Not too long ago in the distant past; if you wanted to see a hooker, all you had to do was step outside your door and head to the nearest red light district. Back in the 90’s, Time Square at night was like a being on a hooker safari. Hoes were everywhere, as far as the eye could see; all different kinds too. There were short ones, tall ones, small ones, fat ones. There were young ones, old ones, dumb ones, Black ones. Even little midget ones, but for some reason they always ran you a little extra.
Now when you walk among all the Disney Stores, Wax Museums, and TGIF’s of Time Square: a guy can’t help but wonder “Hey; where did all the hoes go?” Did they all just die out? If so, where is their Discovery Channel special? Where is their Sally Struther’s infomercial, telling us that for a mere $2 dollars a day, we can keep an old whore on the streets of New York City?
Like everything else in this world, all the whores have gone digital. I guess they said, if it was good enough for Barack’s election campaign, it’s good enough for them. I can’t even turn on my computer now, without some girl named Fancygirl30 or Ladylove119 propositioning me via email, IM, and now they’re even on Skype. Talk about frustrating. What’s the world coming to when a guy can’t even watch internet porn in peace?
Truthfully, I don’t think I’m on board with this whole new breed of “stay at home whores”. Call me old fashioned, but I just don’t think that prostitution is really a telecommuting type of business. Nowadays, any girl with a Facebook account and a Samsung Instinct thinks she’s qualified to be a hooker. In the words of my granddad, “Hoes just ain’t what they used to be.”
God knows growing up I hated those speeches from my mother, telling me how easy we had it compared to her generation, and all that they had to do. But those speeches made me a better person. I can’t help but wonder: where are their speeches? Somewhere in this country, there has to be an old hooker saying to her daughter:
You young hoes are lazy! Back when I was hookin, I had to walk 22 miles in the snow just to find one good trick. And I was grateful for that $11 dollars… cause you know back then they could give you an IOU.
Or:
What the hell is PayPal? In my day, we had a pimp! What you gonna do if you need protection? Send an email? All this new self-hoeing ain’t right I tell you. It ain’t nothing but the devil!
I believe in the whole ecosystem theory that if one thing disappears, we throw off the entire balance of the planet. Just like rain forests, the ozone layer, and silver back gorillas; street hookers are a vital part of this planet. And we need to do all that we can to ensure their survival.
Please send in $22 to get your very own “Save the Street Hoes” tee shirt.
Article by Brett Sanders
Brett Sanders is an award winning humorist and the creator of Brettandthecity.com.
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{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
Street Hookers: The New Endangered Species — theFreshXpress.com …: I don’t think I’m on board with this whole ne… http://bit.ly/c9mEbm
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
Ha Ha!!!!
Hilarious!!! Truly what is the world coming too?!!
**wondering why no one else has posted a comment, scared maybe?**
FRESH: Street Hookers: The New Endangered Species http://ow.ly/1GdNG
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
Mr Brett I’m sorry but ‘stay at home whores’ work just as hard. And the screening process is a lot better. No longer does one have to rely soley on the type of car or the license plate of said customer.
-Internet Pimp.
This is one of the most straight-up ignorant and repulsive posts I’ve ever read. I’m guessing Mr. Sanders thinks it must be hilarious when a “ho” gets’ beat up, assaulted or murdered by pimps or psychotic customers. Not every woman who works as a prostitute does it out of choice or because they want to. Apparently, Mr. Sanders is unware of how many women are sold into sexual slavery or that members of the Gambino crime family were recently indicted for peddling 14-yr-olds for sex on Craig’s List.
It’s not necessary to have any compassion for prostitutes, Mr. Sanders. But it would it hurt for you to know what you’re talking about first?
Every once in a while we get someone who doesn’t get the joke and decides to apply a real world attitude into someone thing is obviously meant in a satirist manner. Congratulations on being that person today.
You know how many pimps were abused by their parents?
You know how many sociopaths and psychopaths were raped by their fathers?
You know how many rapist were raped in their youth by one they cared for?
You know how many pedophiles have undergone extremely traumatic events in their lifetime, including rape by a parent or a priest?
The world is indeed cruel, if you continuously look hard enough you can find a legitimate reason for every vile action on the planet. I wouldn’t expect most of us to do that, and you shouldn’t either.
Gee Jeff…
Did you ever think that perhaps “Brett” was a satirist/comedy writer… and that perhaps the views here were all done in “Jest”??
Do you perhaps even know what a “Satirist” does? Or a sense of humor for that matter? Sometimes life, things, stuff you read on a blog… just really isn’t that serious.
Brett-
FRESH: Street Hookers: The New Endangered Species http://ow.ly/1GdPJ
This comment was originally posted on Twitter
Hoes are tired. Tired of walking and duckin’ and dodgin’. The strip in now world wide.
Again, it’s satire. And very good satire, I must say. Kudos!
I get on here all the time and never comment, but this was hilarious!!! Thank you!
If that’s satire it failed dismally. If I didn’t get the joke maybe it just wasn’t delivered all that well.
“Nowadays, any girl with a Facebook account and a Samsung Instinct thinks she’s qualified to be a hooker.”
*Dead*