An age old question FINALLY gets an answer that’s not CLICHE!
Before I dive in though, I must ask: because this question was asked of me, does it mean that I am a decent guy and would thus know where they are? I’ll make an affirmative assumption regarding that presumption and say “thank you”! (Sorry, I watched “V For Vendetta” again recently)
Let’s get into it!
Ladies not only am I going to tell you what to do to increase your chances of finding a decent guy — but if fate is not on your side and you don’t find him in the place I recommend — I GUARANTEE, your consolation prize will be amazing!
And did I mention that my answer is not a cliche?!
Oh yeah, this will be a good one — strap in people. Let’s Go!!! (c) Diddy
Drum Roll Please! The place you should immediately begin looking for a decent guy is….
I DON’T KNOW.
But the good news is: YOU DO!
Ok, enough with the playing here’s your breakdown on what to do if you want to increase your chances of running into a decent guy.
First. Stop Looking. And I don’t mean that fairy tale nonsense about how “you’ll find love as soon as you stop looking for it”. I mean really
STOP LOOKING.
Instead, look in the mirror. Look at your life. Think about what you still want to do with it. Anything and I mean ANYTHING you still want to do with it. Anything you still want to learn from it. And then begin mapping out how to do it.
Gardening, Cooking, Web Design, Softball, A Marathon or Tri-Athlon, Yoga, Tai Chi, Be a Big Sisters, Coach a kids league, Volunteer at a Women’s Shelter, Take an Investment or Savings Seminar.
Something that YOU want to do to enrich YOU! I know we’re in a recession, but there are still A LOT of ways to cheaply learn, give and better yourself; starting with classes/seminars at your local library, cheap classes at your community college and I know for a fact that any of the clubs and organizations I mentioned above would LOVE to have you.
Here’s the point. This is VERY simple math. Meeting people is a numbers game. The ONLY way to encounter a greater number of decent guys is to encounter a greater number of people! But if you encounter people who are giving, volunteering, engaging, learning, caring, and chasing a dream — even if it’s just learning how to cook the dish they usually buy at a restaurant — your chances of running across someone decent are EXPONENTIALLY greater.
You’re first thought may be, “c’mon J, how many guys am I meeting at Big Sisters of America?”. But to that I would say: you’re thinking about it wrong. Think about every person that brought one IOTA of good to your life. Now matter how small a deed it was. How often was that a RANDOM encounter — a CHANCE happening? How many times have you met someone and thought “what are the odds” or “small world”. Using the Big Sister’s example — let’s say you befriend just ONE person there. That’s a night at the movies hanging out with a friend you may have otherwise spent at home. It’s her favorite bar/restaurant that you’ve never been to. It’s a wedding, charity or sporting event you never would’ve attended. Now add all of those people up!
More importantly though, this is all a bi-product of steps you were taking to BETTER YOURSELF! And surrounding yourself with people who want to do the same is a great start. It lets you know you have at least ONE decent thing in common and that’s not a place to begin.
That’s my theory on this. There is no magic bar or club that you haven’t been to. Get out and do something positive for YOU and you’ll run into more people with a positive mindset. A positive mindset doesn’t always translate into a “decent guy”, but look at it this way. The worst case scenario is a better you.
But if none of this is anything you want to do, then it may be time to ask yourself a tough question.
How “deserving” of a decent guy is a woman who has no interest in bettering herself…
Article by
Whassup people – my name is J.R. I’m a Jersey boy (born and raised), writer, people watcher and sports fan. I’m a black man with a degree, a job, no kids and no “priors”. It depresses me that those facts make me “rare”. I’m a guy’s guy. I’ve been in few committed relationships and a lot of…well…whatever you would call everything short of a committed relationship. I also have indisputable theories on life and love that you need to hear. Theories can be indisputable, right??
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Great article! Definitely a reality check for woman!
Good article. I hate when chicks are running around trying to find a “good” dude, falling in love every 3rd day like it’s a race to find a mate. Cool out, do you, and if Mr Right comes along, thank Jesus.
ditto! good article
Interesting perspective bettering yourself and broadening your opportunities… My two cents assess ALL the men in your life that are eligible. I stress all because many decent guys are excluded or overlooked because their current relationship status i.e. “he’s just a friend” or just an associate or he’s just cool. He’s a decent guy but yet he’s been relegated to non-dateable status for various reasons, all of which cannot be legitimate.
I’m just going to pose a very real situation…a woman who works with women in the fashion industry (an industry of women) and hangs out with other women in the fashion industry. She goes out a lot being the “artsy-type” and going to galleries, openings concerts and indie films. She enjoys herself and doesn’t look for anyone. There are guys in these places but they tend not to holla, despite being “artsy.” (I’m not counting the flirting that goes on in club from every guy looking for a piece) So what is a decent woman to do? I don’t buy the “not looking” thing because you do need to be somewhat open. As a woman who is reserved and favors quiet guys that aren’t the BET-type or overly Afro-centric, it can be hard. I actually have quite a few friends with this problem. Men too. This theory doesn’t work for people who are reserved and like things that aren’t typical. Honestly, I found a lot of decent guys online dating sites while openly looking.
I met my fiance at an Irish pub down the street from my condo. Within five minutes I knew where he’d grown up, that he was in grad school and his goals. He asked me out to dinner for the next night. Eleven months later we were engaged. He is not ashamed of my ambition and education and I feel the same about him. I don’t have to run myself ragged cooking and cleaning and “letting him be a man”. Black women, please do not apply affirmative action to your dating standards. A man who asks you who to hide parts of who are to make himself feel like more is a loser who will still resent you in the end. Trust me, no man who has himself together would date a woman with nothing unless he was looking for a trophy pushover to control. Avoid and all ‘grown and sexy’ events. Go to happy hours where professionals gather after work. Run a 5k with a college alum group. Volunteer on a campaign. Tell the older ladies at work who you trust that you’d like to be set up.
Nice article! Thanks!