Check out Men Sleeping With Men Part I HERE
So the last time we discussed this we talked about the idea of Men who sleep with Men but aren’t gay. The overall consensus was that this is in fact just an attempt for men to try to justify being down low or avoid the actual terms of Gay/Bisexual. Well well well. We have quite an update.
It seems that these men, and even further, actual gay/bisexual men are not hurting for women still! They are getting married! To women! Women who know! In our previous discussion most women said that they wouldn’t even continue to date a man who admitted to previously having slept with men. So what’s up with these women? Why would you marry a man who is admittedly gay and likes men? Here’s an excerpt of what one woman says about being a “Beard”. (I know! There’s a name for it!) She’s a reader of NecoleBitchie.com and had this to say:
I began talking to a guy in ATL (go figure) who is in a high power position and has worked close with some of the top dogs in the industry. He is gorgeous and real down to earth. Upon talking to him more and falling for him, we shared some erotic conversations & phone foreplay – it was then that I learned/felt he has some down-low ways in him. Naw, f*ck that, he was gay lol. One would think conversation would have stopped but I kind of felt for him, I was probably the first person in forever who he could completely be himself with.
She goes on to talk about how she pretty much fell for him, and while she did not actually continue that relationship with him, she could have seen herself doing it. Additionally, Dwight Eubanks from the Real Housewives of ATL is getting married!! He’s pretty openly gay & fabulous so I don’t get it. Maybe his Fiance is hoping to get a lifetime hook up on a good weave. I hope it’s worth it!
I don’t think I could ever feel sorry for a man enough to be with him despite him not actually liking women. I mean I have so many questions! I know that Gay men on the DL are able to get “It” up enough to have sex with a woman, but can they do that every single night? (Let’s be hopeful for the sex life). Ok Ok Ok…. I know you are saying “well he’s BI-sexual, which means he DOES like women.” I am kind of on the Gay is Gay train so I don’t really buy this, but for the sake of journalistic neutrality I’ll say I believe. I just can’t imagine sleeping with a man and fearing that deep down he’s imagining John. Or him always trying to have sex in the “other” way. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be insensitive, just sayin.
I know that the commonly held belief is that most Black Women will have slept with at least one man who has had relations with another man in his past, but this is considering that I don’t actually know it. So ladies, could you do it!? Could you date/MARRY a man who is openly (at least with you) gay or bisexual? Are there any Gay or Bisexual men out there who can see this situation working out for you? It is really worth it? Will you and the woman (or you and the man) be miserable later down the line because you pretty much just have a BFF and not a real husband or wife. I mean it could be nice. You guys go shopping together, do each other’s hair, all that fun stuff, but then have jump off’s on the side. I just feel like no matter what, denying what you really are and fighting it is never good in the end. Someone will crack. What if you have kids? Do you explain the situation truthfully to the children or do you simply lie to them too? That would really suck for it to come out later. Daddy’s Gay and Mom’s a Beard!
Article by Jennifer Garrett
JG* is a small-town turned big-city blogger who once wrote the random yet ever-creative look into the life of a girl entering the Quarterlife. These days as she prepares for her MBA program at The Ohio State University she's turned into quite the "Susie The Riveter." Working with teens by day, cooking delicious meals at night. Check out her blog showcasing her delicious recipes at http://jgrunsthekitchen.wordpress.com. Follower her on Twitter @JGRunsTheCity
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
First let me say ewwwwwww! Why would anyone date much less MARRY a gay man? Any woman who is willing to do this has truly reached the end of the road called “hope”. I think there is this false notion in the black community that there are “no good men left”, so women start settling for anything (thinking that anything is better than nothing). Ummmm no. And that woman who said ” I was probably the first person in forever who he could completely be himself with.” Hahahaha. She needs to get a clue. Feel sorry for him? Okay. Date him out of pity? Shameful.
@Alissa Griffith, “I think there is this false notion in the black community that there are “no good men left”
Thank you!! I hate this sentiment. It makes me mad and slaps the great black men in the face!
This is just Sodom and Gomorrah getting worse … and the burning isn’t necessarily happening to cities. It’s happening in people’s pants.
That’s all I can say to this.
I read about this the other day…and although I completely disagree with this woman, and I don’t understand her, that’s her choice, and preference. Maybe she is oddly (that’s my judgment) attracted to a guy who is also attracted to other men. I mean I have a thing for locks so maybe that’s her “thing” *shrugs*. Although I would never entertain this idea, it seems as though this is considered a “middle ground” for women who believe the notion that “there aren’t any good men out here”. And if that is the case…I don’t even know what to say to that…except mommy told me never settle
Sexuality is more than sex. I know its hard for most people to wrap their mind around these things but it embodies more than who you sleep with. Most of us can identify the first time we liked someone of the opposite sex, hence making us heterosexual before actually consummating a relationship. You cannot tell someone what their sexuality is based off of your assumptions. Self identification is a huge part of sexuality and if someone chooses to reject the title you put on them, then that’s their business. The important aspect is being honest with whoever you are in a relationship and progressing from there.
