Nowadays when I have sex, I do a lot of thinking afterwards. I’ve come to realize it’s a sign of growth. Early on in my sexual life, I had an on-to-the-next-one mentality. I rarely looked back. The sex itself was the beginning and the end of the experience with that person. If I had hooked up with a friend, we remained friends but that didn’t mean we remained sexual partners.
Last year, I wrote The Death of Casual Sex and yes, it’s still dead. The older something gets the deader it gets; makes sense, no? Let me explain.
I now know the reason I became so aware that casual sex was dead…I’m getting older. And the people I deal with are getting older too. As you get older sex becomes more about connection instead of strictly play or learning, and the older you get the more aware of the consequences you become. Sex becomes more about quality instead of quantity. Hitting the 60-man mark is not a necessity. Sex is a connection. There’s a reason depressed people act out sexually (promiscuity) or retreat completely from sex; the connection or lack thereof. Think about why people have rebound sex. They’re hurting from a relationship that’s over. Flings are short-lived intense sexual and emotional connections on fast-forward. Enjoy your jelly bracelets, lipstick parties or whatever the latest sexual fad is, kiddies. It won’t last.
And then there were two…
A “platonic” friend that you have sex with occasionally or a lover you have an intense sexual bond with but the friendship is fuzzy at best—who would you choose? Can either develop into something more?
See, wanting more means you’re not in the realm of casual. That’s where I am. I don’t give ultimatums. I think, state how I feel, listen to their feeling and thoughts on the situation and then make a decision. And I’m sure if the sexual relationship ends with both men, I won’t go running to next dude. A few years ago, that would’ve been my course of action.
Who has the energy for casual sex? It’s more work to keep things casual than to just let your emotions take their natural course. You can be in a relationship and then casually do it in the kitchen sometimes, you know what I mean? But seriously, the last really great lover I had was 3 years ago; it had a 5-day a week consistency, full of experimentation and the basics, we mastered each other’s bodies. He was also quite a bit older than me. Since then, I’m sure the level of dissatisfaction I felt wasn’t due to do with the sex I was having but with the lack of connection. The lines between casual and serious started to blur and that’s not what I wanted. It didn’t end well. He was pissed. I was pissed at the 30+ phone calls that night. I was pissed at the forged emails. I was pissed at the bus stop harassment. But I’m not pissed at why he was pissed. He shared with me and we created a bond. It’s hard to be casual. So no, I’m not pissed he was hurt, but I am pissed at myself for not sharing what I shared with him with someone who wasn’t casual.
Article by Abigail Euke
Abigail Ekue’s impassioned personal essays and social rants range from serious and controversial to the more trivial. She doesn’t shy away from political incorrectness and will readily play the Devil’s Advocate. If you smile, cry, are aroused, disgusted, enraged or educated after reading her work, she’s done her part. For more of her words, please visit www.abigailekue.com.
Abigail has written 2 article(s) for us.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Yeah it does get old and you start wanting the person that you want to actually wake up looking at. The person that makes you not want t quickly get dressed and move on. And um, 60, dayum.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
Crossing that threshold right now…SMH getting older suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks.
lol – you ain't old!
DAMN KIM! I said getting "older" not "I'm 'getting old" GEEZ!
I think the pov is subjective. I cant see how a 34 yr say techie making say 60k (I know a few) couldnt still afford to do it. Heck in NYC I dont see people hitting a specific age and deciding casual sex is now awkward. Also you career is huge here, I work in film…nuff said.
Casual sex is the only reason half the cast and crew arent slapping one another upsdie the head. We work around each other 12-15 hours a day for 3 to 6 months then wrap the show and on to the next one-in Atl, Mia, NYC, LA….?
In fact jobs with working hours like these (medical profession is one) were people spend large amount of odd hours around people tend to continue casual sex regardless of age. Yet if you work in a cubicle and take your 15 min breaks and are always out of the door at the same time everyday, yea I mean no offense take yo' ass home and wait for your S.O.
As a 25 yr techie making 60k+ (which is low for my field) and working 12-15 hours a day around other people, I disagree.
I am the only unmarried person in my office (half the people here are black btw) and the average age is 30.
I think it has to do with maturity and environment. The LAST thing I want to do jump from person to person. I don’t have the time or patience for those games. At the end of the day when I’m exhausted, I don’t want to have to work even more to get a peen. I’d rather have my one that likes me for me and I don’t have to perform for.
Well I still disagree with the broad stormed that bt age "x" you get tired of casual sex. And I did use my career in film, the stars aren't the only
ones that from movie to movie are screwing some one new. Also it's still subjective I may still want to you may not, I ain't lying to get laid
no one gets hurt and no I don't get caught up with the emotions.
"In fact jobs with working hours like these (medical profession is one) were people spend large amount of odd hours around people tend to continue casual sex regardless of age."
It's still immoral and disgusting. I don't care what your profession is. AIDS rates are shooting through the atmosphere and people are still using unreasonable 'reasons' for going from town-to-town having countless, useless, meaningless, and unprecedented sexual escapades? FOR WHAT? The moral fabric of this generation is on a slow fall to you know where…believe that.
