Author’s Disclaimer: This article is not intended to speak ill of a young man who lost his life early today, nor the young woman he was with at the time. It does however serve as an opportunity to discuss the health of relationships between young men and women of color.
NFL player Chris Henry, 26 years old, died early this morning from severe head injuries after falling from the bed of a moving truck yesterday afternoon.
Henry reportedly jumped into the back of the truck when his fiancé, 25 year old Loleini Tonga left her parent’s home in North Carolina after she and Henry got into a “domestic dispute.” Police did not see any visible injuries to Tonga.
One 911 caller told police a man was banging on the back window of the truck, shirtless, his arm in a cast (he broke it in November).
Minutes later, another call to 911 reported what appeared to be a dead man in the street.
TMZ reports that just hours before the truck incident, Tonga was on her MySpace page “bragging” about her engagement to Henry:
“put deposIt down 4 weDDing piCs… Paid 4 ouR riNgs.”
News of Chris Henry’s death- and the circumstances around it, has inspired an exacerbated response by the public- particularly African Americans. Comments news articles, Twitter and Facebook show that many people feel Henry’s death of senseless, borderline stupid- and that “drama” is to blame.
Though none of us really knows Henry or Tonga, or what their relationship was like- the information to date would suggest people are right- drama strikes again.
As a relationship counselor, I see it all the time- relationships between men and women (of all races, but right now we’re just talking about Black people/people of color) that thrive off drama- not love. These relationships either come to messy ends, or they last for many years, or they last forever- it depends on the people in it.
The emotions around “drama” can be addicting- they provide a type of emotional high- and also an emotional low, which people actually, truly become addicted to.
Chris Brown and RiRi- drama addiction.
Bobby and Whitney- drama addiction.
Some people get it in their heads that a relationship must have drama- that it’s not real without it- people actually think that drama is good for a relationship. Some people also mistake drama for “passion.”
Total crap. Drama is not passion and drama is never good in a relationship. While Tonga and Henry were young, drama happens in relationships of all ages, young and old. That said, age and maturity does have a lot to do with how a person handles drama when it comes their way.
In relationships we attract reflections of ourselves – so if “blame” falls in this situation, it falls equally on both- she stomped out and drove off mad- he jumped in the bed of the truck, she didn’t stop the car, he stoked the adrenaline by screaming at her and banging on the window, and so on, and so on, and so on.
They were feeding off of each other’s need for drama. Clearly one was not more mature than the other because no one was level headed enough to stop and think for a moment- to take a wise, responsible step.
A mature man knows, even when he woman is saying “it’s over, I’m leaving you,” that chasing her down is not the smarter move. A mature man knows when a woman is so upset that she can’t rationally hear anything he has to say.
A mature woman knows when a situation has gotten out of control. A mature woman knows when to set herself aside and act in the best interest of both parties.
Mature men and women love and care about each other enough to take a time out from a disagreement and “get centered” again.
When drama takes over, it’s like a California wildfire, consuming everything in it’s path. Each time a couple strikes the drama match, the burn pattern eats away more rationality than before, escalating the danger.
Now a young man is dead. And for what?
Personally, I’m disgusted by this sad situation, but I hope it serves as a reminder to all of us, when we see drama in our midst, take that guy or gal aside and give them a bit of relationship wisdom.
Chris Henry is gone now- he’ll never marry, never play football again, and never celebrate another holiday season with family.
And for what? Drama.
Article by Courting Olivia
Private Relationship and Sex Counselor Olivia Courting tackles every day issues impacting the quality of relationships and sex, particularly for couples of color. She is also a writer and editor of Erotica. Her new public blog can be found at http://courtingolivia.wordpress.com/
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this blog was so well written that there’s really nothing to add except for kudos.
you really hit the nail on the head regarding drama and maturity. so often we see people that are not ready for mature relationships try and take them on and they lead to hurt, pain, and in this case, death. it’s really sad. really very sad…
@ladebelle, I agree!
Yeah man the Drama has to cease!
Dope piece! Agreed on all fronts. Chris Henry’s death seems so nonsensical, considering it was such a freak accident. I hope folks learn to step outside of themselves, look into their relationships and know when drama has drowned whatever love is between them.
@Luvvie, Agreed.
I’m so happy to see someone addressing the root of all the foolishness that goes on in some of these high profile relationships… It displays unhealthy behavior.. and now because of rash behavior.. a young man is dead, children are fatherless, and a bride to be is mourning over her groom… Needless to say whatever the dispute was about…. has lost its validity. It is crucial that sound judgement be a permanent assesory to prevent discord in the future..
Very well-written. This is a very sad situation…very unfortunate.
let us resolve to make 2010 a drama free year
Lack of coping skills, stunted emotional maturity, failure to transmit the male code, epidemic levels of bi-polarism have become a plague upon the black community. If our young people cannot resolve conflicts as they arise then they begin to collect an insidious emotional back pressure that is often only relieved when they “go off,” a common enough term among us.
Emotions provide the color of life and allow us to experience the good as well as the bad times but they are our most unreliable tools in coping with the ups and downs of life. At some point the head has to kick in to put a lid on emotions or our emotions will launch our bodies through space, usually with a bad result. This is no small matter as high emotions trigger the human fight or flight response, the body is filled with adrenalin and intellectual input is muffled as the body is wired to go into action. It takes fully 20 minutes for this automatic response to return from emergency status, otherwise a fight or flight is inevitable. This is how we’re put together, how we’re hardwired and our young people know nothing about this, nothing about the things you tell yourself to prevent this reaction, nothing about the information from the bible and other sources that give us something to fall back on and not be ruled by our emotions. Because of this, we bury our young people daily, dead from needless conflicts. And worse than that, we blame ourselves as a people. I don’t think I have to repeat the things we say about our own people after hearing about such tragedies. We simply MUST fix this or we will not survive.