Dear BET, iQuit U

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Part 2 of my BET Awards 09 coverage. This week’s sternly-worded letter has been well-earned, and quite the opposite of the last letter I wrote. With that being said, I must warn folks. I don’t even like to cuss that much in REAL life. However, I may be slightly vulgar in this letter because I’s pissed. Lawd, is I pissed! So to my fam members who read this (and Granny Doretha in Missississippi) , just know I’ont act like this regularly. The rest of y’all, I ain’t worried. LOL. So, here is my stream of consciousness unfiltered, uncensored and unhappy (well I had to filter a little bit otherwise my blog will be blocked in workplaces everywhere and who wants that?).

Dear BET,

F your ENTIRE life. You are DEAD to me. Deader than Sean Paul’s hairline. Deader than Arsenio Hall’s career. Deader than a crackhead’s dignity. I SPIT on you. I sworefo Queen Yawnce’s favorite lacefront hairhat that if you messed up the BET Awards, I was gon raise all types of Hell and rebuke everyone. Well my word is bond and I plan on doing so, starting with this letter from the bottom of my heart. I ain’t just mad for no reason either.

With the passing of Michael Jackson, King of POP, you made a promise to us all that the Awards show will be revamped to reflect this, with tribute galore in honor of Mr. Jackson. So I, like a dummy, went expecting something of the sort. For the first time in a long time, I was looking forward to an awards show. Well, to my surprise, y’all devoted about 23 minutes TOPS out of that 3 and a half hour epic show of nothingness to MJ’s glory. These 23 minutes included a tah’d rendition of “ABCs” by Old, New & Decrepit Edition. Was Boyz II Men busy? They could have AT LEAST gotten through it without gasping for air.

The rest of the tributes were sung by Ne-Yo and Jamie Foxx, who did SANG their behinds off. And Ciara, whose ONLIEST talent is her dancing skill was sitting on a stool? No… just NO! Where were the ACTUAL shucking and jiving tributes to the KANG??? WHERE, BET? I feel tricked, hoodwinked & bamboozled. Y’all some over-promising ass mofos!

Where was Mariah with the booming voice and 100-person QWAH (choir) to move us all to tears? I even got my best box of Kleenex because I was REST for my thug to be on the floor. My best *wall slide* was on stand by. And you may not agree but I do think Chris Brown would have done an MJ tribute justice. Is it because he Ponned Rihanna’s forehead that y’all said no? Fine then you shouldn’t have had Don Cornelius’ dusty self up there either. Didn’t he just get arrested in November for beating up his wife? Chris AND Don are BOTH outta order but if you will have one, have both. I’m not condoning domestic violence but I just wanted to see a proper tribute and Cbreezy would have done one. Hypocrisy, thy name is B.E.T.

Y’all have been effing up for YEARS! YEARS! Then Bob Johnson sold his people for a billion dollars, and the spiral down to the River Styx got faster. It wasn’t on Mount Kilimanjaro before but at least there was a tiny semblance of sense on there (remember “Teen Summit?”). THIS was the chance to redeem yourself and make Black folks proud. The entire world was watching because you promised us you would do Michael proud. The biggest entertainer in this generation just passed and you all promised to do him right. But instead, you used him as a ploy to make us watch your 3.5 hours debauchery while sprinkling some mentions of him like dandruff. No. EFFING FAIL BET! FAIL! You are the spam email of television. I add you to the junk folder of my cable TV, never again to be watched.

iHatechu and the horse you rode in on (no Jay-Z). You, your overseer Debra Lee, and your entire production staff needs a good old-fashioned Tugaloo, Missississippi ass whooping for that plum foolery you cursed us with. Those are 3.5 hours of my life I can’t ever see again. Not NEVER!

BET, iCan’t with you.

Isweahfo Queen Yawnce’s liquid leggings and one-piece spandex that BET is on my permanent sh*t list, next to beets, horror movies and clowns. iRebuke you in the name of Diva, Halo & Ego to the pits of Dereon Hades w/ 3-headed dog in the finest kanekalon hairhat.

iQuit Black Emblazoned Embarrassment Television in the name of Glitter! *2 fingers up* BET, until you do right by me (and other sensible Black folks), everything you touch will FAIL. Everything you touch will crumble. BET, if you were a VeeDee, you’d be the anti-herpes. You are not the gift that keeps giving. HMPH! Debra Lee, on behalf of Black folks everywhere, I wrinkle my forehead at you & your channel. Like this S:-|. You have FAILED! Please pack your ENTIRE sh*t and GO!

*drops mic*

*comes back*

Oh and expect your “FOOL SADDOWN” vacation package via Wells Fargo within the next 3-6 weeks. Comes with a Penthouse Suite at Chateau de Y’all ain’t Sh*t! That is all.

I got an attitude!

Check out a DOPE poem about BET’s jankiness over at my eSis’ NaturallyAlise’s blog. Tis mad clever!

Article by Luvvie

Luvvie roasts and rants at AwesomelyLuvvie.com. She is also the co-founder of The Red Pump Project, an initiative to raise awareness on the effect of HIV/AIDS on women & girls (www.theredpumpproject.com). Luvvie is also a social media consultant and web designer.

Luvvie has written 47 article(s) for us.