@Christina Brown, In the PT 1 post we discussed how most people determined sexuality. That question was posed as “Is sex the bottom line?” I mentioned virgins who were gay/bisexual as an example, so that was discussed and not really from a scientific or professional standpoint, but more from personal convictions and understanding. And I agree that you can’t tell someone what their sexuality is, it’s up to them to identify so I’m not sure what you mean by that? That nature of this post was women who marry men who are openly gay (or at the very least, openly gay to them).
And no disrespect but I meant to give this post a thumbs down, my pointer f’d up.
@Christina Brown, No disrespect taken! Your opinion is highly valued no matter which way it goes.
First, I think this is one of the worst “journalistic” efforts I have seen on the FreshXpress (no offense to the author). I think there are far more important things that could, and should, be discussed other than black women dating openly gay men (e.g. the ongoing housing crisis, health care, the federal stimulus bill, education, and international issues).
Having said that, I think any relationship where a black woman is comfortable with dating an openly gay man is doomed from the start. You can call me old fashioned, but I think these type of arrangements undermine the social fabric of the black community, at least what is left of it.
@RLS, None taken.
@RLS, I do believe there are many important things that need to be discuessed, but I think freshxpress tries to touch on real issues in our community. I think this is a real issue. You said it yourself, it undermines the social fabric of the black community. Not to mention the health risks included. If a man is sleeping with another man, and you marry him, thats not a good look.
@RLS,
I disagree. This is an extremely important topic to talk about because so many individuals are involved in this ‘DL’ lifestyle. Since I’m a victim of it and have found the incriminating ‘DL’ indiscretions it has shocked me to what extent that men are willing to go to hide these secretive sexual relationships AND how many men are out there looking to have ‘DL’ sex with other men. This affects everyone of all ethnic groups because I have seen ‘DL’ men from various ethnic groups looking for sexual stimulation from other men.
This topic needs to be discussed so people can be prepared to ask pertinent questions and spend crucial time in observing their mate. I’m not saying that there are signs to look for to determine if your significant other is on the ‘DL’, but, detailed communication has to be key in the beginning stages of a relatonship so individuals can be held accountable for their future actions (i.e. leading their significant other on).
For example, if a man knows what I’m looking for in a relationship at the beginning stages of a relationship then he has time, before both parties are emotionally invested, to make the decision to not pursue the relationship due to his hidden sexual preferences. This is very important!
Of course this may not prevent destruction in a relationship, but it gives a partner the chance to bail before having to explain any ‘suspicious’ activity.
Bottom lIne: If a person is struggling with their sexual identity/.sexual preferences they should not enter into any serious relationships or marriages until they are ready to be ‘open’ to the person they are trying to have a relationship with.
Eww, wtf, that’s gross why would u do that? Are black women really getting that desperate these days??? I don’t agree tho that there are issues more important than this one. This is a very serious issue going on in the black community, in the young black community. So, hey, we need to talk about these issues. young Black women have the highest # of new cases of HIV in the US, and this comes from many things, one issue being having unprotected sex with a partner who has sex with men. It happens, its real life, if we don’t address these issues, then what are we supposed to do? Sweep em under the rug and act like they’re not there?
Good sh*t JG*
I fell in love with a ‘on his way to being reformed’ thug. That’s what I call it anyway. My boyfriend spent most of his young adult life selling drugs and going to prison. Now in his mid thirties he is trying so hard to make right the wrong that he has done. I met him at this stage.
When we first met, he came across as a person who was tired of the bs he allowed in his life and was ready to attack life with a tenacity that he has never felt before. He was tired of all the game playing and ready to work on some of his goals and dreams. I think that’s what attracted me to him. After 2 months of dating he seemed honest and truthful and ready to handle life from a mature point of view. Two years later there are many things that he has accomplished that has made me proud of him. He started going to church and he got Saved, he stopped smoking weed and even decreased his porno watching. He stopped listening to the hard core gangsta rap and greatly decreased drinking alcohol. He cut down on his use of profanity. He graduated from culinary school and even earned certifications in the construction field. He stepped up his role as a father in his children’s lives (2 children by other women, not me). He and I started going to church every Sunday and read the bible together every night. We decided to become celibate. He got his own apartment. To the professional person these goal may seem trivial, but to an ex-con who has a jacket, righting the wrongs in his life is almost impossible. It’s hard to catch up when you have made so many baaaaddddd decisions. I believe that he is on his way to success. However our 2 year relationship has also been filled with a lot of pain. My man has cheated on me repeatedly. I don’t know if he actually had sex with people but I found many emails, voicemail messages and phone numbers written on paper from other people, especially during the early stages of our relationship (Yr 1). The day I listened to his voice mail messages & found out about the men I thought I was going to kill him. To make a long story short, my man spent the last 2 years in our relationship contacting, or emailing or speaking to men, women, transvestites and transexuals about sex. It has been devastating to our relationship, not so much the DL part. Yes, that was hurtful, but what hurt worse was the lies. Throughout our relationship I told my man extremely personal & secretive things that I had done in my life, and, it hurt that he did not feel comfortable sharing his secrets with me. He was repeatedly caught in these ‘cheating’ relationships.
