“Save sex for marriage.” At eight years old, my parents’ directive seemed simple enough.
Fifteen years later, not so much.
I can’t help but wonder if there is anyone who still believes in saving sex for marriage. It seems like everybody is talking about, blogging about, singing about, basing entire reality shows about, and just plain having SEX. I don’t understand. Maybe I missed something, but when did sex in a dating relationship (and even outside of one) become a given? When did promiscuity and fornication become the norm?
People treat sex so casually, when there is truly nothing “casual” about it –not the act and certainly not the consequences (or rewards, but I digress). We pretend as a society, and more specifically in the black community, that there is no cause and effect. We have sex with whomever we want then we pretend like we’re getting off (no pun intended) scot-free. Are there no repercussions for bed-hoppin without commitment?
Of course there are.
It’s obviously not good for us. STD rates are through the roof (according to the CDC, roughly 48% of young black women have an STD, compared to 20% of young white women). HIV/AIDS is rampant in black communities (black people make up nearly half of all new cases). It seems that every time I log onto Facebook, another one of my friends is pregnant. In 2006, seventy percent of black children were born to unwed mothers. Abortion has taken over 13 million black lives within the last 30 years. (That’s 1/3 of our present population.) These are permanent situations that result from temporary relationships. Nonchalant decisions are producing life-altering events. It just seems so wrong.
Certainly, a condom might prevent some of the aforementioned consequences. However no condom, pill or shot can protect from the secret effect of sex – the less glamorous aspect that no one talks about, the invisible, yet practically unavoidable facet, the part that lingers well after the shower, change of clothes and even change of partners – the emotional consequences. Males and females (who don’t have empty chests) can admit that sex does something. Too often, sex intensifies what should never be that intense. It melds two people together who shouldn’t even be in the same room. It raises the stakes every single time. We can shrug our shoulders and act like it’s nothing; however, if we are honest with ourselves, we can admit that sex is more serious than we’ve let on and maybe there is a reason why some say we should save it until marriage (independent of any religious reasoning).
It’s not going to happen though. Nothing is sacred. I’m convinced we are a generation that has abandoned the concept of delayed gratification. Everything is instant. I like a song, I download it online. I want to talk to someone, I send a text. I have a thought, I update my status on Twitter. I want to have sex, I call up ol’ boy. We’re so: Think it, want it, get it, got it, next! that sometimes we don’t even stop to consider the consequences of our reckless actions. I’m wondering if we will even be able to “settle down” when we want to. If I am used to having sex with whoever, whenever (oral sex counts) then what is going to make me stop once some guy has “put a ring on it”? A man may talk about sowing his wild oats, but what will his harvest look like? I’m guessing a complete and total MESS of a sex tree that includes seventy percent of the girls in the club on any given Saturday night.
Saving sex for marriage might sound extreme. But isn’t sex with some girl/guy you barely know extreme? (I’m going to go out on a limb and say that’s never a good idea.) Maybe saving sex for marriage isn’t the best way for some –especially considering some people never want to get married — but then again, maybe it is. Either way, what happened to the idea of waiting? When did sex evolve from being just an option to being the expectation?
Is there anybody who still believes in saving sex for marriage?
Article by Alissa Christine
Alissa serves as Managing Editor for theFreshXpress.com. She enjoys reading, writing, shopping, Facebooking, Tweeting and all things PINK.Follow her on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AlissaInPink
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{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
Ooooh Girl…GOOD ARTICLE! I so agree with everything you said. You know what else, guys should appreciate a woman who don’t want to just jump in bed with them. It says a lot about her. Why would you want to be with a girl that 70% of the club has been with? I guess it depends on what you are looking for. Kudos to Alissa!
This is my first time commenting on an article on here… and I’ve read a few of your previous writings and mostly disagree with you but this article was totally on point and very well written. KUDOS! Great article!
Great article! I love ” a guy may talk about sowing his wild oats, but what will his harvest look like?”
So true. Maybe after the majority of us get tired of negative consequences we will come back to some of our parents’ common sense.
Great article, Alissa. You made alot of good points about how sex has become almost automatic in a relationship, casual or otherwise. I didn’t truly understand the true purpose for sex until I was married for a few years. Now I am instilling in my children that sex is serious. Of course I expect them to wait for marriage, but I am also letting them know that sex is not just the physical and sex is a responsibilty.
