It’s Not Me, It’s You

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Lately I’ve been let down by brothers and sisters so now, like it was Festivus, you’re going to hear about it. There’s too much complaining. I look first at the ladies because well, most men rarely have those discussions…we’re talking about the upcoming NFL season more than anything (Don’t start complaining now either fellas it’s a bad look). I’m constantly hearing and reading about the death of chivalry, why men cheat, how all of us are locked up, we don’t take care of our kids, etc., ad infinitum. So what I’d like to request from the ladies is some reciprocity. There are some scummy a** dudes out here…just like there are plenty of scummy a** women. Let’s face the facts; people were screwing each other over before we could produce fire. I’m not saying we should never talk about it, but I am saying let’s talk about things in perspective. I mean just that…put everything in perspective.

1) Yes, chivalry is dead. Now of course some men will still open a door for you and all that good stuff. In reality…it’s dead and that’s not really a bad thing. “Chivalry” went hand in hand with a lot of things that a modern woman would not tolerate. Gentleman opened doors and protected the honor of women who sat quietly and didn’t express opinions. There was a lot of chivalry going on when you were pregnant and barefoot in the kitchen. These things went hand in hand. To make it simple: I’ll help you out of the carriage and hold the front door…then you need to go make me a sandwich. Sounds crass? Well that was about the size of it. You can’t EXPECT to reap the benefits of then along with the benefits of now. Not to mention those of us that will hold a door have had some of you rip us for being “chauvanistic”. Mixed messages don’t help either.

2) You can’t always be independent. There is no I in team. I’m all for your independence…but you have to realize that you can’t be part of something and be independent at the same time. That’s what we call a paradox. If your strongest defining trait is that you’re independent; don’t get married, don’t join a team and don’t join a group. Lone wolves don’t run with a pack. You can be strong and intelligent, but you cannot be independent and really be part of something. So either be Lauryn Hill (pre or post Marley – your choice) or be the Fugees, stop trying to do both.

3) Times have changed. There seem to be a lot of issues about “gender roles” and I’m not going to solve any of them. I will say this (which ties into #1): Things are different. If you’re married and you’re mad because your husband doesn’t help with the housework…it’s pretty much your fault…I’m not saying go all Sophia on your husband…but I bet she didn’t have that issue with Harpo. I recommend you assert yourself. Also…if you’re in that situation you better not have a son who you aren’t teaching to cook, wash dishes and clothes, etc. You’re doing what your husbands’ parents did. My main issue is this…stop trying to be the modern liberated woman who has a man that fills traditional roles, while he also gives you freedom, is sensitive and willing to cry. If you move one pillar the other has to move to deal with the weight distribution, otherwise the structure will collapse. It’s bad enough that people forget stay-at-home mothers normally didn’t just stay at home. They also acted as the managers of the household, often times a husband would hand over their check and get some beer and bowling money while the wife held down paying the bills and such. In the end, don’t expect to have a man pay the mortgage and other bills while you buy fun stuff. That’s what kids do when they get part time jobs…and even some of them are asked to help with bills. If you can make it work for you live it up, but don’t be surprised if he starts treating you like someone he shelters and pays for and not an equal.

4) Stop spreading (unverified) negativity. I can’t remember, what percentages of black men are locked up? How many more of us are in jail then college? How many black women will get an STD from their spouse? What percentage of ya’ll are single? You know…I don’t think I care anymore. Not that I don’t care…but numbers lie. The next time someone quotes a statistic, ask this question: “What’s the denominator?”. See, I’m sure there are more black men in jail than in college…unless we start doing 10+ years to get a bachelors degree it’s going to be that way. Most brothers don’t stay in college until they’re 30, 40, 50 and 60…jail doesn’t give you much of an option. Seventy percent of women are single? Why don’t I ever hear how many are gay or never plan to marry or how many are in a relationship and just not married? Are those factors accounted for? Why don’t I ever hear how many men get STDs from a spouse? Better yet…why is every “study” I hear about seemingly based on black men being the worst thing to happen to black women and the world in general? Before you start repeating these “facts” look into it or at least think about it for 5 minutes.

Don’t worry ladies…it’s not just you, but right now I only have one thing to ask of the men.

5) Speak the hell up! Every time these issues come up a few brothers say something and the majority try to get out of the line of fire. So you end up with every woman in the room speaking their mind. Two brothers are making intelligent counterpoints and another one is talking nonsense…loudly. Look guys, we don’t talk about things the way women do and that’s fine. Hell, my man got shot in the leg and we just talked about how the Ravens season was going (does that sound horrible?). I don’t think men are ever going to have discussions at the same level and frequency that women do…I accept that. Just stop being that guy that sits back while we get ripped. I’ve had more women back me up in a debate than men. We know those ignorant ass dudes. We went to school with them. We work with them. We’re friends with some of them. When we have daughters or sisters we stay on the lookout for them. Hell, most of us know women who we’re warning about them. We also know plenty of stand-up dudes. So if you are one and you know some, represent for them. If not the next time I hear some stupid percentage or read some god-awful article I’m going to blame you. “If a civilized man doesn’t perform his duty what shall be done?” This includes calling out that dude who comes to poetry spots with joints like: “Motherqueenearthgoddess”, “God is a Woman” and “Brothers we gotta do better”. I hate that a–hole and he’s usually the cruddiest dude in the room. Punch him in his throat.

Article by Rahsaan Goldsboro

Amadeo is a Baltimore native who's spent almost 3 decades pissing into the wind and teaching children to do things that amuse him. He works as a vocational counselor until that big break as a lounge singer comes through.

Rahsaan has written 9 article(s) for us.