card
- A Wachovia bank account
- Saucony gym shoes
- OctoMom’s NuvaRing
- A headband for Stevie
- A ponytail holder for Amber Rose
- THIS Guy:
BlackPlanet is the old man at the party with Twenty-somethings raising the roof and getting jiggy with it. Yes, him in the middle. Facebook is to the left and Twitter is the one holding the drank. BlackPlanet was clearly not really welcome at the party but the cool kids were like “Oooo we should take a picture with an old head and roast him.” So that’s how this picture came about. (Thanks to FungkeBlakChik for the pic. It’s just so fitting)
They oughta just let BlackPlanet ride into the sunset of the intrawebs to the Land of Abandoned Websites, along with hi5.com (oh it’s still around? Dang. I may need to wrangle a lotta these sites and have a mass funegro for em). I’d rock some clogs and a respectable church fedora and we could pour out some amaretto sour to all them sites that are dead and gone (although the Dot Com bust clearly missed some).
BlackPlanet needs to go sat down.
P.S. Word on the eStreet is that KING Magazine will be ceasing to exist. Where will the men get their monthly fix of Ass, Cash & Flash??? Oh yes, BET, VH1, YouTube, Google, Trina’s Calendar…
Article by Luvvie
Luvvie roasts and rants at AwesomelyLuvvie.com. She is also the co-founder of The Red Pump Project, an initiative to raise awareness on the effect of HIV/AIDS on women & girls (www.theredpumpproject.com). Luvvie is also a social media consultant and web designer.
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{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
LOL this is hilarious. I didn’t even know BlackPlanet was still around!!!!!! I think I was “ATLs_fynest” on there hahaha. I never did figure that website out (like how to format my page and stuff). But, I was probably fifteen when it was relevant, so pedophiles and random topless women in my inbox was a bit much for me. I agree that BlackPlanet needs to excuse itself from the world of social-networking because it is definitely time. I’m LMAO @ anyone who still uses that site. But, then again, I still log onto my MySpace on occasion so who am I to talk? lol.
@Alissa Griffith,
MySpace is going the way of Blackplanet now too, and pretty swiftly. Give it 2 – 3 months and people will avoid it like the laundry of a leper
*~*Lol this is tooo funny!!! I remember my screen name was “Sexy_Cutie_04″ or something like that…Wow…I haven’t seen that page in years!!!!! I used to log in every day (back in high school) just to check my notes!!! I also didn’t know that people are still on there. Really??? BlackPlanet was horrible!!! Hahaha*~*
@Shanae’ Brown,
Yeah some folks still eLoiter on BlackPlanet. No one I know though. I’d send them a sternly-worded letter if they were.
Hilarious! I had to do my best not to fall on the floor laughing in my office.
@Shakeer,
LOL! As long as you stayed on ur chair, I’m pleased
#1. Blackplanet really needs to give it up. It really should have been shut down for being a child predator breeding ground. & Myspace needs to go right along with it.
#2. I’ve seen dude in the picture at the club. HA! I think he’s a party promoter….
#3. LOL @ Wachovia account, I have one… just waiting on the transition. still relevant!
@NolaDarling,
Ok i’m mad you actually know the dude in the picture. HA! Next time you see him, can you ask him “Why? Just why?” Thanks, I’d appreciate that.
@NolaDarling If he’s a party promoter, he needs some Just For Me to take that gray away…so he can remain relevant.
@Sean Walton,
Even without the gray, he needs t go sat down. His grandkids miss him.
LoL! This was a hilarious read!! I agree, BP should be banished. I never had one, but I remember seeing my friends’ pages with all the ridiculous glitter and animations. Or the pages that had music artists as the backgrounds. And another huge LOL @ the mention of Saucony gym shoes. (The word is sneakers by the way… or kicks will due lol). Anyway, I remember I sued to get Eastbay (or was it East Bay?) catalogue and they were always featuring new, oddly colored Saucony sneakers… haha
@Sharri,
Here in Chicago, we say gym shoes. Like we say Pop, not Soda.
Man this is crazy. I never got BP when it was on the scene. But they were trying. The real tragedy is that it couldn’t sustain itself and stay relevant. Facebook got it on lock and now that Twitter is popular I want to quit using it. I’ve been on Twitter forever and it’s just now starting to catch on but oh well.
@Rance Rob,
Yeah I’m on Twitter too and I notice that the masses are just coming. I kinda dont want the whole world to join it then it’ll become overwhelming. We shall see
LOL Blackplanet is definitely History
LMAO @ “Black Planet is more irrelevant than: A $5 gas card, A Wachovia bank account
Saucony gym shoes, OctoMom’s NuvaRing, A headband for Stevie, A ponytail holder for Amber Rose ” pahahaha…HILA-rity! I used to have a BP my mom made me get off…its terrible that it’s still around..TERRIBLE
@FNS,
Ur mom made you get off BP? That woman is a saint (like Dorothy Mantooth. *Shoutout to Anchorman*!
Lawd….Can you say throwback?! BlackPlanet was the ish in middle school (I’m 19). I can’t believe people still have those and I’m mad you threw hi5.com. And can I add tagged.com to the list?
Bwaaahahaha! Capital-H hilarious! I’m emailing this to everyone I can think of, including myself!
My screen was centaurie and my page was pretty basic: I described myself, put one zodiac-related graphic on same (it was the ONLY thing that moved on my page, lol), and slapped on links to my fave websites, sticking to the preselected color schemes the whole time. I reached my breaking point when they changed the email setup and provided NO assistance in recovering or even changing my password! The spam didn’t help matters, either.
I haven’t set foot in there since early ’01, but I’m getting friend invites in my inbox TO THIS DAY. The fact that this e-dinosaur is still roaming is inhumane!
And yes, luvvie, myspace is dangerously close to that point, which is why I REFUSE to join.
I never heard about http://www.wachoviabank.com like this before. Thank for this.