Did you really want to hear it?
Really??
I don’t think you do…
Historically, I’ve been the awful guy that “led” girls on. Although it never seemed like I led anyone on.
Scenario A:
Guy meets girl and likes what he sees. They hang out, talk on the phone regularly, and one day, the guy gets the infamous question, “So what are we doing?” Over the last little while, he could sense it coming, yet, he continues on because she shags like a minx. Actually, she doesn’t get on his nerves so comfort isn’t an issue. She even watches sports and knows the rules. Alas, the timing isn’t right so a halt is called to the proceedings. Much in the same way Hester had to don the Scarlet A, he now has a bronze “D” for “Dick.” Should he have said he wasn’t looking for a relationship upfront? Yes, something should have been said earlier. The gentleman is probably guilty of leading her on.
Scenario B:
Fast forward and now the guy with a bronze “D” catches up with an old friend who remembers his rolling stone ways. They reminisce and he finally gets the one he missed. The same events unfold as they do in scenario A only he’s grown a bit and maybe considers settling down. The non-committal force is strong with this one. Time passes and the uncertainty starts to bother the young lady. She asks, “So where is this going?” That question hits the gut like a bad Jagermeister shot. He doesn’t want to end things with her but she’s tired of his garbage.
There are other scenarios and they could go on forever. In scenario B, the “what are we doing” question was asked after the state of the union was given. Full disclosure of intentions were given in the beginning. Hell she knew about his rolling stone ways.
Sometimes a guy thinks, “I didn’t settle down before. Why did you think I was going to settle down now?” Well that’s not right because I guess you never really know who is going be the one. Sometimes, he just plays it by ear and sees if he can settle down. Until a guy gets to that point of commitment, there are just too many pretty women.
I made the decision to try the upfront thing and it got me to the exact same place…branded with the bronze D. At this point, I’d like to pose the question: What is it that women want to hear when a guy states his intentions upfront? If he says he is not looking for anything serious, then how can you get bent out of shape when he says as much when the question arises down the road?
Maybe that’s the problem: Non-serious relationships should only last a short time.
Guys I know get comfortable and just figure they’ll deal with the relationship question when it comes. Men never want to ruin what they perceive as a good thing. I’d make the hypothesis that women see possibilities when men invest time.
Nevertheless, if a woman really wants a guy and finds him not to be awful, does it really matter if he says he doesn’t want anything serious? I’ve been duped by the sly line, “I’m not looking for anything serious either.” Truthfully, that shocking discovery ranks right behind the day I found out the Jets and Giants play in the same stadium. All those years of hearing the sportscasters say the Giants at Giants Stadium and the Jets at the Meadowlands never clicked. Did I miss the Jets at Giants Stadium line? Did I miss the huge Giants sign at Jets games or something? As ashamed as I am of my naivete in regards to the Giants stadium snafu, I am more ashamed that I fell for the “her not wanting anything serious either” bit.
What comes after being upfront? Do you kick it up a notch and be a dick upfront? Do girls really pay attention to what guys say upfront or does that just make the challenge greater? Could someone offer some guidance?
Sincerely,
A Guy With Questions
Article by
Whassup people – my name is J.R. I’m a Jersey boy (born and raised), writer, people watcher and sports fan. I’m a black man with a degree, a job, no kids and no “priors”. It depresses me that those facts make me “rare”. I’m a guy’s guy. I’ve been in few committed relationships and a lot of…well…whatever you would call everything short of a committed relationship. I also have indisputable theories on life and love that you need to hear. Theories can be indisputable, right??
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
From what I’ve learned man, it doesn’t matter what you say. Women hear what they want to hear and believe what they want to believe. If you tell a woman “I don’t want a relationship” and you kick it with her like a friend, hang out with her with no sex sometimes, and treat her nicely, she’s going to get confused and say “what are we doing?” Despite the fact you said “I don’t want a relationship.” She doesn’t care what you say.
If you tell a woman “I want a girlfriend” and you treat her like shit, she’s still going to end up liking you. In her mind, because you want a girl, she’s thinking that the way you’re treating her is not how you really feel since you said “I want a girlfriend” and she’s hoping it’s going to be her. She doesn’t care what you do.
The bottom line is, you can’t control what you’re labeled as. The best you can do is just tell her up front, let her make up her mind with what she wants to do, and then wear the Scarlet letter when she starts telling her friends you’re an asshole who doesn’t know a good woman when he sees one and is “afraid of commitment.” It’s just a ploy women use to deal with rejection, I wouldn’t sweat it at all. The only thing you can do is be honest. Everything after that, isn’t all that important.
@G. Hylton, “From what I’ve learned man, it doesn’t matter what you say. Women hear what they want to hear and believe what they want to believe.”
Never seen a more true statement.
@G – I was looking for something to disagree with in your comment. Couldn’t find a damn thing!! lol…
@Truth Merchants, right, lol.
Well I totally agree with the men and women being upfront about what they want when dealing with the opposite sex. But wqhat drives me crazy is when the guy (in my case) says that he does not want a commited relationship but his actions don’t comply with the statement AT ALL. He wants 2 be wit the girl all thee time, spend all holidays 2gether, gets jealous when she speaks of other guys, behaves in everyway that a boyfriend or guy who is in a commited relationship should act. Now what is the girl suppose 2 think in this confusing situation….should she act in accordance to him SAYING he didn’t want to b in a commited relationship or should she let his ACTIONS speak louder than his words??
@Tiana, This is true too, lol. Guys can be confusing. Ultimately we want our cake and to be able to eat it too. So we may not want a committed relationship, but we may want you all to ourself. Its real confusing.
In that case Tiana, you hit ol boy with a “pause” and “time-out.” Then you throw a penalty flag and say “offsides, contradictionin statements is leading to confusion. 15 yard penalty repeat 1st down.” Or in laymen’s terms, you tell the guy “look, you said you wanted it to be one way, now you acting the other way. You need to make a decision and stick with it.” People only do what you let them get away with. If he told you he didn’t want a girl, then you make him stick to that. When you’re the cut buddy, your anger has no validation. You’re free to do as you please in the same manner as he’s free to do as he pleases. Anything outside of that, needs extended discussion. Simple as that.
Just speak ENGLISH!! I would have mad respect for a guy who was honest and just said: “I think you’re attractive, I like spending time with you, I wouldn’t mind sleeping with you on an occasional/semi-regular basis, but I absolutely do NOT want a relationship.” At that point, it’s on me to decide if I want to deal with that, and it’s my own fault if I let myself catch feelings. Everything needs to be crystal clear though…and enough with the “I’m not looking for a relationship, but if one happens, I won’t fight it.” That statement is unnecessary and I think a lot of women don’t hear the first part at all once the latter is said.
@Camielle, You’d be surprised at how often this DOESN’T work…