It seems as if lately, women (especially African American women) have been wearing the label “bitch” like it’s Superwoman’s cape. I don’t know when this started (perhaps Trina’s to blame) but I am appalled with what ease the term rolls off of men’s tongues and how de-sensitized we, as a females, have become to it.
I guess this all started when I was reading the Facebook status of one of my male friend’s after the VMAs. It read “Alicia Keys was the finest bitch there tonight.” I thought to myself dag, I understand what he was trying to say but did he have to call her out of her name to get his point across?
And I guess that what baffles me even more is why I don’t hear any women really protesting it. It seems that as long as there’s a semi- positive adjective in front of it like “fine,” “independent,” “or “5-star” then it’s acceptable–most of us will answer to it. Hell, some of us will even make it our Facebook status or our ringtone. But like we call a spade a spade, let’s call a bitch what it really is “a female dog.” It’s an offensive, demeaning term and I don’t understand how any of us can voluntarily answer to it or even assign the term to ourselves regardless of what adjective you put in front, behind, or against it.
And I hate to take it there but let’s be real. I don’t see any women of the melanin-deficient persuasion allowing themselves to be called such and I don’t see their male counterparts mainstreaming the term in their music. Not that we should always strive to live by the same standards they put in place, but in my honest opinion I think they have us on that one.
We as women are constantly talking about how men treat us like garbage and disrespect us. But how can they respect us if we aren’t respecting ourselves? How can you be mad at a guy in the club for saying you and your homegirls “ain’t nothing but a bunch of bitches” when two seconds ago you were on the dance floor waving your hands in the air like you just don’t care when the dj said “will all the sexy bitches put their hands up?”
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m no saint–and I’ve used the word before, but when I use it, I use it to be what it is meant to be–an insult. I don’t go around labeling myself “the baddest bitch” or a “5 Star bitch.” I don’t care if you walk up to me and say, “Excuse me, but I had to just stop by and say hello because you are without a doubt the sexiest bitch in this room tonight.” I’m not going to respond to it. I don’t care if you take Drake, Lil Wayne, and Gucci Mane and put them on a hot track together and they say, “All the fine bitches report to the dance floor.” I’m going to sip my Long Island Iced Tea by the bar.
But maybe I’m in the minority…Maybe by being so adamant against it, I am giving the term too much power–like the “n” word. Maybe it should be taken in context. I don’t know. I just know this: I’ll answer to diva. I’ll answer to bossy. I’ll answer to The Lioness. But I won’t be answering to bitch.
Is the use of the term dependent on the context of the situation? Can being a bitch be a positive thing? Do any of you proudly call yourselves that and, if so, why? And should we continue to let men use this term so loosely?
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The Lioness is co-author of the relationship blog Pass Me a Shovel (http://www.passmeashovel.com).
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{ 53 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree with this post. That term is not endearing and I would never respond to it like it is. Granted, I’m sure someone could legitimately call me that at times (behind my back, of course) because of my attitude or whatever, but I would not embrace that term as a definition of myself….and I don’t understand women who do.
@Alissa, I can cuss like a sailor when I want to, and that is one word that I will NOT use, nor will I allow myself to EVER be called that whether it’s as a “term of endearment” or malicious comeback. I HATE that word – always have, always will. It’s not a compliment, it’s not a nice slang term, it’s not a term of endearment. It’s an ugly, misogynistic, degrading word. So Alissa and I are on the same page.
http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/bitch
Ok. This is going to be hard to explain. I’ll probably catch flack from this, but whatever. I’ll be honest. The word “bitch” motivates me. At least when I say it to myself it does. There are times when I want to kick ass. When I want to feel bold and brave. And in those moments, I reach for that word and it gets the job done better than any other word I can think of. Some days I want to feel like a “phenomenal woman.” Other days, I want to be “the baddest bitch.” Just depends on my mood. But again, this is just my internal dialogue. I try not to use the word too much in the presence of men. Much like I don’t use the “n” word in the presence of white people.
I don’t think this is just a black thing. I think there are a lot of women who equate the word “bitch” with power. I’m not sure when this switchover occurred but it did. For example, there is a self-help/improvement book series called “Skinny Bitch Guide to…” and it was written by white women. The book “Why Men Love Bitches” was also written by a white woman if I’m not mistaken.
@Robin Monique, I’m not saying that referring to ourselves as bitches is a black thing. What I am saying is that more often you here our black men calling us bitches in songs, movies, etc. than you see non-black men. It’s almost as if the word is becoming synonymous with “lady” or “black female.” And yes, often times the term bitch is equated with power but just not the kind of power I want to be associated with.
