Chele Law #9 – Don't Ask the Question if you Don't Want the Answer
I have a few hard and fast laws. Eventually we’ll get around to discussing them all. But this one I feel so very firmly about. Any good attorney will tell you never to ask a question if you’re unsure of the answer; but outside the courtroom I think it’s best to not ask a question if you are not sure you’re ready to hear the answer. One saying I stole from an ex: “Do you really want the truth or do you want me to lie to you?”
I recall being young and infatuated with this dude in college. He kinda hung around and smiled at me but never asked me out. One day completely fed up I asked him, “Are you ever going to ask me out?” He replied, “Oh no, I would never do that.” Taken aback, I asked him why? He said, “I need a girl that’s easy this semester and you’re a bit too much too handle, but we can be friends if you like.” Oh well, gee thanks.
Another time a friend of mine made dinner for BougieSis and I. She lived downstairs from us and really was not talented in the kitchen. The dish she served she called lasagna. For the record, the use of lasagna noodles does not make lasagna. She replaced the tomato sauce with ketchup, the ricotta with cottage cheese and the meat was an unseasoned tough ground turkey. She did serve a good wine and the breadsticks out of the Pillsbury can were delicious. When she asked BougieSis and I whether we liked the meal; we gave her a noncommittal answer. Later that night, she bounced upstairs. BougieSis and I’s feelings were so hurt by massacre of Italian food that we had come home and made spaghetti with meat sauce. She walked in, sniffed the air and thought the pleasant smell was her meal’s aroma drifting up the stairs. She then announced that she was going to serve her meal to the new guy she was dating the next night. She really wanted to impress him. So she asked again… did I think he would enjoy it? Ah jeez… I told her the truth as nicely as I could. She pouted, stormed out of the apartment and eventually got over it. So much so that she came upstairs and got a Tupperware dish of what I had cooked to serve him. Should’ve told her the truth straight out the gate and saved us all drama and heartburn.
And finally – what prompted this post…
I don’t like to discuss my sex life… or lack thereof. Whatever’s happening (or not) is for me to know and you to wonder about. J I really, really don’t like to share. But a young friend of mine called me today with a situation and asked for my advice. Le Sigh. Oh the burden of being the wiser, elder, been through it all (mostly) chick… anyway, here’s what happened.
I mentor some youth and young adults at my church, a good group of kids between the ages of 16 and 22. We get together for online chats and I basically let them ask questions about whatever they like. The other three “mentors” and I try and answer both honestly and in ways that will keep their young behinds out of trouble. One of my mentees is wrapping up her sophomore year of college. She fell into a relationship with a knucklehead athlete (one of my areas of expertise) and has been trying to get out of the relationship for the past month or so. Why? One, he’s a knucklehead. Two, he’s a controlling knucklehead with jealous tendencies. Three, he’s terrible (by her account really terrible) in bed. Like six months in and she’s waiting on him to “find things.” Twenty years old putting up with the jealousy and the bad sex? No ma’am. I advised her previously that if she saw some redeeming qualities that she should train him up in the areas where he lacked skill. She tried… diligently. With illustrations, visual aids and props… still no bueno. He finally asked her this past weekend: “What’s with all the Sex Ed? Don’t you think I’m good in bed?” She lied and said yes.
Lying about sexual performance is never a good idea. He will continue bringing the weak “D-” game thinking it’s “A+.” She asked what to do, I shared the following BougieTale:
You all recall me talking about Bill, he of the boo-hooing in the shower and later of the Tapback? Yes, that Bill. Well, Bill’s um… performance was directly affected by mood. If he was feeling good about himself and our relationship, he shared the good-good. If he was down… so was everything else. L And it actually got to the point where there was far more bad than good. Even after the numerous occasions where he asked me to tell/show him in detail what worked and what didn’t. One evening, he had wined and dined me. We’d gone dancing and strolling and chit-chatting in the moonlight. We got home, retired to the bedroom and it was… quite awful. The worst thing was the minute he was finished (him, singular) he asked, “How was I?”