Why do I stay with him? Because I love him, because I have seen such growth and progress in him, because he has seeked counseling and therapy to understand his indiscretions. However, it’s hard to rebuild trust in a relationship once it has been broken, especially when you find out that your man has been having secret sexual conversations with other men. What did we do? One of my requirements in even considering in continuing a relationship with him was that he had to agree that we go to couples counseling. We have gone to counseling for a year. It has been hard. Through therapy it became evident that my man is addicted to porn, lust and sex. He has low self-esteem and through therapy we found out that my man was sexually abused as a child by a male cousin. I don’t know if I will be able to stay in this relationship. I have dated many men, even been married, but this is my first love. It has been a love/hate relationship filled with a lot of pain. Sometimes I am so angry with my boyfriend and receives my wrath. Each day I wonder if my man is speaking to or sleeping with other men. He assures me that he is not, but he has told me that so many times before, only to get busted and caught. I believe that all human beings make mistakes, make bad decisions and mess up. I can deal with that. Really I can. I can’t deal with secrets, lies and dishonesty. I stayed with my man to give him, the ‘reformed thug’, an opportunity to trust me to tell me his secrets. I offered him the opportunity to end our relationship, and be a friend to him, while he pursued an ‘in the closet’ relationship with men. He tells me that he was only bi-curious and is no longer curious. I don’t know. I know that many of you will think I’m dumb, stupid or desperate. I cant explain to you how I feel unless you are me. I am a smart, attractive, educated 35 year old that just happened to fall in love with a ‘reformed thug’, who was/is on the ‘DL’. I can’t explain it any further than that. Yes, in an ideal situation I would love to marry this man, yes he wants to marry me, yes I thought about marrying him, but Im not ready. It will take more therapy and more prayers to figure out what my role is going to be in this relationship. Like some of the bloggers stated above, in the past I would hear some poor unfortunate woman’s story of her broken heart and her love and desire for the one who broke her heart, and I would say “Oh, she is stupid, how could she put up with that, nobody can be that much in love with someone, hell no I would bounce on his ass!”. However, it’s different when you really fall in love and the situation happens to you. Believe me, Ive been through heartaches and heartbreaks before, but I never felt this way for another individual. Sometimes being in love can be a blessing and a curse. I posted this blog so readers can try to understand a point of view from a person who is in this situation. I will be willing to answer any questions from those who genuinely want to know more about my relationship, but I will not respond to rude & ignorant posts. It was hard for me to put my feelings and emotions out here in cyberspace, however, I know that a lot more women and men are going through a similar situation and I wanted them to know that they are not the only ones. This undercover, secretive bi-sexual/homesexual (some call it ‘DL’) lifestyle is much more prevalent in the African-American community than I ever thought. Actually, it’s prevalent in all ethnic groups and their communities.
@Nikki, Wow. Let me say first Thank You for sharing. My first Post about the MSM situation was more serious and more focused, this one was a bit more cheeky and light hearted because I didn’t want people to feel like I was trying to be all scientific or religious. So I apologize to you and the other readers if it seemed like I was being insensitive. I also, held off on going too deep because I was hoping it would drive us to discuss, which it has.
I will definitely pray for you (no seriously, when I say that I *mean* that, even if I have to ask God to help the person who read my blog today that posted the 11th comment) and I hope that this works out for both of you. I don’t know what I would do in your situation. Heartbreak is so devastating and I think it’s interesting being that women often do just about anything when in love with a man, even unhealthy things, but we all balked at the idea that we would do *this*. I know I’ve fallen for a man before that led me to think that I’d put up with just about anything, and it was getting close to that *anything*, I sometimes wonder if he would have told me he was bi-curious, how would I have responded. Interesting.
Thank you again for sharing!
@Nikki: I have practiced as a Therapist and would encourage you (if not already doing so) to seek personal counseling to help you process your feelings about your current situation. Moreso, because the trust has been violated repeatedly and yet you remain in your relationship which ultimately can hurt you more in the end. If nothing else, you will come to many realizations and be provided with the opportunity to say things that you may not otherwise be able to express to anyone else. May you find peace and strength to do what’s best for you…
@Erika, Thank you for that awesome show of support. I think it’s important for all people to think about how we react even after trust has been broken numerous times.
