I know that question seems kind of dumb, and everyone will have a different definition replacing some key elements here and there, but seriously, let’s talk about this. These days as women, particularly black women, are fretting about being independent and yet still single you often hear the phrase “I’m out here looking for a good black man.” This is saying that there’s a pool of black men out there, some are good, but most are bad, therefore this search is often difficult.
I don’t like that.
I especially don’t like that because often times I believe the criteria for “good” is lacking in real substance. I hear these women out there talking about having STANDARDS, and I agree wholeheartedly that one should have them. Hell, I have a pretty strict set of standards as well. My only issue is that half the time these standards have very little to do with what I believe make a relationship thrive. A pretty common concept for black women is having a man that has what they have i.e. a degree, corporate/impressive job, etc. However, nowhere in the rule books does it say that a degree guarantees that he will love you, nowhere in the rule books does it say that his job will keep him from slapping you across the room. The only thing the rule books say in that regard is that crappy people are crappy people regardless of what they have in life. Truth be told, and it pains me to say this, but “having what you have” is going to be harder and harder to find as the gap in education gets wider. That doesn’t necessarily mean the gap in good men is getting wider. Hell I know several people who have degrees and have no job, does that automatically stack them in the evil, undateable, unworthy pile? Not to me at least.
So please, can someone explain to me what this mysterious Good Black Man is all about? People talk about him as if he is a Centaur (no Iota…JOKES!), or a unicorn, or the lochness monster. People swear that the only ones that exist are snatched up by white women, or men with Prada shoes. This makes me laugh because I look around my circle of friends and I see PLENTY of Great Black Men. We’re in our twenties so many of them don’t have that first million in the bank. Chances are many of them never will only because that’s just the way the cookie crumbles. Sure we all want to be millionaires but the world aint big enough for all of us. But these men are great. Perfect? Of course not. However they have vision, goals, plans, put in hard work for the people they love, and they are just generally great to be around. Yet and still, while being their friend I’ve seen many a woman abuse what they had to offer, or leave them high and dry for that “greener grass” that amounted to nothing more than a financial upgrade.
Now I’m painting with a broad brush here but it seems that when women are looking for a “Good Black Man” what they are really wanting to see is his resume, not his character. Good School? Check. Good Job? Check. Own Property? Check. Check Check Check. Meanwhile overlooking the fact that he aint about a dang thing. I’m not saying these things aren’t great, but they can’t be the sole factors we consider. I’ve seen people fall for the above things without even considering the rest.
Sure I understand that you want security, but what if a man could provide that without a degree? Or without the pretty job? Would those things still matter? For the super-duper independent woman that laments how much she’s got her own and she doesn’t care what he’s talking, does it matter to you his pedigree? Since you have all that you could desire minus the man, it would seem to me that all you would be looking for is a man of the highest quality character regardless of what he owns. Yet and still, sometimes it’s these highly paid, highly successful, Benz driving women, that are out there boo-hooing because they can’t find a man that’s more successful, more paid, and driving a Benz and a Rover because that’s what they deserve for amassing their riches. It’s funny because you will see a million dollar man with a five dollar woman. This always shocks and astonishes women. “Why is he with her?”…. maybe because he likes her for more than her bank account or her accolades.
I’m just going to be honest with you. I’ve never concerned myself with these things, and I think it’s paid off. One of the men I dated in the past had little to nothing in terms of net worth. Had a degree, but barely had a job, didn’t have a flashy car, or a swanky spot, but I completely only saw him. While he and I didn’t work out, I can fast forward to now and see that he’s very successful, and doing quite well for himself. He just needed time. When it comes to relationships, I’ve always been pretty lucky to find someone that, if the bottom fell out, we would be okay. Clearly they didn’t always work out, but the material stuff was never an issue — yet we were always okay. I can say my current Gentleman Situation is the same. Should the flashing lights disappear we would still be kickin. To me that’s what’s most important. Remember things can be here today, gone tomorrow. So when defining that “Good Black Man” look a little bit deeper. Also, chances are you walk past him every single day, put a smile on your face, maybe he’ll stop. Open your eyes a little bit, and maybe he’ll stay.
Article by Jennifer Garrett
JG* is a small-town turned big-city blogger who once wrote the random yet ever-creative look into the life of a girl entering the Quarterlife. These days as she prepares for her MBA program at The Ohio State University she's turned into quite the "Susie The Riveter." Working with teens by day, cooking delicious meals at night. Check out her blog showcasing her delicious recipes at http://jgrunsthekitchen.wordpress.com. Follower her on Twitter @JGRunsTheCity
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{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
“Good School? Check. Good Job? Check. Own Property? Check. Check Check Check. Meanwhile overlooking the fact that he aint about a dang thing” This is SO true. I don’t want a man who doesn’t have *anything* (ummm….I don’t need a son), but having an MBA doesn’t automatically make him worthy of my attention. I don’t know exactly what a “good black man” is because I feel like that definition can encompass so many things, but I do know it’s more than what he possesses. Although what he has does in a way show who he is because I admire drive, motivation and ambition in a man — to a fault. Lol.