@The Lioness, Different strokes for different folks, I suppose. But again, I’ve very rarely had to worry about being disrespected because I happen to like to use the term “baddest bitch.”
I find that women who use this term as one of endearment tend to be misinformed, undereducated, or they just have low self esteem. It hurts me to see women degrade themselves, especially supporting nonsense in the club, getting “hype” when a song calling women “bitches” comes on.
When degrading songs come on (just like the ignorant ones), I am known to be the party pooper and sit my buns down at the bar, pretending not to hear the song, or talking about how degrading the lyrics are. Let me be a lame: at least men know that they can’t get away with disrespecting me.
The commercialization of the word “bitch” is definitely not just a black thing. As evidenced here… http://www.skinnybitch.net/
BUT if we’re strictly talking about the way it’s used in the Black community and hip-hop culture, then I see SOME of what this post is saying. I just think its slightly unfair to assume that all women who embrace this word are misinformed, undereducated or have low self-esteem. That hasn’t been my experience at all.
@Robin Monique,
I’m aware of this. Most of the clubs I go to are mixed clubs that tend to have more 2520′s present than anybody. I live near an uppity college (University of Michigan). You’d be surprised at how many female 2520′s will jump on a bar when they hear something like “Becky” come on in the club. Females as a whole need to stop letting themselves be degraded by men. That goes for every race. Even Latino women deal with men and their “Machismo”.
Essentially, I’m pro-female, anti male ego-stroking.
@ChaoticDiva, I don’t necessarily agree that they are misinformed or undereducated or have low self esteem. I think that maybe these women just tend to embrace the “alternate” definition of bitch to mean powerful and assertive when it’s a situation that suits them, but just like they run out on the dance floor and shake their ass to the song, they are ready to cut a guy if they call them that to their face. How can I expect a man to respect me if I don’t show respect for myself? I set the standard. The way I carry myself is going to determine the way he treats me.
@ChaoticDiva, In 100% agreement with you.
Well I hope more than 2 women reply cuz this topic is akin to when black women (of hip hop age) are asked about the use of the word in songs and how can they dance to it, play it in their rides and ipods etc?
Their universal reply was “he aint talking about me” so to me this is where it really boils down to. Some black women when given a chance like black men lower themselves exclusively in order to fit in. I tape clubs in Brooklyn its amazin to see all the women flood the floor on “all my my fly indy women with the wettest pu$$ies show me what you got” and then there are the songs which are to the point. “Bend over”, “I am fucking you”, the whisper song and etc and yes there are sexually simulated dances now to go with all of this nonsense. Funny I know most men who really dont like those songs but women go nuts, what is it with women totally contradicting their whole position by engaging in songs with themes that basically say “nevermind your intelligence or abilities and skills, suck it and then bend over and let me get my man on”.
I want to know how all of this works so ladies how do you rationalize this behavior?
@temps, I can’t tell you how it works for everyone, but I can tell you how it works for me. I KNOW who I am. I know how I carry myself. And I can count on one hand the amount of times a man (or woman) for that matter has called me a bitch or any disrespectful epithet to my face. A song, written by a man (or woman) who doesn’t know me can’t take that away. Nor can the fact that I am entertained by some raw and often inappropriate music. It’s music. Makes me laugh. Makes me dance. Makes me bob my head. Doesn’t make me who I am.
@Robin Monique, well then you must know my moms and her age group (Oprah an nem) totally dont “see” how you can dance to “put my d!ck in ya mouf” or “let me fcuk you” doing so while possibly dressed provocatively. Its the do as I say not as I do thing and doesn it change my perception of a woman-it does add intrigue. You getting real sultry with on teh dance floor the dance today are basically sex with clothes on-at that point I aint thinking about how smart and resourceful you maybe I am thinking about sex. Lets not be naive our parents din not listen/watch entertainment in which damn near every song/video is sexually charged. And it shows in how our relationships are. I have given up trying to figure out why some “good girl” like the stuff but then want to call me out on other sexist acts but never touches the music and videos…and how do you explain this to the 15 yr old girl obsessed with make up-tight clothes and showing off everything and of course practicing all those sexually suggestive dance moves how do you reconcile this? Do Oprah and nem have a valid point-in that its a bit naive to assume men see women react to “all my ladies that give good head hit the dance floor” and yet we DONT use that to OUR advantage?
