Celebrity Twitter Rules

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The Twitter explosion is in part due to celebrity use of the social network. It’s kind of like being able to glad hand a celeb in public for the first time, except in a virtual sense. It’s cool because some celebs humanize themselves, and talk back. Others don’t.

This all comes with plenty of annoyances for real people. So I have consulted a few of my tweetpeeps about the annoying things celebs do on Twitter and have come up with a few rules. If a celeb follows these guidelines, he/she is guaranteed to make people at least think he/she could be a decent human being. Here goes:

1. If you cannot type or write in legible English, hire someone to tweet for you. The one thing worse than a person writing in an open forum or social network and unknowingly using bad grammar (especially when attempting to appear intelligent) is a celeb doing the same thing with a plethora of people watching. Besides, you can afford it and it would funny to see “Professional Tweeter” on someone’s resume.

2. Never tweet in the third person. You sound pretentious enough speaking in the third person. Taking the time to type out your own name to make a statement that should start with an “I” is, in Twitter speak, unnecessary. Remember, you’re limited to 140 characters and “I” equals one character. Your name … has more.

3. Follow more than six people. Following two people — your sister and your manager — is a surefire sign that you’re on Twitter to self-promote, and for no other purpose. If you’re trying to tell the world that you’re not interested in what anyone else thinks, Twitter isn’t for you. Go build a Facebook fan page. If you’re trying to tell us that you don’t like reading, I suggest you Google “Read A Book, Youtube.” Then click, watch and take heed.

4. Don’t tweet about how you’re excited to reach [insert number] of followers. Don’t ask for followers, either. You’re a celebrity, not a panhandler. ActTweet like it.

5. When you’re emotional or upset, block Twitter from your phone and your computer… or just don’t tweet. If you don’t heed this, you’ll end up like Soulja Boy — and say that you’re done with rap (good riddance) and that you’re moving on to your other dreams (Hope they include you reading the “Miseducation of the Negro” until you memorize it from the dedication to the epilogue). Did I mention that Soulja Boy called the people who buy the majority of his music the not-so-well-thought-out version of “saltines” in his recent screw-the-world Twitter rant? Not cool. Next time, just pull a Chappelle and go to Africa, and stay there, please.

6. If you say something stupid, and people call you on it, admit that you flubbed with grace, @tourex. We all make mistakes, right? Know that we little real people value humility. That means when you err, own up to it. Just note that it’s not the best idea to admit your flaw while simultaneously trying to make another point to make yourself seem intelligent, @tourex. We know you’re smart. Try sincerity … it works.

7. Reply to some non-celebs that tweet you. It could be as simple as a smiley face. I don’t use them because that would be a violation of  Man Law Section 10, Article 186.3. But @tiamowry made my week by replying to my simple compliment with a smiley face. This humanizes you.

8. If you’re not known for saying anything profound, don’t try it on Twitter. If you’re best known for whaling like a wounded puppy about how you wake up and flick a switch to turn yourself on at 1 p.m. or anything similar to that, stringing together inspirational tweets for your followers isn’t your lot in life. Just stick to saying “Get Money!” 20 times a day. It’s more believable. Again, stay in your lane.

One rule for followers of famous people: If they don’t respond to you, don’t get upset. It makes you look like the fanatic Stan. You know, the one Eminem wrote the song about.

Other small people: Is there anything else celebs do via social networks that irks you? What celebs do you enjoy following?

Tagged as: Celebrities, Twitter

Article by This May Concern You

Damon is a writer/blogger based in the Kansas City metropolitan area. He started This May Concern You: The Open Letter Blog [http://thismayconcernyou.com] after writing a single open letter to the one person who will neither accept nor deny his Facebook Friend Request. He's still in Facebook purgatory, but the blog has evolved into the place where Stuff White People Like meets Stuff Black People Hate on a plate with sides of moral and social consciousness. The letters are about pop culture, politics, sports and Damon's personal life. Some are serious and revealing. Others are self-deprecating, unabashedly honest and sarcastic. But each one aims to provoke thought and self-inventory.

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