Now I could pause for the cause and express my overall displeasure with being asked for a rating but I shan’t. Moving on. I really didn’t know what to say and so he prompted me again, “Come on, a scale of 1 to 10 when 10 is off the charts – what did you think?” I was torn. If I told him the truth, that it was a 3, I knew he’d be all mopey. But if I way over-exaggerated and gave him a 7, he’d think he’d really done something. I thought maybe if I gave him a 5, he’d know it wasn’t great and try harder next time. To stall for time I said, “That’s one of those questions where you should be sure you want to know the answer.” He assured me that he really wanted to know. I said (still stalling), “Well how was it for you?”
I should’ve taken my own advice and not asked the question. When he answered, “Eleven,” my heart sank a little. How do you tell someone your experience was half (or a third) as great as theirs? When he asked the third time, I told him it was a 6. What did that net me? Every single time thereafter he would ask for the rating. Sometimes he would pause in the middle to ask what number he was close to. SO. NOT. SEXY. Based on this story, my young friend decided to be brutally honest with her guy. She told him and he broke up with her. She’s okay with that.
So a few questions – what’s the deal with wanting to rate performance? Have you had to learn the lesson of not asking questions you’re not ready to hear the answer to? Ever ditched an S.O. for lack of sizzle-skill? Is honesty always the best policy? Did I give my young friend good advice or would you have said something different? Any other thoughts, comments, insights? The floor is yours.
Article by Michele
Michele Grant, also known as OneChele. OneChele is just a bougie Southern chick with a thought (or two), a keyboard and a sense of humor. A writer, lover of all things purple and speaker of mind. My book, Heard it All Before, is in stores now. Get it, read it, love it.
Michele has written 87 article(s) for us.
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I was always under the impression that if you have to ask, you're probably not going to get the answer you want. I try to take cues from 1) the number of times she climaxed 2) her participation 3) her (in) ability to speak in coherent sentences or 4) umm…other stuff that probably shouldn't be typed.
I've also noticed that great sex usually comes with people you're emotionally connected with. And that sometimes…people think too much instead of just doing. I have two objectives when I have sex with a woman. 1) go in like it's the last time you'll ever get a chance to sleep with her and 2) her pleasure = my pleasure. So far, I can't say that the strategy hasn't worked lol
women normally tell me how good it was afterwards if im on my A game. if not they dont say shit. there are plenty non verbal cues you can take as well. if she lays there quivering, roles over and cuddles up to you, or tries to get up and falls back down (thumbs up !!). if she gets right up and gets some water, goes to sleep, just lays there and says nothing (fail). a mixed signal may be she wants more (depends on girl). I know im normally done after one so whether that was a sign of it being good or bad i consider it a fail because im not doing it again.
anyway, I know when im good and when i didnt really give a damn and just wanted to nut and go to sleep. i also know the signs to look for. women should lie, at any rate. dudes know. especially if they are asking. stroke dudes ego. it will get better. lot of that ish for women and men is tied to pressure and feeling comfortable. if you can be honest and keep him feeling comfortable do that, but if not, got to have him feel comfortable else it will get worse.
women should lie? lol how much torture must she go through at the sake of your ego lol?
iono…depends how important the relationship is. i think lying is actually more effective…sugar coating however you put it. being comfortable is key. i find this to be true with women as well. being 100 oercent blunt doesnt help
I guess I see being blunt and honest as a good thing…I simple walk-thru from top to bottom to communicate what works and doesn't work, worked wonders for my relationship; it helps keep things fresh and new and not all secret. Being that vulnerable to someone opens a lot more doors than just sexual (i think). Being blunt doesnt [always] mean that you tell him he was horrible and should take him and his piece elsewhere lol. It's about effectively communicating you relationship (or lack thereof).