Unfortuantely, our society has become very lax in all areas so your topic/question comes as no surprise. The only way to get focused or re-focused is by taking a good look at yourself and asking what it is you want out of life. Our perception is our reality and we only get what we settle for. A lot of times, women give up the goodies under the notion that they can change a brotha’s mind about commitment and it never works. So, they move onto the next man, and the next, and the next… Sure, there may be times when you need the quick fix so you make the call and then what? You’re still left with emptiness and unfulfilled (in the long run). I think this is also worth mentioning:
“The CDC report also highlights continued racial disparities in prevalence of the 3 most common reportable STDs, with African Americans most heavily affected. In 2007, blacks represented 12% of the US population but accounted for 70% of reported gonorrhea cases, 48% of all chlamydia cases, and 46% of all syphilis cases.” (CDC Annual Report 2007) My goodness, the stats alone should be enough to make you want to keep your legs closed. I think at this point, if you are not a virgin, saving yourself for marriage or at least until you can settle into a monogamous, committed relationship is the best choice.
I like this read! Great symbolism: “I’m guessing a complete and total MESS of a sex tree that includes seventy percent of the girls in the club on any given Saturday night.” I have more to say later!
Alyssa, This blog speaks volumes. I have been thinking to myself lately like when did sex become a given in a relationship? To the point where I don’t want to be on the dating scene too much because guys think they’re going to get something or that they deserve to get some bootay. (lol). It’s a serious matter because HIV/AIDS is on the rise and we, African American women especially, are getting hit too hard with the cold reality that sex is serious and sacred. KUDOS!
Easier said than done. Everybody is a statistic in some form or fashion. Since sexuality is natural waiting for marriage can be a positive and a negative. As a black community I think we try to shun our young people away from sex by either not mentioning it all or saying something to them to the very extreme before they are even of age to really engage in sex in hopes of scaring the living shit out of them and they won’t do it. Then we wonder why our boys and girls are bigger whores than white boys or girls or any other culture on a global scale. During their upbringing they’ve been either ill-informed or temporarily manipulated causing them even in adulthood to make indecisive and uneducated decisions naturally. And let’s not even bring up marriage statistics without bringing up divorce stats its two sides to the pie. Is that possibly why many black males and females are not getting married in young adulthood or is it just because we are just lil’ horny bastards who want everything as simply as we breathe air?
I enjoyed the article but after reading everyone’s comment I wonder to myself…Is all the blame falling on the men? Is it only men that decide to have sex…I am surely not mistaken when I say that “It takes TWO!” Now I am not here to advocate for males but I do think we need to stop blaming them alone. Many women out there, as one of the comments puts it, “wants a quick fix!” I have always stressed the point it is a women who decides who enters her or not – it is her decision to lay down, it is her temple, her’s and her’s alone. I used to be one of the guys that jumped around from bed to bed and women to women but I got a glimpse of myself and turned my life around. I contribute this to three things: 1)GOD 2) A book called “Black Thighs, Black Guys, & Bedroom Lies” by Hasani Pettiford (good read, very informational – pick it up) 3) A recent tragic event that had me reevaluate alot.
@Andre, The blame definitely doesn’t fall solely on men…or women for that matter. As you said, “it takes two”.
I wanted to play Devil’s Advocate like I was casted in the movie as I read this Article Title in my Facebook Inbox – You put this together so well though, that whether or not I wanted to side with you I was forced to understand where you were coming from …
You Are Right … There I said it
I blame Society (not to mention marriage started off as “a kid for farm animals” swap) … I mean look at the current state of Marriage, I mean Divorce Rates in our Communities …
Also … Sex like everything else is becoming embedded in our lives sooner and sooner – Monkey See Monkey Do (no pun intended) …
As a kid if I saw the older kids doing something then I was curious … The curiosity has no age limit … SOOOOOOO the Kids will be Kids …
Not to mention … If you are allowed to test drive the car sometimes its smart … Don’t wanna put a ring on it and find out you have a lemon
I’M A FAN ALISSA
I agree with the author of this article 100%.
I no longer attend church and, therefore, don’t believe that one necessarily has to wait until marriage. However, I FULLY believe that we all need to be more selective with whom we share our bodies with. (Women AND men – I don’t discriminate when it comes to this topic because what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.) When I mention this to people, they look at me as if I have 3 heads.
