I almost didn’t want to tackle this topic as I believe one blog post can’t fully capture the issue in its entirety. I’ll keep it as short and to the point as possible…here goes…
Contrary to what the media will have you believe is the current state of Black love and Black marriage I’ve seen many of my peers (in the 20-something age range) either getting married, getting engaged, or making very serious moves in their relationships towards marriage. However, when I look at the women in the 30-something age category, I see a totally different trend. It’s the trend that many Black women have grown tired of hearing about the single, highly successful Black woman who must either date outside of her race or lower her standards if she wants a chance at getting married.
What exactly is the difference between the 20-somethings and the 30-somethings that has one category in happy marital bliss and the other in a state of single girl woes?
I look at the different outlook me and my older cousin have when it comes to relationships. Her philosophy is similar to what I hear from lots of older women when giving me advice on the men I encounter and will encounter. It goes as follows: “Carla, you’re young and you need to have all the fun you can have now. Be completely selfish and don’t get too wrapped up on one single guy. You have time for all of that.” The problem with this logic? When exactly do I no longer qualify as young? Is “being selfish” and “having all the fun I want” that easy to turn off one day and enter into a committed relationship the next day? How exactly does one make the transition from selfishness to being able to completely cohabitate and get along with another person on the level that is required for a serious relationship?
The questions I can ask on this are endless. The answers I’ve seen go hand in hand with what a woman interviewed on the Oprah Show said in regards to an unrelated topic. Basically, she said that in your youth you are setting the foundation for who you become. The mistakes and bad habits you make early on in life will follow you as you age. I’m applying this to this topic and making an observation that the 30-something year old has a hard time coping with sharing their already established lives with someone else.
For the 10+ years they have had in the dating realm they have been living by the same advice they are giving me. For those 10+ years they have focused solely on themselves. Their careers, their wants, their dreams, their well-being. At 30-something they find themselves in a predicament where they have the house, the car, the job, the pets, but not the man because they have been their only concern.
The 20-somethings, on the other hand, are trying to find a balance between focusing on their careers and on the relationships they have had for over a year. Many of my friends, both males and females, have moved out of states, prolonged moves to other places, transferred schools, rejected job offers, and ultimately altered their lives in some way to make a relationship work. Sounds crazy to an older generation of relationship naysayers but what I have witnessed is that this group and way of thinking has worked and I have gotten more wedding notifications than I even want to address right now.
Long story short, I think the difference is the approach and outlook. The media blames the men for not being good enough or for being locked away in jail or for being gay or for whatever silly reason they have but I was never an advocate of that excuse as I know many single older men who aren’t any of those things but are also focusing on themselves because they have given up on finding the right one.
I blame the mentality and ask the question is it really appropriate to leave a relationship because the other person may be facing a struggle in their lives that yes, affects the relationship and time spent together negatively, but is something unrelated to how that person feels about you? Is it really okay to want someone to support you through whatever you may be facing but run for the hills when a bit of trouble heads their way. The 30-somethings may say yes it’s okay and that it’s on to the next one with less drama while the 20-something may seek to be that person’s support system and stick it out with their guy despite what others may tell them. While the 20-something may be more prone to being hurt and may even be a bit foolish at times, if the right man does come along for them they are, in my opinion, more equipped to handle the complications and downs of what comes with both a serious relationship and a marriage.
Article by A Black Malfunction
Carla is a recent college graduate of the University of Miami School of Communication where she studied Public Relations and Marketing and is an up and coming Public Relations guru. Originally from New York, this savvy twenty-something year old currently resides in Chicago, IL. in pursuit of her dream career and of a love that will make her heart skip 3 beats. She blogs about the common and not so common mis-adventures and malfunctions of the heart at www.theheartmalfunctions.com. You may also follow her on Twitter @CarlaAshley1920.
A Black Malfunction has written 18 article(s) for us.
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Great Article!
Overall, the desire to get married is declining in America period.
As for women in their 30's vs women in their 20's, the difference I see is, you have a lot of 30 year old women who want to live their lives like they're in their 20's and the 20 year olds are trying to live their lives like they're in their 30's.
Which I'll say is not always the best thing. I know a 23 year old girl who just got married, but is constantly dealing with the temptation to have affairs with the guys that she works with, because she married the second guy ever to date her.
Uh huh. I've heard THAT story before. Over and over and over. She probably watched that CNN special and lost her damn mind. Can't wait to see your blog post in 2 years or so where she comes up again as a 25 year old divorcee with child screaming "niggas ain't shit."
