It seems like everyone is weighing in on why Black women are single. I’m starting to think that we are becoming an endangered species of sorts: people need to figure out the causes of our singlehood and what, if anything, can be done to thwart the rates our marriage extinction. Between MSNBC, ABC, and Lord knows who else, I am getting tired of hearing about why I am single, or why I may never get married. There are plenty of 20- and 30- something black women who are single by choice, not because they are searching high and low for something that can’t be found. Here are some of the things I’ve read, heard, or talked about that “explain” why black women are perpetually single:
The Odds Are Against Us
“Highly educated black women have increasingly fewer options when it comes to potential mates,” Brueckner said. “They are less likely than black men to marry outside their race, and, compared to whites and black men, they are least likely to marry a college-educated spouse.” (www.msnbc.com)
With all this good education women are getting, it seems like as we increase our income bracket, we are decreasing the odds that we will get married, or find potential mates. By going into the corporate board rooms, operating rooms, classrooms, or court rooms, we succeed in our professional lives, and concede defeat in our relationships as a result.
Women Don’t Know How to be Women
I was listening to the Luvologist and his guest, Jason, “Six-Nine” Barnes on blogtalkradio one Sunday night, and Mr. Barnes contended that women don’t have or can’t keep men because women no longer know how to “be a women” and allow a man to be a man. He noted that women need to remember the time (RIP MJ) when women would actively work to please their men. He continued that women need to re-learn to be submissive and “take one step back and to the left, and follow” a man’s vision. While I cringed as he said that, I smiled at the idea of having a man with a vision to follow. I disagreed with his misogynistic tone, but I can’t say the brother didn’t have a point or two.
We are too —–
Insert your choice phrase there. Independent. Strong willed. Controlling. Judgmental. Stank. Educated. Mean. Demanding. Bitchy. I’ve heard and read a plethora of ways men describe Black women and deem them undateable. All of the things that Black women “are” seem to turn men away.
We aren’t willing to explore our options.
Read: Men of other races. Men suggest it, and people talk about it all the time. By asking Black women to date men of other races, it seems like people are supporting the idea that “there aren’t enough good black men out there” or suggesting that we should stop trying to date Black men because they are becoming more interested in dating women of other races. Its almost like Black women are judged for wanting to marry Black men. Shame on us for wanting to do such a thing.
To be fair, I think there is some merit in some of the reasons posited. For example, with a certain level of achievement, the line between compromising and settling gets blurry. And I do think that some women believe that educational and professional success makes them automatically deserving of a relationship. However, there is nothing anywhere that says that because you can butterfly stitch the hell out of a surgical incision that you are automatically wifey material.
I’m not saying that all Black women should, should not, or will find compatible mates. Hell, I don’t even know that all Black women want to get married or be in committed relationships. I’m just tired of this generalized conversation that has nothing to do with me. All of the assumptions, one sided statistics, comparisons to what White women are doing, and statements about what is or is not the deal between Black women and Black men is annoying. As it gets me riled up, it also makes me a little sad. Like damn, is all hope really lost?
But maybe its just me. What do you all think about this attention given to Black women’s singleness? Is it warranted? Is this something that should be talked about on news venues? Is there even a problem to be concerned about? Tell me something good.
Feeling like I’m in a Giant Petri Dish,
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{ 8 comments… read them below or add one }
No one talks about how compared to other races the rate of successfully Black men who are unmarried and single is substantially greater. It’s a 2-way street, you know. But there is this perception of the poor Black woman and the triflin Black man. Just another way to say damn, look at those Black people.
I’d also be interested to know of the women, who are single, how many want to be married and also how many are panicking about finding a companion. And just because you’re not married doesn’t mean you’re not in a committed relationship, also how many of those women prefer same-sex partners. I mean once you consider all those things, I really don’t think it’s as bad as some people report.
I’m not panicking yet.
I’m college educated and single by choice. I’ve been asked out several times and dated in my past but I’m focused on my career. I don’t plan on marrying but if God wants me to marry and I feel that in my spirit, I will marry. But right now, I don’t have a desire to marry. I am offended that news report convey that successful black women are desperate trying to find a qualified man. Qualified black men are out there. I’ve met them and they’ve been interested in me. Sometimes two people are compatible, sometimes they aren’t. Sometimes people are meant to be friends or the timing is off. My point is, that some black women are single because they haven’t found the right guy, they are busy or they just don’t want to date; generally speaking, black women aren’t single because black men are the anti-Christ. I feel news reports reflecting that POV are inaccurate.
The media will stop telling black women why they are single, when black women stop lining up to tell the world on National TV, radio, film, magazines, blogs and round table discussions that they are single and how hard it is to find men, because good black men don’t exist!
Rest assured, the white press did not put a gun to the multitudes of black women who make it a point to sully the names of black people by proudly broadcasting how they can’t find a man on their level, never because of them of course might I add. Their reflection of the situation is always outward, and never internal. It’s always the lack of that mythical figure known as the “good black man”.
You want it to stop? It will stop when black women stop participating in their own demise by actively being a part of these “reports”.
As an addendum. The whole black woman single/marriage crisis is always highlighted. You know what is never highlighted? The fact that the percentage of black men who are not married is even higher than the percentage of black women who have never been married. Yet, this crisis is only one-sided affair in the press. Of course, when it comes to black men, it’s not a “crisis”. Show me the report in the mainstream media about black men lamenting about their lack of options? After all, the percentage of lack of marriage is actually higher with black men. There is no report, because no one gives a damn about a black man, unless he can run fast, catch a ball, sing or dance. All these “open” dialogues never have black men in them. Do any black women not notice that?