It’s a shame that something so complex and seemingly beautiful has become just a pawn in the game of life.
Abstience is being taught in school, by gym teachers, old/outdated material, and people who don’t care. Not in the home. Often times, it is being forced and leaves children ignorant of the consequences. If people knew about all the risk I think it could cut down on how careless people are with it. The media is much to blame too. The things shown on tv, role models, and sexualizaton of children just makes things worse. Often times I would see kids praised and babied (basicallyy recieving a reward for the end result) when pregnant. I don’t think people should be shunned when they have kids out of wedlock, but many girls in my shcool recieve superstar treatment that almost encourages these actions. Consequences aren’t being felt and children ultimately are being patted on the headed. As with sex, other things (specifically things that are dangerous, esp. with the younger you are) are being priased. Kids now days don’t seem to care about doing illegeal things or ending up in jail, to some extent it seems like a badge of honor…as is a baby and a pregnant belly. While I believe everyone should live their own lives, I think it’s a bit sad how reckless many people ar being with it. Society as whole needs to re-evaluate what they are glamourizing.
I AM! It’s getting increasingly harder but I am still saving myself for marriage. It’s annoying though cuz lots of guys don’t believe me when I say it and I’m losing hope that there is a guy who would even appreciate it at this point. But I made the decision years ago and religious reasons have reinforced it, so I’ll be a virgin til marriage
don’t give up, stick to it. you will someday find a man who will cherish you.
Congrats..one in a million..don’t let your decision be swayed by anyone! most people wont admit it but many wish they were still virgins.
@Dee,
yes, it is rare to find a man who will appreciate your virtue… but that makes it that much more valuable to the ones who do because so few women are waiting. I am a 30 year old man who saved myself for a woman who did not return the favor, 6 years later we are divorcing after she ran away with her 3rd cyber boyfriend. I have found a 27 year old virgin across the atlantic ocean. in this day, virginity is so rare I had all but given up hope of my next wife being one and while I can’t allow virginity to be a determining factor in my marriage decision it is a BIG bonus… AND what it indicates about a person is a MAJOR factor in that decision.
Very pleased with this article. I’m in the holdout till marriage camp and I can’t agree with you more. Also, I hate the attitude that it’s supposed to happen in relationships now, just like that He’s Not that In To You mantra. Good work.
Ha, it seems this week “The Fresh” has been coming right down my street about things that I have been thinking about this week. As far as the question is there anyone even trying, I think that there are some trying, and some even succeeding. However I do agree with Kennan in that it is easier said than done. I can speak from my own personal experiences that as a young adult I was very precautious when it came to having sex, in fact I didn’t lose my virginity until my sophomore year at U.C. I think the thing that kept me from having sex was the fact that I’d been to these abstinence classes when I was young. My mother was always very open and honest with me about sex, and I could always go to her and say hey I kissed a boy or whatever the case may have been. I think the thing that kept me away from it the longest was this simple visual and explanation that a lady by the name of Mamie Harris illustrated for me. In everything that God establishes he use blood to seal the covenant…the greatest example I can come up with is the sacrifice of his son. God established a permanent relationship with his people through the sacrifice of Jesus’ life and through the blood we have been reconciled. In the same token when a man and woman have sexual relations he also put in place some bonding elements that established a covenant between that man and woman. When having sex for the first time a woman bleeds lightly (blood covenant), and for anyone who knows about neurotransmitters, you know that when you take part in anything pleasurable you release Dopamine. So God in his all his wisdom created us to be involved with one man, he set it up so that if you were, then you would have a strong bond with that man. However, we as people have liberated ourselves, and as a result we continuously degrade the bond that God intended us to have with one person, over and over again. In my opinion this is why it is most beneficial to wait, because you don’t have the baggage. The only way to accomplish the goal is to rely on God one hundred percent! We have to stop making excuses, “Ima man and that’s how God made me”, “I can’t wait that long”….when we make these kinds of negative statements we create and impossibility, where POSSIBILITY once existed and at that point we become defeated. So don’t give up hope it’s still possible and for those virgins left it is a great thing!
