Friday night I attended a relationship forum titled, “Happily Ever After: Courtship, Wedding Costs, and the Joys of Marriage.” Put on by Together Apart: The Live Convo, the purpose of the forum was to facilitate open and honest dialogue between men and women about relationship issues. The hosts were Malik Yoba of the Why Did I Get Married series (and New York Undercover–that was my show!) and Egypt of WBLS. The panel of go-to experts consisted of Essence Relationships Editor and author of ABelleInBrooklyn.com Demetria Lucas; power couple Anthony Morris and Thembisa Shaka, who have been married for 13 years; and psychotherapist and minister Shawna Marie.
Through three rounds of discussion, the audience and panel tackled the subjects of how you know that the person that you’re with is “the one,” whether the wisdom of your parents should override your feelings for a mate, and the psychological costs and financial burden of a debt-ridden wedding. The take-home message from each dialogue boiled down to self-awareness, with the premise that if you are mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and financially fit, then the reflection that you ultimately seek has to show up. Furthermore, deciding who you want to spend the rest of your life with is a process and marriage is not a final destination, but simply a stop on this journey through life. OK cool.
The point that resonated with everyone, though, was a statement made by a newlywed woman in the audience who said, to paraphrase: The reason that we settle in relationships is because we really don’t believe that we can have happily ever after, that we deserve abundant love, and that we can get the love that we desire. (ding, ding, ding)
I realized this about myself years ago—not that it necessarily changed my behavior, unfortunately, but I had the “AHA!” moment when I recognized that I tolerated the majority of the men in my past because I thought “this is as good as it gets.” While it was comforting to hear other women express similar sentiments, the kicker for me was when the man behind Together-Apart, Chris Kazi Rolle, admitted that he’s dealt with that very issue himself.
His way of not believing in happily ever after showed up in the form of trust issues with his mate whom he said gave him every reason under the sun to trust her, but because he didn’t believe that someone would actually love him the way that he needed, he’d kept women on the side “just in case”— women who were in their own relationships.
Rolle was openly emotional about how he’d hurt his girlfriend and at that moment I thought wow, men actually care. (I come from a long line of men-just-don’t-give-a-damn thinking.) Second, I was amazed at the idea that some men might believe that they won’t get the love that they want from a woman, and the fact that that mindset might manifest itself in the form of cheating was eye opening. (I also come from a long line of men-cheat-just-because-someone-walked-by-with-a-big-butt thinking.)
To me, it always seems that men don’t really care if they find “Mrs. Right,” and they certainly don’t doubt that they deserve a good woman. Aren’t women the only ones who cry themselves to sleep at night, haunted by nightmares of never finding true love and believing that something is wrong with them if they don’t? Maybe not. Could it be that we (meaning those of us who aren’t in a successful relationship) are all just settling out of fear of being vulnerable and an unwillingness to be alone? You tell me.
Are men just as fearful of not finding the love that they want? Do men settle because they don’t expect to find that love? And furthermore, does that lack of expectation show up in the form of cheating when a man is in a relationship?
Article by Brande Victorian
BVic is University of Cincinnati journalism graduate and New York City resident still trying to figure out where she made that wrong left turn, or as one reader put it, a black woman with too much education and a big mouth. Either way, she’s concerned about her people and wants them to do better. Follow her @Be_Vic.
Brande has written 12 article(s) for us.
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Men and Women are different and alike at the same time. I hate how women constantly act like we don't do men wrong too. Just because he doesn't tweet everyday about how much it hurts, and he doesn't cry on his pillow (at least not in front of anyone), and he instead goes out with his friends to get drunk and pass out on some girl's boobs, does not mean he's not affected.
We've all known "that guy" who's dating life is all jacked up because of the woman that did him dirty. We all know that women, who are master tacticians in the art of undercover manipulation, are probably better at inflicting mental and emotional pain than a man. Of course men can hurt us, and do so often, but for those of us that have been hurt by a best friend, we know how deep it stings.
I say all of that to say, that we women need to understand that men are emotional too. Just not the same way we are, and sometimes the way the handle it is to protect themselves (i.e. Cheat) in ways that has little to do with us lacking in any area, but more like him dealing with some things. Like you said, this man had a woman on the side not because his woman wasn't amazing, but because he has trust issues that manifested in him becoming untrustworthy himself.
I know ALOT of people who's strong desire for a mate leads them to settle, men and women. Sometimes with men they settle for the "ride or die" chick even if she isn't the best because at the end of the day, she's RIDE OR DIE. Even if sometimes he may want to choke her or put a paper bag over her head.
Women settle too, but we know that story.
We're so different, yet just the same.
Of course we settle. Men-Women we all settle. What are you supposed to do if you cannot have the person you want? Its better to be with the person that wants you than to be alone. Right?
I don't know, sometimes settling can take a toll on you and have more negative effects than being alone. It depends on just how far you take the settling–(i.e friends with benefits versus walking down the aisle). But just because a person wants you, doesn't mean they're necessarily good for you.
I like how women actually think that men don't settle…I don't know where you get this information from. Most married men have dated and or have had sex with much more beautiful women than their actual present day wives. Just ask any married guy you know who keeps it real when his wife isn't around, he'll tell you.
And men are primarily visually motivated right, that being the case, wouldn't a man not marrying the most beautiful woman he's ever met be considered settling?
I'd like to think that there are more important qualities than physical appearance, even for men who are extremely visual. Perhaps the reason men don't marry the most beautiful women they'd ever met is because they realized all of her other qualities were lacking. Marrying a woman for who she is and what she stands for, rather than solely what she looks like is a sign of maturity, not settling. I certainly would hope that many husbands wouldn't say that they settled when they got married because their wife isn't drop dead gorgeous.
Water seeks it’s own level. Whoever you are with, that’s the best you can do. For the women, if you were thinner, younger, or more attractive, you could do better. Guys, if you had more money, if you went to college instead of smoking weed, you’d be doing better than that fat pig sitting across from you at the dinner table.