I'll approach this from the non-sexual aspect. Not asking questions you don't want to know the answer to. I was dating a guy and he had been testing ALL of my patience. We were stuck in that non-committal 'dating' phase for a bit too long. We'd talk every day, see each other 3-4 times a week. Felt like a relationship; however, he refused to take it a level deeper and be 100% committed to me in action and talk. During this time, I certainly asked him whether he was being physical with anybody – but I didn't want to know if he was taking broads for drinks and/or talking to them on the phone. Given that he refused to commit to a relationship – I found no point in asking the question I already knew the answer to (are you or have you dated anybody else since we got more serious). Hearing him confirm wouldn't do anything but make me want to kick him in the knee cap.
I recognize that there are questions I don't want to know the answer to because it would do nothing but piss me off. We women tend to know the deal based on action (or lack there of) – so unless you are willing to walk away, why bother asking some questions?
In regards to sex – I'm too old to be faking. When younger, it was more about – I want him to like me, so my orgasm is inconsequential as long as he gets his. Now I'm like – uhh brah, this is what tends to work, feel free to get creative, but if you have no luck do this and that. I also offer assistance. Sometimes I think God was acting unfairly in designing sex in such a way that it is rarely over until a man climaxes and that women's bodies are so complex that it may take years before we understand what makes us climax.
@ KIM. I've heard alot of women not climax and kind of just let the guy enjoy sex. I think that is completely wrong. Sex is a great pleasure and has to be enjoyed by both unless as a woman you are just cheating yourself. I think many women are afraid to express themselves & speak up about what they like: hence the whole article. Many men dont want to hear that they suck. But the truth is, they try to use what they think will work. I think God was amazing in designing me! lol. But communication is necessary to climax & enjoy. If the guy is not willing to listen and learn as you show him how to please you, cut your losses b/c you'll end up cheating (physically to find the man who can) or cheating yourself.
I think more women should be apt to watching porn & seeing new things. You can't keep doing the old thing and getting results. And women should explore your bodies. I don't want to pry in to your personal life but i think you're in youre late 20's & havent orgasmed? Wow!!! I was shocked myself as a woman to find out that many women haven't orgasmed or enjoyed sex? Where have I been????
"I think more women should be apt to watching porn & seeing new things. You can’t keep doing the old thing and getting results. And women should explore your bodies. "
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you.
I know many women are totally grossed out by porn (Whatever, to each her own), but I learned ALOT by watching/reading porn. Self-exploration is a wonderful way for a woman to learn her body. Please believe that men have been doing that since they were 12 and they know exactly what works for them. Women are blessed in that we have SO MANY pleasure points and so many different types of orgasms. We have the ability to orgasm multiple times whereas men are down and out after one and need time to recharge.
I have to go back and re-read my initial comment. To clarify – in my early 20s I didn't make it about me. Now in my late 20s I know what it takes and provide instruction to dudes and offer them suggestions as to how to make it happen. Also to clarify – I've known what an orgasm felt like and knew my body before sex. I think this actually worked against me in that it took me a long time to orgasm with a man without aid. (for some women it's not easy as touch here, do this, do that – so I appreciate the fact that it may take some women longer or may require more work than others. We are all built differently in that regard. Unfortunately as men move woman to woman they must be extremely attentive and understand what it takes to get a particular woman to climax. One size fits all doesn't work. Conversely, It's pretty easy, almost brainless to get a man to climax). I agree too that women need not be so prudish and work with themselves and/or watch porn to see what works for them. I certainly wouldn't expect a man to know how to make me climax if I didn't know myself.
That could take the convo in a whole 'nother realm. Women being scared of their bodies because they were taught that there vagina was dirty/nasty/ugly etc. It's okay to be taught that it's a private area; however, it's bad when it's given nicknames that have negative connotations alluding to dirt/ugly/nastiness. Or frankly, it's bad when mothers don't make some kind of effort to explain the various parts and what the parts are for.