Great Article! In a world of sensationalism, sex has definitely evolved from a form of intimacy to a form of pure pleasure. With so many signs, songs, videos, shows etc. pertaining to sex (both directly and indirectly), we have become more than preoccupied with thoughts of sex. When our girl starts dating a new guy many no longer ask “what’s he do?”; instead we ask “how is he?”, referring to his performance in the bed. It’s really sad that it has now become pretty much a prerequisite to relationships. What’s even sadder is that people are following suit without complaints. The act of courting is meant to be done with the goal of working toward marriage. However, that goal has now been transformed with the end point now being sex (and possibly marriage if the sex is good). Though I missed the mark, I now understand the hype of waiting until marriage I think one good reason we all should have waited is because on our wedding night the sex would be AMAZING no matter what. Instead many of us may be doing a lot of comparing on our wedding night instead of just enjoying the moment. I really think God wanted us not to be able to say “this guy or that girl was better”. As Alissa mentioned, sex can have many more consequences than the ones we often highlight. We take something from the experience that is way deeper (no pun intended) than getting our rocks off. Sex is like a light switch. Once flipped on, it changes everything! I know we all like to profess that we have no regrets in life. However, I believe I speak for the world when I say we all wish that one or more of our sexual encounters never happened (and not just because the sex wasn’t good). Basing a relationship on sex hijacks substance right out of the picture. Many of us have stayed around in a horrible relationship just because the sex was good. What a sad situation! I honestly don’t think the worlds current view of sex will ever change. I think it has reached permanent exploitation. It is now up to each individual to develop their own view of sex and categorize its importance on their own, if they don’t want their future relationships corrupted. For those mature individuals that have had a few experiences, I think waiting until marriage is sounding a bit more appealing. Even if they can’t attain the goal, I think holding out a little longer might be achieved. It really does make a relationship stronger when you actually have to get close via alternate methods. this is foreign to probably 80% of us.
I’m not done, but I’m stopping.
Several good points are made about the nature of sex in this article but the answer is not an outdated and broken institution like marriage. As people acquire more knowledge they subscribe, understandably, less to religion and archaic religious values. For a black man to say something as I just did has to be shocking to some but that’s part of the problem. When solving your personal issues and dilemmas, it’s important to check dogma and preconceived bias at the door and be completely objective.
Now. What do we KNOW about sex? 1. It’s absolutely necessary for our propagation and 2. it’s one of the best experiences you can have as a human. And why, exactly, would we stigmatize and villainize such a wonderful thing and put it a box? I’m not saying go out and sex up everyone without discretion, but it’s important to to repress healthy feelings.
I absolutely disagree with BA. Marriage is NOT outdated and broken overall…maybe from what you’ve witnessed but it is still alive and well. While the 50% success rate is not the greatest, it is still not broken, or else people would not be still marrying.
While sex is a beautiful thing, it IS worth waiting on. I’ve chosen to save it until marriage-I’ve found other ways to express love in other ways, and found other uses for my sex drive.
I’m not a religious person who insists EVERYONE should save sex for marriage..to each his own, I most definitely say. But I have personally found it to be worth it…it cuts down on ALOT of the BS that goes on in relationships. I have significantly narrowed down who I date all because I DON’T have sex-many guys could not wait til marriage and thus did not want to date me…that was fine with me! I avoid TONS of drama that way. No relationship is without drama or problems, but let’s just say I DON’T have to worry about the possibility of getting pregnant or STDs or other things associated with sex.
To each his own…if you’re NOT going to save sex for marriage, at least be careful and make sure that person is worth it. Your sexual health (as well as your emotional health!) is too precious to roll the dice on it.
I find it rather silly when people are staunchly about waiting until they are married to have sex. I find it pretentious and will usually spell disaster. I feel sorry for you, Dee, because you’re going to waste all this time, riding your high horse and not getting your hands dirty, and then some guy will come and woo you with his words and you’ll say “oooh marriage time”, but on the wedding night, you will find yourself completely and utterly sexually incompatible. OOPS! That might have been something you wouldn’t have wanted to find out about before the long term commitment contract you signed.
Also, there is no separating religion from the sex before marriage issue, because religion is the only institution that tries to make sense of not being you are sexually and repressing your sexual feelings.
I don’t think religion is repressive in that. Please keep in mind that when the bible was written most of the people reading it and hearing it preached to them would have been in arranged marriage situations or otherwise would not have been engaging in fornication, or, sex outside marriage. I’m not going to say its not relevant to today’s time, but I will say that maybe it is we who have gone astray from the preferred way of living. I don’t think we have progressed as much as my fellow intellectuals would like us to believe