Check out the facts about marriage in the black community if you care to. Look at the numbers for black men, yet somehow, this is a black woman crisis.
http://www.blackdemographics.com/population.html#anchor_401
If there is one thing I have noticed with people, they never actually look at the facts & hard numbers, everything is centered around emotions.
To reiterate. In all these “marriage” crisis specials with black women lamenting about the lack of good black men and the round table conversations they have. They never want them to give their 2 cents. How can you have an even, open exchange & fair dialogue, when the discussion is only with single women touting their accolades, with a 3 times divorced comedian like Steve Harvey as the “relationship expert”?
Most black men have checked out, not by choice, they are either beaten into submission, excluded in the debate, told they are no good, or just stop caring altogether. They are simply tired of the shaming language.
I hang out with a lot of African & Caribbean people. This is not a black issue. This is solely an African-American & UK issue. African blacks don’t have this marriage crisis issue. It’s interesting to see what happens in their societies. Even more so when African-American sistas talk about not finding a man because they have degrees. Most of these African women have degrees, and I don’t mean liberal arts or some poofy, light weight curriculum. Degrees in the hard sciences & math, JDs etc Yet they still landed men. All of them. It’s almost unheard of for them to be in their 30s and not be married.
I’m just an observer, but it is interesting to see the differences.
You are absolutely correct… and when foreign men come here and see the plight of beautiful black women they are shocked!
averagebro summed up the game perfectly.
It is written that a house divided cannot stand… So it is with black families, black communities and black relationship… There are many reasons why “some” black women are single… Some choose to be single… Others are waiting for Mr. Right… Still others are waiting on Mr. Perfect and then there are those who like many black men no longer have the necessary skills to maintain a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
One of the biggest setbacks for so many women being single is defining what a good man is or isn’t. So many women say they want a good man “but” and there in is the problem, that word but! I want a good man but he has to be tall… I want a good man but he has to work out.. I want a good man but he has to make a certain amount of money… You can’t say that you want unconditional and then add conditions, that is a great hypocrisy as well as contradiction.
Another problem is outside influence. It’s all over the media, portrayed in movies and talked about on talk shows and magazines… You know the saying “a good man is hard to find” or “black women have increasingly fewer options when it comes to potential mates”. While there may be some degree of truth to these statements they are not the be all and tell all. Yet so many black women cater to those believes and wear them as badges of honor.
In the end, whatever the reason why so many black women are single is simple to figure out… Take a deep long look in the mirror and there you will find the answer to all your problems.
Peace
No darling, it is not just you.About the odds being against us for having higher incomes and being educated and professional, they are against us if we are the exact opposite-lower income/broke,uneducated and with a minimum wage job! It’s nice to know we can’t win for losing. We all know women don’t know how to women, but it is telling to me that many of the men saying this appear to have few clues about how to be a damn man-and sometimes not even making the effort to try and bring something to the table. I’m sure we are too independent-but any women that doesn’t know her place, or walk to steps behind the man, or stay bare foot and pregnant-just refuse to remain second class and invisible-is too much and too independent for some people. We aren’t willing to explore our options not only seems like we have to apologize for sticking with black men and that as a group they are a lost cause, it implies that the grass is automatically greener on the outside and that others are automatically better because they are not black by default.Seriously, far be it for me to say that folks should never consider dating outside the race, because I don’t believe that. But the implied myth that all these unions are successful is probably overrated. One, the problems with chauvinism that black men have, others have it too.The divorce rate is rising in other groups too, even with the women having reputations for being somehow better than black women. Couple that with residual racism(from the partner but from both sides) and lookout! I can vouch for the idea of keeping your options open, but I am tired of the idea that black men as a group are a lost cause,black women should feel guilty for dating within the race, the grass is automatically greener on the other side and it is so because the partner is non-white. I frankly think the focus is a bunch of BS because this discussion is yet another potshot in the long list of campaigns about what is wrong in Black America and how it is beyond salvation! At least this is the impression since it never goes unobserved that these campaigns have a dearth of effective solutions to offer or reports/gives examples of how specific communities successfully combat the ills-or the community in general tries too. I don’t expect much from mainstream media but it is disconcerting when some of the black press does the same thing-or both the press and the community fail to confront this dynamic even as they tackle the problems at hand! I am all for facing blunt reality but once you check off the list of all that ails the community from these smear campaigns, you, I, don’t feel motivated to make change, I feel motivated to throw in the towel and slit my damn wrist!
For me personally, I want to be single right now! There are things I want to do before I settle down; and I want to be at a measure of peace with myself before I get a partner because if I am not pleased with myself-how will I please my partner or how can I fully appreciate him! Call this smarmy, but just maybe some people fail to keep lasting relationships, get divorced, or remain in unhappy relationships because they do not know who they are or what they are about. But for the crowd that believes everybody is missing out if they are not married, this all might be novel ideas.
On the part of both genders there is room for improvement in reference to personality, compassion, respect, etc. This is a discussion that probably needs to be had, but beyond profit and sensationalism what constructive purpose is being performed by ABC,MSN, and Time.