This is an excellent and very mature post, especially coming from a woman, its usually a man who has to plead his case of character over dollars. I think one of the most valuable assests a man can have is the ability to compliment his woman and the same goes for the woman. A relationship is a partnership. What one requires from a partner could vary so much depending on your own situation. This new age of super independent women have lost site of the value of having a partner becuase African-Americans have created a culture where the man is not needed, or at least they think he is not needed. Women make it through high school, college, and even start very successful careers without significant help from men, so when looking for a life mate the only thing she see’s as valuable is the same things that she has herself(car, career, house,etc). At the end of the day, companionship is important, the ability to love is not only reserved for men with degree’s and Benz’s, and the ability to be a valuable partner does not come with certain income levels. Seems like women’s pride is getting in the way of forming lasting partnerships with black men; couple that with trying to keep up with American image concerns of the perfect Huxtable like marriage where both partners match tick for tack. As long as both partners are willing to make each other better albeit pushing one through school while the other works and pays the bills or the other way around, women don’t need to lower their standards, they need to understand the depth of their own standards…this is a really crucial time, we need more black partnerships, our culture is already slipping out of our grasp, family preserves culture
Good blog. Lemme clear my throat and step on my soapbox… I got into this discussion on another blog, which somehow everyone went in on me for saying that I believed a man should at least have what I have as far as degree, apartment etc. I think they assumed that I was being materialistic and that’s why I was single. But for me, I never specified the car or his career. For someone of my background (the hood), I rarely met too many guys who had a degree, car or any ambition. And those guys I met really thought I was wierd because I loved school, art and culture. And to be honest, I watched many of my family members marry (or just have kids with) people who don’t have a similar education-is-key mindset and it escalates into all sorts of issues. I’m not saying that guys with degrees are perfect (Lord knows they aren’t), but for me it’s a step in the right direction. I’ve heard from guys with degrees and without that what I liked was “stupid.” I’ve met more guys with degrees that I can talk to though. That said…I think a “good black man” is what a woman NEEDS in her life. The guy who loves her, uplifts her and understands her on many levels. For me, it’s the guy with a good education, who likes intelligent convo and has ambition.
BTW uneducated,lower income men are more likely to abuse women.
Let me add that I’m not against wanting a guy with a degree or what have you, like the above commenter stated, I often relate better to those men that are college educated.
But someone shared with me his own side of the story… He was military, and became an entrepreneur and he is doing quite well for himself. He did not go to school. He hates the fact that he can support a woman much like many college educated men can, and he has a good job, working for himself, yet he’s thrown into a pile. Women ask him, “Where did you go to school?” he says that he didn’t, and it’s like he can see them deflate right in front of him.
They don’t even weigh the options.
“BTW uneducated,lower income men are more likely to abuse women.”
ok…. But say he didn’t go to college, but he’s not lower income? Or he’s lower income and he did go to college?
I’m just asking the ladies, to spend as much or more time analyzing a man’s character than his wall of achievement. While those are things he should be proud of, and you should too, it shouldn’t be all to the puzzle. IMO. There are a lot of pieces, just don’t give up because one is missing.
I’m loved by children and animals…how’s that?
I totally agree with this post. Many, if not most, of the women crying about wanting a good Black man wouldn’t know what one is if it he fell on their heads from the sky with a sign on his forehead. There isn’t anything wrong with having standards but there should be substance behind standards. There’s no use in having all the cars and clothes if you’re gonna bitch about not having someone to share it with.
Amen!!! By the way, I found a good black man
Ladies, there is hope. Keep the faith, and be yourself, and the right one will come when you least expect him.
@ChaoticDiva, LOL!! @ “keep the faith”
I represent the good black man women want to take home to mama : degreed, professional, intelligent ambitious, very romantic, no children, never married( no baby mamas’), humorous, well mannered, nice looking, sexually uninhibited, and most important – damn good credit. However, you guessed it – I”m same gender loving (sgl)! Truth be told – most gay brothas represent the good black man women desire..
So why are too many straight brothas not measuring up to SGL brothas? I think straight brothas have lost that long ago shared communal empowerment, encouragement, and motivation; to include the social “fight or flight” survival mechanism. Society’s hatred toward black gay men teach us quickly that we MUST strategize, set goals, establish objectives, and be one step ahead of the straight black guy and two steps ahead of the straight white guy. Once upon a time, the Black straight community possessed these same mechanisms but somehow got lost. Maybe segregation or media is to blame. But the Black community at large is certainly to blame. Best of luck to my straight sistas and brothas! Like you blog; just stumbled across it today.
You got me all excited! Oh well…another bites the dust!
What makes a good Black Man is the same thing that makes a good person.
Honesty, keeps word or at least tries. Doesn’t make excuses. Doesn’t over-extend themselves (financially, emotionally, psychological, time, energy, etc). Get’s along with others. Knows how to pick battles and engages when necessary. Compassionate. Extras for me – recycles, not wasteful, not overly materialistic, listens to NPR, reads regularly, can hold a conversation about historical & current events, and Loved by children and animals…Amadeo wins points in my book. LOL
‘A million dollar man with a five dollar woman…’ – Nuff Said…LOL!
You hit the nail on the head with this one. The sad thing is that it starts as early as college now. There are 19 and 20 year olds talking about how they need a dude with a sports car who can afford to keep their hair and nails done. Full time students don’t have full time jobs because school is a job, so that’s just unrealistic. As a people, I think we’ve been so focused on achieving the material trappings of success that we overlook character development. Love is about growing together and I think many of us have lost sight of that.
{So please, can someone explain to me what this mysterious Good Black Man is all about? People talk about him as if he is a Centaur (no Iota…JOKES!)}
Umm yeah…You walked right into this one…I’m just sayin…LOL