Brett and the City: Obama’s New Bathroom Bill

by Brett Sanders on July 2, 2010

[FXP Editor's Note: Brett and the City is our new weekly humor column, and we're the first Black news publication to feature such. Brett Sanders is an award winning comedy writer and currently the Nation's Premier African American Humorist. You can catch him on theFreshXpress.com every Friday. But be careful if you're reading at work for fear of literally laughing out loud.]

Message from Brett: I wanted to take a brief moment to welcome you all to my new weekly humor column titled Brett and the City. My name is Brett Sanders, and I am a comedy writer living here in New York City. And with the exception of that time I spent in a Mexican prison for male prostitution, I’m pretty much just an average guy. The whole “Mexican prison” thing was really all just a big misunderstanding. While on vacation in Tijuana, I approached a group of local guys, and asked if they knew where a fella’ could get a good deal on a blow job from one of the notorious “working girls”. Since my Spanish was so horrible; they apparently thought I was a gay hooker trying to negotiate a group rate; and then the entire thing just got blown way out of proportion.
I’m originally from a small town called Grand Rapids Michigan; home of the famous Keebler Elf and the 80’s sensation the Debarges. Dropping either name can get you in just about any club you want to go to, plus an additional $10 dollars off a bag of weed. After graduating with honors from a very “prestigious” online university, where I majored in neuro surgery and minored in lesbian studies; I eventually decided to move to New York City in order to make a big name for myself. Unable to find a job in either of my chosen fields, I somehow ended up working for a smalltime company in Times Square selling copy machines for a living. Not quite the sexy life I imagined New York to be.
Since the day I moved to New York, it seems like the craziest things you could ever imagine, always somehow happens to me. With nothing left to do, and unable to afford therapy, I finally decided to write about it. Join me here each week as I share with you another embarrassingly outrageous adventure plucked straight from my life. If nothing else, I guarantee you that from here on out, you will instantly begin to feel better about your own.

During the summer season, Manhattan is even more crowded than usual. This means even longer lines to get into public restrooms. It’s no secret that Starbucks is no doubt the restroom of choice for most of us New Yorkers. For starters, no purchase is necessary; there’s three on every block; and most important of all, the homeless people use the ones at McDonald’s. There is this unspoken pact we have here in New York with the homeless. They stay out of the restrooms at Starbucks; and we stay clear the heck out of the ones in McDonald’s. A lesson I unfortunately had to learn the hard way. I’ll never forget the day I accidentally stumbled in on an old naked homeless man bent over, giving himself a foot bath in the sink. A sight I wouldn’t even wish on Osama Bin Laden. To this very day, I’ve never looked at chicken nuggets the same way. Or sinks.

Today while shopping in Union Square, I really had to go badly. So naturally, I ran into a Starbucks to take a quick leak. Believe it or not, I ended up waiting nearly 17 entire minutes for a lady to come out of the restroom. Talk about being pissed off. In my book, holding up a Starbucks restroom is one of the absolute rudest things a person can ever do. It’s right up there with licking a spoon at the salad bar, or giving yourself a toe job on the bus. It’s just inappropriate, classless, and shows a definite sign of low breeding. I mean, I really had to pee. So naturally, I did what anyone else would do. After the clerk refused to give me the key to the door anyway, I then banged on the door and shouted “Lady, what the f*ck are you doing in there…taking a nap?” I think the Black woman behind me was even more upset than me. Because she stated pretty clearly that if she didn’t see a wheel chair roll out out, she knew she was whooping “somebody’s” ass. Just to be certain, I asked her to make sure she didn’t mean mine. She was pretty big, and I find in life it’s much better to be safe than sorry. Bedsides, it wouldn’t of been the first time I got my ass beat in public by a big Black woman. Or the second.

My question is this: Unless they start installing showers and halogen reading lamps in public restrooms, what the hell can a person possibly be doing in there that long…relaxing? Public restrooms are freaking disgusting. You get in, get out, and you try like hell not to touch anything in there besides yourself. I always question these people that go in there and actually do number two. Where were they raised: in a damn crack house? Some things you just do at home. The last one I was in was so filthy; I would’ve rather had taken a crap in my own hand and hurled it into the toilet before I touched anything in there. I am a germaphobe like you wouldn’t believe. The scariest day of my entire life, was the first time I had to take my 3-year-old into a public restroom. Kids have a tendency to touch everything they see and then put their hands back in their mouth. I remember in that moment praying to God, “God… You know I love this little girl more than life itself. But I swear if she touches anything, God I will leave her little ass in here.” I was serious too. I would’ve just sat her down and ran. I figured, “Hell, she’s a beautiful little girl, plus she already can count to three. I’m sure somebody would make her a nice home.” I knew though if she touched that damn toiled and put her hand in her mouth, it just couldn’t be me.

Here’s my theory. To hell with all this economy crap; I think Obama needs to pass a new public restroom bill. It should state that each person is allowed just 2 ½ minutes to use the restroom and that’s it. When your time is up, whether you’re done in there or not; the door should just automatically swing open for all the world to see. This would totally revolutionize the world of public restrooms as we know it. It would force people to prioritize in that bathroom like never before. Sure, it will take some getting used to in the beginning. But like anything else, you just practice first. Run drills at home with the family until everyone is up to speed.

This may sound a little harsh to some. But the way I see it; if you can’t do whatever it is you need to do in there in under 3 minutes, then perhaps you just shouldn’t be going to the restroom in public, period. Grandma; this means you too. I love you dearly but truthfully; it’s just not fair to the rest of us to have to wait 22 damn minutes for you to untangle your bloomers from your stockings.

Article by Brett Sanders

Brett Sanders is an award winning humorist and the creator of Brettandthecity.com.

Brett has written 11 article(s) for us.

Post Summary

Each person should be allowed just 2 ½ minutes to use the restroom. When your time is up, whether you’re done in there or not; the door should just automatically swing open for all the world to see.

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Tweets that mention Brett and the City: Obama’s New Bathroom Bill — theFreshXpress.com — The PULSE of Young Black America -- Topsy.com: July 2, 2010 at 10:51 am

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1 Brettandthecity July 2, 2010 at 9:41 am

Hey Everyone!! Today is the launch of my new column on The Fresh Express!! This is a really big deal for me…. http://fb.me/CF3jaJO4

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Brett and the City: Obama’s New Bathroom Bill

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