There’s a film called Little Children that came out some time in 2006. Although I’ve never seen the movie I do remember this one particular quote about cheating from the trailer that always stuck with me.
During the course of a conversation, between two female characters, one confesses to cheating on her husband and explains her reasoning for it: “It’s not the cheating. It’s the hunger—the hunger for an alternative and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness.”
Wow!
As a writer, I just love the way the screenwriter(s) phrased that. Far be it for me to condone adultery (there’s way too many STDs/STIs—and something called morals—out there for that) but I feel like he/they perfectly encapsulated the rationale of a cheater. Sure, there are those who dip on their lover for purely selfish reasons but the “refusal to accept a life of unhappiness?”
What are you supposed to say to that?
Well, I’d probably say, “If you ain’t happy then why are you with me?” But it’s not that uncommon for someone to stay in a bad relationship for a plethora of reasons ranging from the kids and security to lack of self-worth and plain ol’ comfort. Whatever the case, cheating sucks for all parties.
The cheater has to deal with the guilt (hopefully) of leading a double life and hurting his/her partner, while the unsuspecting mate is faced with the cold hard truth that something is lacking in their relationship or they longer make their lover “happy.”
Just as the quote from Little Children illustrates, that’s more than likely the reason for a woman’s infidelity. While both sexes experience physical attraction and desires, women are typically more prone to cheating for emotional reasons, while men’s fornication follies tend to revolve around lust.
Someone recently forwarded me a link to a segment of CBS’s The Early Show called “Men Behaving Badly: Why Men Stray” that featured two relationship experts. The first was M. Gary Newman who authored The Truth About Cheating, and the other was Matt Titus a relationship coach/reformed cheater.
Right off the bat host Julie Chen asked Titus why he cheated. His response: “I was physically attracted to another woman and I let that rule my life. I wasn’t a forward-thinking male. I was led by my instinctive behavior. I didn’t think about the repercussions of my actions.”
Sounds about right to me. Anytime I’ve gotten caught out there doing something I shouldn’t have it was because I wasn’t thinking clearly. “The hunger for an alternative” clouded my judgment and I found myself regretting my actions.
Titus goes on to recall a time where he was on his way to his girlfriend’s house when he got into a motorcycle accident that almost took his life. He woke up right before going into the CatScan machine and grabbed the technician and said, “Buddy, my wife is probably in the waiting room and my girlfriend’s on the way, please call my girlfriend and tell her not to come… That’s a low point in my life”
Newman has a totally different understanding of why men cheat. He actually says the No. 1 reason is due to, “an emotional disconnect at home. It’s not blaming the wife at all it’s just saying that they find in the mistress things that they unfortunately don’t find at home and they’re not emotionally articulate and verbal like we’d hope they would be so they will not tell you that they need the appreciation, they need the admiration, that they’re far more insecure then they’d like you to know.”
Contrary to popular belief (and mine as well), Newman found that 88-percent of men in his study said that the cheating was not about sex. They admitted that the mistress was not better looking or in better shape than their wife… it wasn’t about sex but the emotional disconnect that wasn’t served up at home.
Other key factors for male cheating in Newman’s book are infrequency of sex (you don’t have to be a super freak but regular passion helps) and cheating friends (birds of a feather flock together).
The closing advice from Titus hits home the hardest. “Kids, job, the stress of having a relationship will take away from the intimacy that actually started the relationship…. Make the marriage one long first date.”
Do you think there’s a difference between why men and women cheat? Have you ever cheated or been cheated on? Were the reasons for the infidelity based on emotional comfort of physical? Do you think that having a friend that cheats is likely to influence someone to do the same? Is there any scenario where you would stay in a relationship with someone who cheated on you? Which form of cheating hurts more, emotional or physical?
Speak your piece…
Article by Naked with Socks On
Naked with Socks ON is what I like to call a “life blog,” where people come to discuss everything from sex and relationships to music and movies to politics and technology. It’s an open forum for discussions about a wide array of topics that people from all walks of life can appreciate and relate to. As for the name, I decided on NakedWithSocksOn (or NWSO) because it’s symbolic of how I write. I reveal everything while still leaving something to the imagination. Ask me a question and I will give you an answer. It will be honest. It will come from the heart. It may embarrass me. At times, it will be painful for me to share. But I will sacrifice bits of myself to impart knowledge on my fellow man and for the sake of telling a damn good story. So that’s why I am NakedWithSocksOn. Check out more at http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/
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{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
I will answer this with this saying: “when staring down the barrel of gun does it matter if its a cop or a thug holding the gun” so men and women may cheat for different reason but the results are the same and there is no mare “valid” reason for either sex to cheat. Greed , ego, and self inflated sense of importance is the reason we cheat, after all if the relation you in aint working out SO WHAT thats your man or women leave or work it out.