It's amazing how many stories of this are out there. Yet, when men talk about it, women think you're lying or trying to ruin the name of another woman…oh well, the truth has a funny way of coming out, regardless of how well you hide it.
I am happier being single at 30 than I think I would be married in my 20's. I have learned so much about myself. What I will deal with and what I will not deal with it. Plus I think sexiness runneth over at this age.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
@Tiffany, not to say you are wrong in your choices, but I disagree with the notion that you can’t “learn” about yourself with someone else. I’ve also heard the notion that you can’t develop your career with someone else. Let me explain:
For my part, if you were my wife, then I’d be there through the “learning” and support aggressive career decisions (with or without kids). I see Whites do this all the time and I feel like we’re choosing one or the other when we can have BOTH (albeit at a slower pace for each).
I mean, you’re really sexy at this age (so you say), but if nobody is sexing you and waking up with you then what would be the point of being sexy? It sounds like the self-centered person described in the article.
My Bottom line: I believe the basis of your opinion is not the fact that you did not get married, but on the fact that you did not marry a man who would have supported growth in the areas you covered on your own. Maybe there are few of them out there, but I know at least two so we’re out there. THAT is the kind of man to marry in your 20s and since I assume you never found one, it’s good you didn’t jump the broom!
Question: Are you guys saying there are no men out there who can support your personal growth? Are you saying that being a wife is like mothering a 1 year-old? Sounds like that’s what you’re saying.
Wow EXCELLENT QUESTION and can’t wait to hear a female’s response on this one because i think this is the case for most women.
I’ll respond and say that I have found many guys who are willing and able to support someone else’s personal growth if you are also willing to support theirs. These haven’t necessarily all been romantic interests of mine but I have found in my limited experience that if you approach people, whether male or female, in an unselfish and open way they will in turn approach you the same.
I would hope being a wife isn’t like mothering a 1-year-old though. That would suck but then again if you date a man who acts immaturely I can only assume that he becomes an immature husband.
Not all guys need a mommy to support their growth. For every one chick that actually does that, there's a hundred who work against the guy because they know if he hits it big he'll be able to do better than her.
Your article coasts the surface of so many aspects that begs the question of the married 20-something adn single 30-something. This question needs to be delved into further, because the issues that you mention, perspectives for istance, are relevant. I love how you point out that 30-something year old women are quick to advise 20-somethings to not rush, be selfish…etc, yet they're crying about their singledom, and blaming ABC and everyone but themselves for their current marital state (or lack there of).
Hmmm….
Most of my friends are getting paired off or married, and quite a few are on their second marriage in their early thirties or divorced.
What I see from the 20 somethings:
The women are concerned about making money and looking cute. That's about it. Guys are pretty disposable to them, as they are capitalizing on their looks and attention. When I talk with them, they are telling me about guys sweating them and they dabble in men who ain't sh*t and not going to be sh*t. Most of the time they end up pregnant by one of them.
The guys are usually finding their way. I actually feel kind of bad for the young 20 something guys. Not many of them even have had a male around to discuss half these things with them. Most of them are making their own rules or getting cues from the media.
(Round of Applause).
Excellent article Carla, I will be sharing it with my fellow "bitter 30s".
Any idiot can get married. STAYING married is what the issue is. You're receiving marriage invites from all these 20 something people getting married is inconsequential. Keep an eye on them for the next few years to see how they pan out.
You point to people making sacrifices in their career and personal lives for the betterment of their relationship. I wonder how long until someone will feel regret for those actions. I'm in my 2nd year of law school and as much as I detest this experience, I couldn't imagine putting off this experience for the sake of a relationship. Lord knows that plans change and things happen, so once your married with kids, mortgages and all that other shit, my plan would definitely have to revolved around my family. I can't just pick up and decide where I want to go to law school. I can't spend 80 hours a week at school and then expect for my family not to suffer in the process.
In effect, I think this is a well written article, but you barely skimming off the top. Like this is surface level shit. And that's not an insult to your writing at all, but come on. 30 somethings are single and complaining while all the 20 somethings are getting married and living life. Yeah…but I think it'd have been a better point to talk about the surrounding circumstances of how they ended up that way. Then again, you did say you weren't going that deep, so I'll withhold any further criticism.