@temps, Again, I have never, in my 26 years on this earth had any man make ANY assumptions about my character based upon the 4 to 5 hours a week I may spend dancing to lewd music. Not once, not ever has a man walked up to me and said “Hey I saw you over there dancing to Ying Yang Twins. You wanna give me some head?” As far as my childhood is concerned, I watched whatever I wanted but my mother RAISED me. Which meant that I no matter what I saw on TV, I KNEW right from wrong. At 16, I was a straight A student and a virgin who could quote Lil Kim verbatim. So I can’t speak for all women. Nor can I speak to what goes on in households today where parents can’t seem to raise their children to understand entertainment vs. real life.
@temps, In 100% agreement with you too.
I am trying to remove all forms of negative speech from my vocabulary. Nigga…Bitch… etc. I recognize it’s not a good look and coming up with reasons to the contrary is just making.. excuses…
@JG*, I wholeheartedly agree.
This is an old argument. Almost parallel with the “nigger/nigga” discussions. Unfortunately, these words don’t create the condition. Mentality does. Now in that context, how many successful, powerful, upwardly mobile Women (of any ethnicity) DO NOT have to be bitches to wrestle their respect from the old white men that coined the term? These old white men create the “mainstream” based on projected profits. Some of those profits are hinged on emotional trickery. Leave Hip Hop out of this because the same old white men run that too. You business women do understand contracts right? they are binding and LIMITING. That means if I have to sell drugs, shoot black people and call you a bitch to fulfill my contractual agreements, then I will or I will see the judge. Judges send those black men, you call dogs without batting a fake eyelash, straight to jail or award custody + monies to the baby mother without ever considering whether she’s a bitch. Dude going to jail is not going to refer to you as Miss.
I don’t condone the term. It, like most profanity, is compensation for lack of diction or the result of inarticulation. However, sometimes it is fitting. Beyond anything, its just a word. Doesn’t affect your job status, bank account, car note or anything else you measure yourself by.
Question. Would you rather someone consider you a bitch and strategize against as such, all the while calling you ma’am or would you rather the truth of the moment? As a black man, often considered a nigger by my white counterparts (and some corporate black women), I prefer the truth whenever I can get it. Even if it’s not how I feel. Peace.
@Donald Wooten II, Men don’t sign those contracts under duress. They weren’t FORCED to agree to those terms and conditions so don’t blame the 2520. Everyone has a choice. Plus, it’s only mainstream if we buy into it. If we stop listening to the music, music doesn’t sell, 2520s don’t profit and will quickly tell your black behind to try something else. So sorry, but I don’t buy that theory AT ALL.
@The Lioness, Agreed.
My mama is adamantly against the word bitch and she raised my sisters and I to be the same way. She always said “a bitch is a female dog. When bitches are in heat, any ole mutt can come up and get some”. Sorry, that is something that I wouldn’t want to be affiliated with.
@Ash Elle Aye, Your mama spoke the truth.
Meredith. Brooks. A white woman who decided that “bitch” was just one part of her womanly identity and made a rather catchy, karaoke friendly song to that effect. I call myself a bitch, just like I call myself a nerd. I won’t let it be insulting. I’m bitchy, vibrant and adorkable
@Shannon Johnson, I remember that song. And yes, I recall that I thought it was pretty dope too.
*sigh*…yall take so much so seriously. I dont care who calls who what and why. Nigga and bitch have been turned around to become terms of endearment for various reasons. Who the hell cares if that group calls their girls bitches/boys niggas and another doesn’t. That is THEIR BUSINESS. If they mean it nice and their peeps understand it..then let them be. And im mad you took it there. As Robin Monique says, “They” call eachother bitch too, again, WHO THE HELL CARES. Who CARES what any other culture says/does in comparison. The fact is, we are different and other cultures try to mimic and emulate us all the time. We focus too much on the wrong thing. Me saying my girl is “my bitch” or joking w my boy “nigga please” shouldn’t be any of your concern. Nor are my friends ignorant, lower class, undeducated. When people say that it sounds like you are trying to find yet another way to show you are better than someone else. We need to stop DOING THAT in the community. Trying to show how we are different from “those blacks” because “I dont do what they do”. BS. Stop tearing eachother down with unimportant nonsense and focus on the things that really matter, like how so many of us have superiority complex. BOOOOOO BITCHES
@true2me, It has NOTHING to do with being “better than someone else” and EVERYTHING to do with respect. If YOU are cool with calling yourself and your friends/loved one n—–s and b—–s, that’s your business. But as for those of us who choose NOT to use those words, don’t downplay why we don’t use it and try to say that we think we’re “better than someone else”. That’s complete and utter bullshit.
bitch is a word that when said in the right inflection means different things in my circle of friends. friends I’ve had since middle school and college. “biiiiiitch!” when somebody says something that shocks you is one instance. like “I can’t believe you!” I don’t know if I’m explaining it to make sense–its better heard, but I’ve been using it for well over a decade, not about to stop now. I know everyone doesn’t appreciate these things so of course I wouldn’t speak to just anybody that way. When I call a woman a bitch in a negative way, or a dude a “bitch” to mean punk, it makes sense to me too. eh. works for me.