"Women being scared of their bodies because they were taught that there vagina was dirty/nasty/ugly etc. It’s okay to be taught that it’s a private area; however, it’s bad when it’s given nicknames that have negative connotations alluding to dirt/ugly/nastiness. Or frankly, it’s bad when mothers don’t make some kind of effort to explain the various parts and what the parts are for."
Yup this is the issue right there. Our mothers taught us our Vagina's are "cookies, nonny's, sallys" whatever. And they were afraid to talk about sex. I can actually say my mother was very open with me. And she told me about certain spots on my body that I might want to never let a dude touch unless I was ready to have sex. LOL Plus, I think some mother's passed down the mentality to just "lay there until he's finished." It's 2010, we should be beyond that. LOL
"uhh brah, this is what tends to work, feel free to get creative, but if you have no luck do this and that. I also offer assistance"…haha i died because it is SO true
I fully believe that sex is probably better for women, but too many of us don't know it. This is why I often appreciate women that are open about their sexuality and love for sex (those black women that society hates) because at least they are enjoying the act. There are many women who are laying down with men because he'll buy them something, or in the hopes that he'll like them, and they aren't even enjoying it. This is why women always feel "taken advantage of" in sex, and why they get soooo emotionally caught up when they have sex. They are doing it for the wrong reasons. While I believe you should have sex with someone you care about and are committed to, you should also be having sex to get a share of that pleasure. Chances are he'll enjoy it regardless, (well he'll at least orgasm. If you are the type to lay there like a fish, he'll still do it, and just tell his friends later) but you have to make sure you get yours too. And that means knowing your body, and speaking up. But if you're the type to just get caught up on a dude regardless, great sex might make it harder. LOL
@JG Yes!! we do have multiple pleasure points. But also we have to be WILLING to show the guy what works. Communication is key! I dont think women have to be "emotional" to have sex. (Society comes up with all these terms to protect women who can't orgasm). Orgasm takes a sexual sophistication and knowing your body. I'd also like to know why more women don't watch porn? It's very helpful & keeps ur relationship fun & exciting. Especially if you watch something he hasn't seen yet. You can try it & surprise him!
lol
I think porn in a relationship is great. Like anything, when overused it's an abuse, but it can change things up every now and then. You get to see what turns him on, you get to show him what turns you on. It's a win/win.
Again, I think a lot of women shy away from this because they see sex & sexuality as one-sided. Porn is bad because *he* might like it too much. However, if he watches is with YOU then he'll view it less as something for just him, and more as something for the both of you. Again… win/win!
lol – and we always ignore the flip. What if the woman likes it (porn, sex, etc) too much, or rather more than the dude. Or when a dude is stressed out his drive goes down. grrrrr.
Right!!! Women can get caught up in addiction the same way a man can. We might like the "Rabbit" more than we like you. LOL it's multifunction whereas you (the man) are not. LOL
I think both men and women need to come to terms with the fact that women can enjoy sex and sexuality just as a man can. But the first step to this is for WOMEN to realize it, and then to start making men step up their game.
Going back to the double standard issue, due to safety issues, instead of supporting women's right to hoe out like men, I support men stop the hoeing. LOL
"But also we have to be WILLING to show the guy what works. Communication is key!" I think that point is CRUCIAL. Being afraid isnt going to make anyone happy or satisfied. Open your mouth…let him know what he is doing wrong…I mean, you can sit there and let him gnaw on you like a pitbull or you can say "no no boo, boo…that aint right" haha
Although there is a fine line with the woman who loves sex. She has to love it inside of a committed relationship – but as we see on this blog and via statistics, committed relationship is a rarity and challenge, especially as we hear men talking about they fear commitment/marriage etc. So there is a disconnect/disadvantage for the women that love sex. Either they simply don't have sex, have sex in quasi-dating-relationshits, or have sex in committed relationships. Meanwhile men don't have the same stigma. They get to love/pursue sex all they want without fear of a negative stigma. (some double standards will never die).