@Nikki, “He tells me that he was only bi-curious and is no longer curious. ” So is he now just “bi”? I’m not saying this to be funny, but I’m just wondering. It seems like your issue is not just a matter of him being bisexual. Seems like you’d be willing to accept this. Your issue is now that of trust. And it seems that each time, he continues to break your trust. I won’t tell you what to do in this situation because I’m not in it, but I’ll say that living with and looking at daily someone you can’t (not don’t, but Can’t, as he’s repeatedly shown you) trust does not have a good impact on your health and self esteem. I hope your situation works out in a way that results in your happiness.
Does this story count for me who made a pact with my Gay best friend to get married to?
But seriously, Gay men who marry women often marry for companionship. Its like Will and Grace, except their marriage was only a common law marriage. I see nothing wrong with it, as long as women are not disillusioned into thinking that they are the only woman that can turn their man straight (and shockingly, I’ve met some women like that).
In all honesty, it can be like two best friends marrying each other. Think of a hetero woman and a hetero male going into their second marriage, and just marrying someone because they love spending time with each other, no sex involved. There are people in the world like that…my mother and her newlywed husband are an example (they grew up together, and have always been close; no sex is assumed based on how my mother is…).
@ChaoticDiva, Yes well see… as the above woman stated, she was thinking that things would change…
I mean I agree. I’m all for you marrying someone in whatever way makes you happy be it that you just want a companion or you just want to have sex regularly. LOL
Please take a moment to notice how many males are not speaking on this topic. How can we expect men with sexual identity issues to be so honest about themselves when we don”t create an environment that can foster that? From very young, men especially black men are taught: “don”t be no punk” Ridiculed for being forthcomig with their emotions. While I feel many black women are in relationships with gay men out of desperation. I also think there are a vast number of women who don’t care or have similar issues with there own sexual idedtity( they still feel gay after graduation). I myself am of the Freudian school of thought, that we are all more or less bi-sexual. Society and our experiences, along with our own core values help to determine to what end of the spectrum we find ourselves. Sexual attraction is a complicated thing! In terms of HIV i feel like we all jump on gay men because its easy. I have seen many relationships come and go and one thing i know is people always show their true colors and that most people see only what they want to see. If you are sleeping M2M, M2W, or W2W you should use protection. If you are going to marry Someone be honest with yourself before you even try let that condom come off Get answers about them for all the things you are wondering mught be true. I don’t have all the answers but i know one thing many women out there are missing out on men who would really love them, be faithful, and true, because they are riddled with doubt. On the flipside Bi-sexual people must Be honest. I know its hard especially when the world makes you feel like your choices are worse than murder, but how will you find truth for yourself if you yourself are not striving to be truthful. I don’t condem anyone person for marrying a gay/bisexual/transgendered person. Thats ya business!!! A good relationship is a good realtionship. The young lady who beared her soul about her man is a prime example of DL relationships being symptomatic of many deep underlying issues that both people have. Like attracts like ladies. If you are a strong positive woman on the up and up, you will atract the same, be they Man, woman, gay, or straight. Every good woman I know can recognize BS a mile a way. Partly because she listens to her intincts, The Holy Spirit, Feminine intution, etc… and sometimes because of her experiences. If you find yourself constantly getting with DL dudes or “Niggas that don”t act right” it may be time to look inside instead of blaming the cats you’re with. Remember, it wasYOU that let them in. One last thing: TAke time to get to know yourself!!! You will find Mr./Ms. Right for yourself if you don”t know “yourself”. Date yourself, love yourself, understand yourself. You may find that you are me. I’m a man who is attracted to women who are supremely feminine with a streak of Masculine traits, As long as her masculinity does not surpass mine and as long as my feminine charachteristics are well below hers.
@Niclaos, ****HOW will you find Mr./Ms. Right for yourself…****
I’ll comment before I even read: Reason 1 – We doesn’t make love like he’s gay. He’s so sensitive to your needs … in bed and its good … real good. 2. – He can help you get dressed with honesty. He’s not be “mocho” to say, “Those shoes ain’t workin!” 3. – If he’s faithful, he’s not gay. You know your man ain’t lookin’ at no other female. 4. – Girls have egos too and if we can make him go straight, or at least be faithful, it makes us feel really good to know that your stuff is so good, it can make a gay man straight! haahahaahaha – I’m not speaking from experience ok, I just know … STUFFFFF!
Last – if his secrets safe with you, you relationship it TTTIIIIIIIIIGHT!
Say No to the fake Nightingale for Governor!!!