We Broke Up But Still Live Together (Can Ex’s Cohabitate?)

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Dear NWSO,

I’m 19 and my relationship is currently on hold. I know I’m young but I need some advice. My boyfriend is 21 and we’ve been together for five years on and off. We first hooked up in high school.

I moved to Cali for two years and we separated but he later came to visit and told me he wanted to be with me and we can make it work long distance. So last year we decided to move in together. We grew to know each other really well. We have had a couple bumps and I would get mad and slam doors, yell, etc. so one day we got in an argument and I left to cool down. When I came back a couple hours later he said he couldn’t deal with me.

A couple days went by and he went about his business, ignoring me and acting like I wasn’t even there. So one morning I asked him did he wanna be with me. He said, “I love you, trust I do, but I don’t know if I wanna be with you anymore.” That was four months ago but we still live together—we sleep in different beds and got different rooms.

When he goes out—other than work or school—he takes me with him. He’s all lovin’ and it’s like we’re together but in reality we are not. If someone where to ask him he’d say that he is single but we just live together.

We have sex sometimes—not a lot like when we where together, due to our crazy schedules. He acts and shows me he wants to be with me but when I ask he always says that he isn’t sure. I still wanna be with him so that’s why I haven’t moved. I don’t know if maybe I’m wasting my time. I’m in dire need of some advice. Please help.

Ms. Confused.

Peace sis,

First and foremost, if you really want to be with this man, or at least make him come to some clear decision if he wants to be with you, you have to leave him. Or at least that damn house. I’m not usually in agreeance with the old adage that says, “Why would a man buy the cow if he can have the milk for free?” But that’s exactly what’s going on here.

Based on what you’ve laid out in your letter, everything works in his favor. He pays half the rent. He gets some live-in booty every once in a while. He gets your emotional company when y’all go out—basically cock blocking you from meeting other dudes in the process. And he gets to be “single” so he can screw whomever he wants when he wants with no hassle from you. Shoot, I’d be “unsure” about getting back together as well if I had such a sweet deal. (I’m joking but you know what I mean).

Basically, y’all broke up but not really. Now if you said y’all were operating like normal roommates and he did him and you did you—went on dates with other people, did not have sex, etc—I’d say, Okay, y’all handled it like mature adults and were real friends. But right now you’re both playing games. Him more than you because I see you being the one hurt at the end of this whole thing.

I don’t know your financial situation but moving out—even temporarily would force his hand to make a decision. He’d either realize that he truly misses you (because you’d actually be gone) or he’d truly enjoy his freedom of being single and you would no longer have any grey area and could both move on. I know that might seem drastic, but it don’t sound like homeboy is in any rush to make a decision and really doesn’t have to because you haven’t gone anywhere.

At the end of the day, if a man has no fear of losing you he’s less likely to do what needs to be done to keep you. That’s how you end up being neglected, because he’s like I can do whatever I want and this chick won’t even leave. She talks the talks but I know she’ll take me back so fuck it.

Now, if you can’t move out or don’t even want to that’s on you. At least try staying somewhere else for a week or two to see how he reacts. But most importantly stop having sex with him. That just adds more emotional fuel to the fire because I’m sure it makes you feel like he’s acting like he wants to be together, but at the end of the day a woman should always listen to what a man actually says not what she thinks his actions say.

Trust me, men are upfront and honest about what they want and what their intentions are if you just take the time out to listen and don’t let your (mis)interpretations of a man’s actions get in the way. No matter what he does he’ll always fall back and say, “But I told you yada, yada, yada.” You know what? He’ll be completely right. He told you he didn’t want to be together anymore but you just didn’t listen.

I actually blogged about this phenomenon a while ago in a post called “Don’t Listen to Her, Listen to Him.” Click that link and read that entry as I think it’ll help put things into better perspective for you. Aside from that, try your best to change your living arrangements and please stop having sex with that man until you guys have a clear understanding of where your relationship stands.

Good luck and I hope that helped.

What did you think of my advice for Ms. Confused? Do you think she needs to move out to get some clarity on her “relationship?” Do you feel that exes can successfully live together without the lines getting blurred or is that just asking for trouble? Is Ms. Confused’s ex playing games with her emotions by taking her with him when he goes out? Is 19 too young to be living with someone or does it depend on the individuals? Do you think she’s setting herself up to get hurt? What do you think Ms. Confused needs to do?

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Article by Naked with Socks On

Naked with Socks ON is what I like to call a “life blog,” where people come to discuss everything from sex and relationships to music and movies to politics and technology. It’s an open forum for discussions about a wide array of topics that people from all walks of life can appreciate and relate to. As for the name, I decided on NakedWithSocksOn (or NWSO) because it’s symbolic of how I write. I reveal everything while still leaving something to the imagination. Ask me a question and I will give you an answer. It will be honest. It will come from the heart. It may embarrass me. At times, it will be painful for me to share. But I will sacrifice bits of myself to impart knowledge on my fellow man and for the sake of telling a damn good story. So that’s why I am NakedWithSocksOn. Check out more at http://www.nakedwithsockson.com/

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