@Reecie, I understand what you are saying. The situation itself was a bitch but it’s not always directed at a person. That’s fine. And there are some bitches in this world- let’s not pretend there aren’t. I’m just saying that I would not intentionally label myself as such or use it as a term to empower myself.
I recognize the n-word-like tendencies of the word bitch but I still can’t stand to be called it. I understand that women have tried to take the word and flip it into something powerful and motivational but I just can’t get with it. I still won’t answer to it. So you’re not in the minority (well maybe you are) but the point is I’m with you!
@Michelle Huxtable, Exactly.
im a nerd too, sometimes bitchy, mean girl..all that..SO WHAT. Im also condiderate, outgoing and friendly. WHO CARES
@true2me, I have to admit, that song is very empowering. I like it.
Okay …. here’s my thing about “bitch” … In my opinion somewhat contradictory opinion on this and the N-word, I believe these words only hold can have a powerful impact. They can open the door for other disrespectful terms to be used towards me or anyone else.
BUT … I call my sister a “heifer/heffa” ALL of the time and mean no offense by it. IF I think about it, they’re both equally offensive, we are not female dogs or young cows.
If we start vilifying ALL potentially offensive words the way we do the N-word, we give them more power. It’s just a word, until it becomes an insult. THEN we should all handle it appropriately.
But like we call a spade a spade, let’s call a bitch what it really is “a female dog.”
I knew if i kept reading you would make my point for me. Men are refered to as dogs all the time. Whats up dog. (DMX) WHERE MY DOGS @ rffrfff… women refer to men as Dogs… He’s a dog girl he aint right… so to say that a women cant be called a dog is ridiculous… bitch shut up… you can call me a full bred german shepard all day… now if you call me a dirty mutt now thats derogatory… so if i say you dirty half bred bitch… then yea be mad… but if i just say bitch you get to decide what kinda dog you are… sexy french poodle or gangly street mutt… but for todays lesson you can be Lady and i’ll be tramp. to all my DOGs and all my Bitches peace out….
@DAME, Yeah women call men dogs and mean it as an insult. Which is what it is. Men call each other dogs and mean it as a term of endearment. It’s kind of like that “I can talk about her because she’s my sister, but don’t you dare talk about her.” What kind of contradicting/double standard setting nonsense is that?
And I didn’t say that women can’t be called bitches- some women are in the true sense of the word. What I am saying is that I don’t find the term empowering nor would I label myself as such nor would I respond positively toward it if called it by somebody else. So I really don’t see where your point was made. Frankly, I don’t even see your point.
The thing is, most women don’t know how to love themselves, so they embrace “titles” as a way to feel valuable. Maybe they feel like this is the only way they will get attention in a world full of boys masquerading as men. It’s not entirely the woman’s fault. There was a time where if a man didn’t take his hat off when a woman walked by him on the street he was somewhat ostracized. It’s like Dave Chappelle said, “The stock of p***** is plummeting since you’ve flooded the market with it.” Look at how many young girls are having babies out of wedlock and we condone it by giving them baby showers and congratulating them. Look at how these girls and women dress yet if a man approaches them in a sexual fashion since they are dressed in a sexual fashion. Personally I HATE all the songs like: “Becky” “5 Star Bitch” “Ice Cream Paint Job” it’s all nonsense. It’s simple men need to know who they are and be that person, and women need to do the same. Respect each other, act maturely and I believe these problems will cease.
- JioVanni
I honestly feel like we are kicking a dead house with this argument.. Like someone said earlier, we give words power and with that power you do what you want with it. I personally don’t get offended when someone calls me a bitch. Just like everyone else, I’m guilty of using it, but when I did it wasn’t said in a positive spirit..it was an insult. Even though it doesn’t offend me, that does not mean I don’t mind being called a bitch. I do. But I am a true believer that people give words like nigga and bitch power…
@sdotcolette, so honestly speaking if I saw you didnt know you and said “damn thats a fine bitch right there” you cool with it? Or what if I never used “women” but only bitch to describe ALL women from your grandma to the First Lady…your thoughts?
@sdotcolette, Well if it doesn’t offend you then why don’t you mind being called it?