Yeah, I think there’s a lil difference between women and men cheat. I think both men and women cheat out of curiosity and also (believe it or not) Attention. The common misconception is that women enjoy the attention more than men and that women are more insecure than men which is a lie (Men are more insecure). Men enjoy the attention from females that are interested in them, for 1 it boosts the ego and also boosts their confidence. Though depending on how the woman looks, men may entertain the attention. If the woman is attractive and shows more interest in the guy, there’s a good chance that he would cheat. I think it for most guys it has nothing to do with an emotional feeling, their just curious why this girl is interested in me and yea wanna knock it out to see what it is about. When men cheat on women that are less attractive its more likely just for a “Nut” or to fulfill a fantasy that their chick wont do, I don’t think its necessarily to hurt someone but I guess there’s something we probably will never know. I think women cheat is a little more emotional side, women love attention they live for it! lol. Often times women cheat because of whats going on in the relationship, maybe things are not good, there looking for something new, or just curious why a guy is interested in them. I noticed that women are more prone to make excuses of why they cheated, normally its something that the guy didn’t do or the guy they’re with didn’t make them feel special (blah blah). I honestly think the only women that can have sex without an emotional attachment are hoes and prostitutes. Cheating is Cheating regardless of emotional or physical… Its all the power of mind and the choices the person makes. The last couple of questions are a give and take just depends if u are in a relationship and how much you love that person. But let me say this the more Communication between each other the less chances of someone cheating in the relationship and if you are not ready to commit to a relationship then simply don’t do it…
And I know people will ask me.. No I have never cheated in a relationship. But I have been cheated on and its not a good feeling, so I wouldn’t want someone to go through it.
@Nice Guy,
” I honestly think the only women that can have sex without an emotional attachment are hoes and prostitutes” Seriously?! This concept is ridiculous to me. Why do men feel that women are so damn emotionally attached to everything? Please let that nonsense go. What if I women had one cut buddy? You still thinks she’s a hoe? I feel like people (men and women) don’t know how to handle things when they’re out of the “norm.” If men fuck willy nilly, people say it’s ok. Not all women have the need to be tied down. Many women don’t have time for love or to work on a relationship because they have bigger and better things to strive for.
@prettybutnot, Once again my opinion calm down, and I think women are very emotional, some guys are too. To be honest a guy don’t see a girl as just a cut buddy…. shes the jumpoff that when he can get his he knows where to go… And might I ask wat are the bigger and better things? And how do u know the person you’ve been “cut buddies” with isn’t messing around with another chick? (You know a dude is not gonna keep faithful to a jumpoff) and if it does happen, and when u find out…you will be mad, hence emotions….
hmmm…. cheating…. I think people cheat for several reasons. i have a friend that said to me, it has noting to do with my girl, i just wanna see how another girl ass bounce. wow right? i know. But addiction to variety is a reality. another reason for cheating might be to get somewhere, you work at the office, need a promotion, cheat with the regional manager right quick. more money, you and your partner are happy. emotionally, i know a guy that said he missed his girl so much while he was out of town for 4 months that he had a friend that he sexed as if she was her. seeing his girl but sexing a random female. i’m like wow. Some people even do it simply for the adrenaline rush… how do i feel about cheating? i say don’t give it to em if you cant deal with what comes with it. cheating is a risk that can lead to so much more than you bargained for. and if you really like what you have, stay away from it. 30 mins of sex can change your life… Iknowital
During the course of a conversation, between two female characters, one confesses to cheating on her husband and explains her reasoning for it: “It’s not the cheating. It’s the hunger—the hunger for an alternative and the refusal to accept a life of unhappiness.”
This actually was in reference to the book, Madame Bovary. she did not confess to the woman that she cheated on her husband, not overtly anyway. They were at a book club and the one judgmental woman said she didnt understand how madame bovary could treat her husband like that. And then Kate Winslet (the actress playing the cheater) explained her take on Madame Bovary’s behavior which obviously reflected her own. However, she never actually admitted to cheating on her husband.