I was listening to a podcast in which the preacher said, society baits us to sin, yet chastises us once we commit the sin. I think that's very true. I guess the connection and/or what made me think of that is that women who love sex are encouraged to feel liberated sexually, yet are called whores when they are having sex in a situation outside of committed relationship/marriage. Granted, safety issues would lead a prudently responsible person to ensure they are protected.
Well this is true and those double standards are rude. But you can LOVE sex with just one guy and safely. Often times the misconception is that if a woman is good at sex and loves it, then she's been around the block. When in reality PERHAPS she just watched some porn and had a partner willing to learn and grow with her. This is pretty much the ideal situation.
Back to the original…in order to have just one guy – you must assume that the woman is in a committed relationship or at least sexually exclusive relationshit. Or perhaps she has sex with one guy and he does whatever the hell he's going to do anyway.
I think statistics show what happens most frequently. To summarize the statistics…People don't get married, yet have lots of sex…and sometimes stay protected.
I fully believe that sex is probably better for women
Given the number of multi-orgasmic women I know, I'm inclined to agree. Women feet get to shaking, legs vibrating, having seizures and screaming out shit that nobody but them understands, I ain't even gon front. I get jealous as hell. My climax lasts 5 seconds. I think women can last as long as 45 secs to a minute. Yeah it's easier for us to nut, but I'd trade off for that shit I see women going through when they release…
Exactly
@JG I agree that the double standards are present. But personally I dont really care abt what "society" has to say. I read a post on this website a while back that men think there's a myth about the "lady in the street, freak in the bed" complex..and i highly disagree. I find it interesting that women get labeled "whores & hoes" & etc when they want to try new things…..is it wrong for a woman to wanna slide down a pole for her hubby in private? lol
That might have been the post I wrote. I was saying that that woman does exist! (As you and I both know) but that some men have a hard time handling her. (I've generally discovered this attitude to be a northern thing. My southern friends where I'm from could care less about certain things when it comes to a woman and sexuality.)
Well at least *we* know that chances are, the First Lady is killing the game in the bedroom for her husband. And there is nothing wrong with that. I think plenty of women need to know a few tricks or two in the bedroom. Keep it exciting and keep surprising him. Even though my Beau knows I don't mind him going to the strip club (I've been with him) he knows that home is where the heart is (and a whole lotta fun).
So CHEERS to the women that please their men AND themselves! That's what makes it fun!
It's always different with a different partner, meaning, those first one to three 'encounters' are more reconnaissance missions. In addition to tryna get your rocks off, you're entering uncharted territory and discovering what you're partner really enjoys (beyond just a serving of Vitamin D). What'll get her to the point where you as the man can lay with your head in the pillow saying to yourself "I got this mothaf***a now". But once you and your lady have had a chance to get it in (no pun intended) a couple times, and know each others body's and how they respond to certain *stimuli*, and you STILL need to ask at that point, then it's time to head back to the drawing board buddy cuz you need to re-engineer your stroke game IMMEDIATELY.
I'm still at this: "I mentor some youth and young adults at my church….I advised her previously that if she saw some redeeming qualities that she should train him up in the areas where he lacked skill."
LOL. At *church* though? This makes me look at the situation differently. I may be alone in this, but I wouldn't expect my church mentor to give me tips on fornication. The realness is commendable, but I'm still kinda…o_O.
For a person who is at least trying to live right (which I can only assume of a person who even bothers to go to church and especially if they find a mentor in that church), maybe what she needs to know is that no matter what she does, the sex will probably always suck. If not the sex itself then everything around it will lack luster (the guy, the relationship, etc). Is God going to bless a situation that goes completely against Him? The consequences of which can be catastrophic to her future? He loves her too much to do that. A good rule of thumb: If you can't pray about it, then you shouldn't be doing it.
No matter how glorified and normalized sex with whomever/whenever is or how desensitized and flippant even the most "Christian" among us becomes toward premarital sex, God's view on it doesn't change. It's no secret that this behavior is practiced in the church among teens and adults alike, but to be encouraged? God forbid.