For whatever reason, this question has been hovering around me quite a bit recently. This past week, I got a call from an old flame who was curious about my current life (I’m an addiction that’s hard to kick, I guess). She got around to asking about my girlfriend, and upon hearing that we were still together and doing well, she asked the big one: “Are you going to marry her?” I’m not one to be thrown by sh*t so this didn’t faze me and I hit her with my standard answer to that question: “I don’t know.” I can’t forecast the future, so I don’t even speculate on the ever-changing dynamics between myself and anyone else. This wasn’t the answer she was looking for and began a tirade about how I have to make a change and try my best not to be a dick to this girl; I need to either commit to marrying my gf or set her free if I’m not going to marry her. Pure craziness! All of that was to ask, What is so wrong about simply enjoying time spent with someone, without pressure of future commitments?
The advice from young people always seems to be “date, date, you never know who you’ll meet.” However, lately I’m meeting more and more of my peers that see a problem with dating or relationships that are based in the present and not the future. They’ll only date a person that they will marry and spend the rest of their life with. From my perspective, no one seems to be able to grasp the idea that you shouldn’t worry so much about the future of your relationship if things are going well. Many times, folks are way too preoccupied with long-term prospects that they fail to focus on the present and wind up in f%@ked up relationships. There are some exceptions to that where you should probably worry about the future though. Worry if your Significant Other falls into one of these categories: has a terminal illness, not one drop of ambition or personal drive, a certified supergangster with tons of enemies, an incurable STD, or a bigoted family. Other than that, you’re best served IMO on enjoying your time spent together.
I’d be a fool if I followed this chick’s advice and dropped my girl like a hot potato simply because I wasn’t sure I would marry her. If we get to that point, we get there together and that’s when we’ll tackle it. However, I do want to be cognizant of the idea of wasting one’s prime years away so I’d understand if she ever got to a point where a ring is expected and not delivered. Besides that, I’m enjoying life as it comes!
How do you view dating? Do you only seriously date people in order to lead to marriage or do you date for pleasure?
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If you don't see future in a woman, you are wasting yours and her time… That being said, it's conditional on what both of you want. If all she wants is to live from moment to moment… then if that's what you want, cool.
The problem with the enjoying the moment philosophy is if it doesn't align with your future goals… what is the point of enjoying a current relationship that has no future… That's like renting an apartment. You get no return on your investment. Of course, I'm speaking of time and effort and not money in regards to relationships but sunk cost is sunk cost.
- Joe
I feel what you are saying.. I just won't date for the hell of it. I can't waste time. I have to at least date someone who has potential to be that for me. Like I wouldn't date an atheist knowing that I'm not cool with that simply because he's fun. Or whatever the case may be.
@JG*, Agreed. I cant stand to waste my time either. And thus, I rarely "date." Its just not fun to me.
With the exception of divine discernment, the only way to know if a person is who you want to marry is to date them. Unless you are sure that he/she is not someone you could see yourself with in the future, there is no reason to end the relationship because you are not at that place in your life. Tell that person that with time you two may end up there, but everyone knows that even that is not a guarantee. If you are dating just to date you also need to be up front and let your intentions be known. As a woman this is a requirement. You can't get to where you are going unless you know where you are.
I think it depends on how old you are. I mean. if we've been together five years, we're both pushing thirty and you're not sure if I'm someone you can see yourself with then, seriously, lose my number. Time is tickin. But I think dating just to date is cool while you're younger. Everything doesn't have to be so serious. In fact, I think it's weird when a guy tells me "I can see myself marrying you." I'm like, "whoa, whats your name again?" Granted, I'm not going to spend any time around a guy I cant stand, but I'm not sizing up the marriage potential of every guy I meet either.
I agree with pretty much everyone on this issue but lets not jump the gun here! She may not even be looking to marry her self. I would hope that these two have talked about their future though because one thing I can say,being a woman, is that we absolutely hate living on false hopes. There is nothing wrong with taking it day by day but if this woman iS indeed looking to be married and you are not, please end it now before it gets too deep. No one likes feeling like they have wasted their time, let alone their life.
Hello I'm Robin Monique and I'm a Pleasure Dater.
I date for the joy of someone's company. To experience his unique quirks that make him cool. To enjoy whichever connection comes from it (be it friend, fling, temporary boo or something more), take the lesson when its over and move on. Is there a Mr. Right out there for me somewhere? Of course. But I have no objection to enjoying the experiences and lessons learned from all the cool Mr. Right Nows in the meantime. Time well spent for me is never time wasted because each person left me with a valuable lesson I can take with me into the future or a crazy experience that makes me smile when I recall it.
Of course we all have goals and things we wish to accomplish. But you can't put love on your timeline. That's crazy. Some things really should be allowed to happen naturally. At least that's my take.