You can cite aids and HIV rates and thorw in morality all day long fact is people in professions with money plus working long hours are casually screwing. I know too many people who work in professions like this and yea even in their 30's they are having sex left and right. We disagree cool, whatelse do you want to hear? Just because you aren't doing a particular or have lost intrest has no bearing on the rest of us. You sound like the ex gang member who "gets it" but mad the youngins are tuning him out.
LMAO..and that's exactly what I am. Or appear to be. Like I'm the only one that 'gets it' around here. lol. Truth is you're right, and I know you're right; It DOES happen on the daily but what I'm sayin is you would think with all of the risk factors involved (STDs, moral responsibility, etc..) SELF CONTROL would play a big part somewhere and cause someone besides me to THINK. I know it's real, and it's an everyday occurence, but just because it's real and it's what's happenin doesn't mean that it should be so easily accepted to continue…Just sayin…
I mean really though, how could you be pissed at the end result???…..you made the bed and slept in it….
If you do anything for too long, it tends to lose its excitement. Casual sex gets old after awhile? You know what else gets old? Having sex with the same person, no matter how much you love them. I think this is a case of the grass always being greener on the other side. There are people in committed relationships who'd give anything for some guilt-free casual cutty and casual folks who yearn for sex with strings attached. It's all subjective.
Yup, same coolie-coo different day can get old. And that's where I think it gets fuzzy with the type of relationship you're in. I shake my head at the number of people living like their in open relationships when only one person thinks it's open. If both people are fine with casual sex, go for it.
"If you do anything for too long, it tends to lose its excitement. Casual sex gets old after awhile? You know what else gets old? Having sex with the same person, no matter how much you love them"
And this is where REAL LOVE will serve as a nexus between dying flames in an old relationship (most commonly marriage) and fidelity. Not saying that physical needs are to be omitted, but when you TRULY love someone, the sheer thought of them being hurt or devastated because of you getting some 'no-strings-attached-cutty' from someone else will be more than enough to deter you from taking it there. It's like you weigh it and choose what's more worthy: Some 7 second orgasm with a stranger who you'll probably never have a future with, or sh***** on your S.O and breaking the trust you spent so long creating. It's kinda like a man in love with his strikingly beautiful wife then after x amount of years she encounters a freak accident that disfigures her face, or has a stroke that leaves her looking the exact opposite of what she used to look like; sure enough that husband will no longer be attracted to her (because men are VISUAL beings) and he may long for other attractive women that he meets, but his genuine love for her won't let him betray her. Same dress different color applies to sex.
YEAH..I be saying "Im getting to old for this shyt" myself
I can't believe I'M saying that *smh*
Oh..and I forgot to add that just cause it's dead for you doesn't mean it's dead for others
Some people were in a long term relationship from 20-35. They probably want to "sew their oats" at age 36. They probably want casual sex now
*Shrugs*
I aint judging
Yup. It's like that person who didn't have a childhood or the late bloomer. They'll wanna "live it up" at a different stage in their life.
And just as I wrote that blog, life throws a curve ball. I smell another addendum O_0
Sex has a lot to do with desire and motivation. The level of these two things determine how your sex life will go.
I never understood the term "casual sex"…Ain't ish casual about sex!
Tell me about it. Casual sex is a big ass lie. Anything that can produce a life or kill you should not be taken lightly EVER.
^^Exactly!
I was just talking about this on one of my previous Facebook statuses…It's funny how some men & women put more thought into what they're gonna wear to the club Friday night, than who they take home & have sex with Friday night!
#SMDH
I'm with ILLBABY and Miss Jae on this one. To the author of this post, Abigail, no offense but at the beginning of the story up there I thought you were a dude; I think you're disgusting to be a woman and have no limitations as to how many, and how seldom you let a DIFFERENT man inside of your body.
I mean it's true to each his own, but damn. 60+???? Are you serious? And casually?…How can something so serious as this be taken casually? I hear and see alot of posts on here of women acting like it's no big deal. As women, what happened to our self control? You have to be insane or completely detached from all emotions( and all reality) for you NOT to realize that having someone all up in your guts, your bed, swapping saliva and bodily fluids with them is ANYTHING BUT casual. Idk. Just sayin…
Those dogs…they eat tghins that would make a billy goat puke. So yeah, I guess either they are human or Rambo was a Doberman.
Brittany,,, be easy. People can be so judgmental and for what.. whatever the author does in her spare time has no effect on you. If she want's to bed her entire block that's on her, and as long as she does it safely there's nothing that should be said about it! So why don't you mind your bed and the people/person/or lack there of in it, and keep it pushin…
If she want’s to bed her entire block that’s on her, and as long as she does it safely there’s nothing that should be said about it! So why don’t you mind your bed and the people/person/or lack there of in it, and keep it pushin…
Perhaps you're not aware pf STDs that can be contracted even WITH condoms??? These days sir, there really is no such thing as 'safely'.
Furthermore, any author who posts a topic is well aware of the possible responses from their readers, be it negative or positive. Say what you want, after reading her article that's what I felt; this is a blog, things will be said whether they're naughty or nice NOW U GET OVER IT AND KEEP IT PUSHING.. Sensitive sap!