When Did Trust Become Dumb?

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I must have missed a memo or two along the way. It seems today that women who choose to trust men who are seen as ‘undeserving’ of them are considered to be making a stupid decision. You know, if he’s a player, you’re an idiot to fall for him. If he’s lied before, you’re foolish to ever believe him again. If he’s slipped in any way, it’s only a daft woman who’d allow him a chance to do it once more.

Usually it’s your girlfriends that are quick to point this out to you, to highlight the flaws in your man lest you make the regrettable decision to give him your trust. His background will be heavily scrutinized, his sexual resume considered and dissected and the doubts about him aired and discussed. As it should be.

Trust is a gift. It should be given carefully, and to those are deemed fit to receive it. What confuses me to no end is when a woman decides to trust someone that other people consider untrustworthy, and she gets backlash from them. Suddenly, her judgment and rationality are called into question, and people may even develop contempt towards her for making a choice that they consider to be foolish.

For example, my sister’s with a man who has a history of promiscuity and partying. He’s settled down into a loving monogamous relationship with her, but she was warned by a friend not to trust him because he would eventually screw her over. I understand her friend’s point of view, no one wants to see a friend go through something painful, but my sister’s refusal to comply with her friend’s suggestion of breaking up right there and then did not go down well. The friend simply could not say anything good about him, and my sister had to ask her to say nothing instead.The concept that the man might have changed and would actually treat her right was something her friend could not wrap her mind around.

Here’s the rub. If you know someone who is choosing to trust another who you don’t think deserves it, realize that it’s their decision. You may not agree with it, but in a relationship, the two people who know the most about it are the those two involved, and they are the best people to decide whether or not to trust each other. Yet we have the attitude that anyone who disregards clear warning signs and goes for it anyway is an idiot.

Which brings me to my question- when did trusting someone become a stupid thing to do? To trust someone, to give them a chance to prove themselves, especially if they don’t deserve it, that is a good thing. It should be commended, instead of laughed at. When you take back a partner who lied/cheated/hurt you, you are being brave, not a fool. It takes courage to make yourself vulnerable, and even if you’re proved wrong, so what? You can keep your chin up, knowing that the fault didn’t come from you and that you were generous enough to trust easily.

A lot of people do everything to avoid getting hurt in relationships, and if you’re not running from pain, then you’re apparently a moron (?). If your stance is to never get hurt and never give anyone a chance to hurt you, fine. But to consider those who don’t evade potential pain dumb or foolish is just plain silly. In my opinion, pain is inevitable. Even those who love you unconditionally will probably cause you pain (children, anyone?) at some point in life. To spend life running from pain is a waste of time to me. We’re raised to believe that pain is unnatural and to be avoided at all costs, but we’d be better off learning how to cope with it when it does show up. Pain might be inevitable, but we are strong enough to get through it, and time truly does make it better. I’ve never regretted the decisions in my life to trust people who ended up hurting me, I learned valuable life lessons and always came out the better for it.

A former friend noted (with a touch of contempt) that I let my heart lead me, instead of my head.

With great risk comes great reward. Don’t look down on those who are taking more chances, trusting more, running greater risks. True, they might get burned, but then again, they might find everything they ever wanted and more. There are no guarantees in life, so pretty much everything is a gamble anyway. Even marriage, the holy grail of monogamy, is no assurance that trust or hearts won’t be broken. Chew on that

Did you ever trust someone who others doubted? How did it work out? Do you evade potential heartbreak or accept the risks and go for it anyway? What do you think of people who follow their hearts instead of their heads?

Tagged as: Love & Relationships, trust

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I'm a Nigerian and Malaysian writer, a supporter of free love and orange Tic-Tacs. I try to change the world one self-esteem point at a time.I'm also part of the duo that runs the natural hair fiesta known as Leave In The Kinks (www.leaveinthekinks.blogspot.com), and I let my crazy hang out over at Purple Lace Gloves (www.purplelacegloves.blogspot.com).twitter.com/PurpleLaceZ

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