This only proves that YOUNG BLACK WOMEN need to go check the OLDER BLACK WOMEN who feel its ALL (black and rappers) mens fault for this. I am tired of hearing of the things we do as “wrong” but clearly some women on this blog see no problem with it, thats perhaps why none of my boys have stopped using the word there are enough women yes black that are cool with it.
Then whats the older women issue in you younger womens opinion, why do they feel so disrespected by the word? I have always said that the Maya Angelou crowd is mad perhaps at themselves and their daughters. Heck I can stop sayin bitch yet only to see home girl in the fancy corp bldg in her business skirt start callin all her friends “my bitches”- it makes my attempt at “respect” seem silly.
@temps, That beef is completely generational. Ask Oprah’s generation how their parents felt about them singing to Rick James, wearing their hot pants , embracing “free love” and laughing at Redd Foxx and Richard Pryor’s dirty jokes. There is ALWAYS going to be an objection of the older generation to the ways of the younger generation.
@temps, To be clear, I’m not blaming just the men. Men want women. Period. If women didn’t put up with it, men would stop because men will do what they need to do to get a woman. That’s why clubs let ladies in free because we will bring the men. We run it. We set the standard. So, it’s not just the guys’ fault for using the word, but ours for not speaking out against it. Now from what I gather from this post some women don’t find offense to the word, but I’m sure those same women would be pulling off her earrings if some chick walked up to her and called her a dirty b*tch or if a dude called her a low-rent b*tch, or whatever else.
@The Lioness, To be clear, you put the words “dirty” or “low rent” in front of ANY word referencing me and I’m going to go off. You could put those words in front of the name on my birth certificate and I’d have an attitude. So in this example, it’s not about the word “bitch” but the words you’re putting before iy.
@Robin Monique, Yeah you may have an issue with it but the word bitch behind it is going to amplify your response more than saying oh she’s a dirty girl, she’s a dirty woman, etc, and you know it’s true. And let’s say a dude (referring to you) says look at that bitch over there in the corner- is that ok by you? Let’s say a white guy says the same thing about you- is that ok? Probably not.
@The Lioness, Let’s a white guy says what? “Look at that bitch over there?” My reaction would be no different than if a black man said “Look at that bitch over there.” It would all depend on the context. Either way, I’m not going to jump up and yell and cause a fuss over a word.
@Robin Monique, I think we are starting to stray away from what the real meaning of my post is and the real meaning is that I find the word to be offensive. I find that women will tend to embrace it based on the “context” of the situation but it can be used in a way that offends women so why embrace it all? And you have to in some way feel offended or slighted by the term, otherwise as you stated in your earlier comment, you wouldn’t restrict your usage of the word in front of men.
@The Lioness, Again, I’d be offended or slighted by any term that was used toward me in a derogatory fashion. And when it’s used as an insult, I’d treat it like any other statement I didn’t like. Just keep it moving. I restrict my usage of the word because I acknowledge that it, like the N word, comes with a great deal of controversy and I’d rather not have to constantly explain how/why I use it.
@Robin Monique, Ok I think I understand what you are saying. I can call you a bitch as long as I mean it in a “good” way. Ummm yeah…….Hell to each her own.
I think to sum it up, like the word Nigga…. people feel differently about it. It makes me sad, but what can I do about it but walk by example? I mean in the sense that Bitch typically means a bad thing, I think usage of the word in that way is whatever. However, like I said I’m trying to remove negativity from my vocabulary period. Whether used for good or bad. But my only issue is What Next?
People going to go around using the P***Y word like it’s a term of endearment? What new vulgar word are we going to put on ourselves?
@JG*, forget someone just randomly saying the word to you what I am about is what if the word “WOMAN” is replace say 70% of the time with bitch. Ok so say its like this “yea this bitch i just met is mad sexy” or upon seeing a old women and saying “why this old bitch walking so slow” what about several teen boys seeing some women on the street and they say: “yo that bitch is mad thick, she better than them liteskin bitches over there” or how about “this corporate bitch on wall st is mad nice with her tax game is this cool yall?
@temps, I already said I’m not down with that. I just think we need to stop with this whole “i’mma take this word, and make it negative because I said so.”
Like what if someone called you a “whore” and then said “but I mean it in a good way”…..ummmm no.
@JG*, I meant “make it positive*” my bad. LOLOL
Jim asked him once. She turned to her work. Oh God, its so hard! Vails story in the newspapers. The value of Rearden Metal is beside the point? No principles have ever had any effect on society. They are greedy, selfindulgent, predatory dollarchasers who— It is not a combination of interests one encounters nowadays.