AKA Wax Statue Madness

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Disclaimer: Let me just say I have nothing against the ladies in Pink & Green. I’m a roaster lover, not a fighter. I just hope this and my last post about Black Greek Letter Organizations (Clinton’s a Sigma, Jesus is an Alpha) don’t get me or my future chilrun blacklisted from Greekdom. I can see this convo happening between me and my Mini Luvvie one day.

Future Luvvie: *Heated* Ma, What the heck???
Me: Fool, Iunno who you think you talking to but you better come again!!!
Future Luvvie: *calmer* What happened, Mom? I went to the ____ informational and I told them who I was. They told me “No… Just No. We know your Mama. She is RUDE.”
Me: *looking innocent* What I do?
Future Luvvie: They said you used to roast them back in the day. You know, before you became Top Flight EVERYTHING of the World (sharrap yall! It’s my fantasy). Now I can’t pledge nothing by Me Phi Me.
Me: We can do Us Phi Us. Anyway, sorry baby. Umm… I’ll buy you something to make you feel better. How’s that?
Future Luvvie: *thinks for a sec* Aight cool! Can it be a car?
Me: o_O

But yeah, I’m risking my kids’ future here! Can I get a medal for speaking the truth? No? What about some crepes? Dang, y’all are stingy.

I’m an equal opportunity roasted and THIS sitch called for it. Besides, I blame all those people who requested that I write this post. They don’t wish me well. They just want me to burn in the pits of Dereon Hell, where Mama Tina will meet me at the gates with a bedazzle gun and a lacefront hairhat to wear for eternity. But I’m Team Jesus all the way! I even got a glittery brooch that says “Jesus”. I borrowed it from my Granny (who by the way, is 78 today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, G-Ma!).

Anyway, no disrespect to the members of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc. but even y’all know this situation is ridiculous. They are suing Barbara McKenzie, their president, to remove her from office because she’s spent the organization’s money on personal luxuries. Y’all wanna tell her “You ARE the weakest link. GOODBYE!” and I understand.

One of the things Barbara did was get a $900,000 wax statue commissioned to be made in her image and I ask: Who she thank she is? Madame Toussaud ain’t approve of THAT nonsense. This woman actually went and asked for this to be built for her. Self-idolatry and narcissism to the fullest!

But I guess money talks, common sense walks. Except it wasn’t her money. How’d she figure she wasn’t gonna get caught for stealing all that money from the Alpha Kappa Alphas? Did the AKA Exec Board go to the bank tryna “check up on it” and were shocked when they found out that they were broker than a scratched CD? All because President Thieving Von Embezzlement wanted to be greedy.

It’s a recession and Madame President got herself a rubber doppelganger. I present her with the Ultimate “Fool SADDOWN” Gift Basket complete with the “REALLY???” Mani & Pedi spa package. I had to commission my people (Jen B) to make that basket specially for her. What is WRONG with folks?

If you gon jank $900,000, at least spend it better! Like donating it to Nas to cover 16 months worth of his child support payments to Kelis (another o_O situation. But I won’t get into that today). She coulda sponsored AT LEAST 300 fly-infested African children in a Sally Struthers’ commercial. SELFISH!

But umm… couldn’t she have gotten a discount on that statue for not having a neck? I’m just saying. That should get her at least 5-10% off. She got jipped!

I know ain’t no refunds on that wax. Look, folks. I ain’t mean to call out AKA Prez for being neckless. Her chest is just heated because of the chin skidmarks it had on it. I tried not making me point out that she looks like she was playing in a funhouse mirror. Just stumpy. But iCan’t with her. She is out of order! She is just RUDE (and selfish).

I just hope she doesn’t have her organization in financial peril because of her foolishness. THAT is why she deserved the roast.

According to reports, she used the organization’s credit card for all these random purchases and then used her reward points to buy a TV and gym equipment. She bought gym equipment??? Barbara, methinks you are in need of a plethora of more people. o_O. Ya know what? I’mo just leave that alone. My gasoline drawers are already being FedExed to me. I don’t need them hand-delivered.

The Lord knows my heart is as pure as the Alaskan driven snow (after Palin resigned). It ain’t my fault that I roast some folks to pieces. I would light a candle but there may be a wax shortage around these parts. That statue looked all heavy. I know it wasn’t hollow in the middle. Oh. Where was I? Please forgive me.

Sidenote: Also heard the Zetas are trying to get Sheryl Underwood to step down as their President. Maybe they’re just realizing that she looks like Wesley Snipes in “To Wong Foo”. But nothing a little better makeup can’t fix. *shrugs* IDK

*reads that*
*Commences repentance*

*sings* (to the tune of “Hard out here for a Pimp”)

“You know it’s hard out here for a Greek
When you tryna get the money for this pledge
With the statues and the cash spent on Benz (Iunno if she bought a Benz but for rhyming purposes, lol)
Will have a whole lotta sorors jumping ship“

I’mo go sit down now and think about my life. And pray some more. Them Deluxe Clouds in the Sky will be my residence one day!

But umm…what do y’all think about Madame President & her penchant for self-idols?

Article by Luvvie

Luvvie roasts and rants at AwesomelyLuvvie.com. She is also the co-founder of The Red Pump Project, an initiative to raise awareness on the effect of HIV/AIDS on women & girls (www.theredpumpproject.com). Luvvie is also a social media consultant and web designer.

Luvvie has written 80 article(s) for us.