"I’m in my 2nd year of law school and as much as I detest this experience, I couldn’t imagine putting off this experience for the sake of a relationship"
I think what we are seeing is a generational shift in terms of viewing education and relationships as mutually exclusive. It's not to say that your concerns aren't valid. However, all those concerns (relocation and long hours) can apply to you just as much when you are an established lawyer (best of luck with your endeavors).
I notice couples today, not necessarily 20s v. 30s, are going back to the days when that struggle was made together. As for me, I don't think trying to infuse established lifestyles is the best thing anymore or that it is a guarantee for a perfect relationship.
"I notice couples today, not necessarily 20s v. 30s, are going back to the days when that struggle was made together."
Shapow!
An effect of education I suppose.
Like I've said before, I think our race is still young. We've only had the opportunities that our peers have had (equalish education, employment opportunities, etc.) for the last 60 years or so. It's like we're running around discovering all the shiny stuff and forgetting about the other aspects of life.
It's human nature.
I think it will even out in a couple of decades.
Or centuries.
"I notice couples today, not necessarily 20s v. 30s, are going back to the days when that struggle was made together. As for me, I don’t think trying to infuse established lifestyles is the best thing anymore or that it is a guarantee for a perfect relationship."
That's the kind of household in which I grew up. My parents struggled together for a better life. They subsequently divorced after 34 years of marriage and both took a hard financial and emotional hit.
I am a 30 something and I always wanted the mutually supportive relationship but I found in my 20's that is wasn't the women who were partying and being selfish but the men. Now in my 30's many men are wanting to settle down but many are with younger women. Men in their 40's are either still married or going through divorces so that makes them inaccessible. There are multiple variables that impact marriage.
BTW I did marry in my 20's to someone who I though would be supportive and after a long estrangement am now going through a divorce.
I agree with you that many of these early marriages may not stand the test of time but the same can be said for ANY marriage regardless of the age group.
I also think the notion of prolonging any aspect of your personal/career life is silly and referenced that I had friends who altered their plans not completely stop them to resume at a later date. I would never prolong my plans for grad school for a relationship but I would consider the idea of attending a school closer to someone I was trying to start a life with especially if I could find one in the area that was of equal or greater educational value.
It's also hard for me to go as deep would the conversation any justice in a blog entry so I chose to focus on the difference in the group's outlook of relationships. What I was commenting on was the willingness of one group to make a relationship work earlier and much more successfully over the next. Whether it works out in the long run can't be commented on right now and what I was addressing was that at some point there does need to be a sacrifice made and it seems that it is easier to make sacrifices for someone earlier on than later on when you are already established and CAN"T and aren't willing to just up and change aspects of your life.
i think alot of the 30 somethings did do the life on hold thing only for jerome to marry becky or divorce them later. thats what the 30 somethings would say anyway. but i dont really see 20 somethings as having somehow escaped a pattern that the 30 somethings couldnt. i wish it were true. i just think the 20 somethings havent completed the cycle yet. the truth is all black women are doomed to a life of loneliness if they dont take up white men, lesbianism, or doggies. sad, but true.
Now why is that? That's a lot to say without any explanation, man!
Again, trying to separate and categorize why this group is doing better than that group.
I don't hear complaining from my 30+ friends who aren't married. They are quite cool with being single OR having a long term relationship.
Again, I always say that 20 somethings treat marriage as another think checked off on their list. 1. Go to college 2. Get settled in my career 3. Find husband 4. Have kids
*Sigh*
Why can't people just do what naturally comes to them? Sure you need to earn a living, but why try to plan out everything else :-/
LIfe is boring that way
everyone is not MEANT to get married at age 28. Some don't find true love tiill 35, others 21 year old. To each his/her own.
The women giving advise about "living your life" are being ginuinely concerned about younger women. I know I am. I got married at a young age when I barely knew who I was. I was so focused on HIM that I lost ME. Get to know yourself first then fall for someone else who knows you and loves you for you as well. That is something you cannot PLAN
"Get to know yourself first then fall for someone else who knows you and loves you for you as well. That is something you cannot PLAN"
Co-Sign!
Maybe it's her usage of "single girl woes" and throwing 30 somethings into a category of self pity that has you contrary to the article. However, other than that, I don't see how anything you just said is different than the lessons she says she receives from women who are older than her.
I do agree that love can be planned but I what i don't agree with is the idea that one should not be ready for it when it enters your life. Before I even think about entering into a relationship I ask myself if I am ready and willing for this to potentially grow into something more. I don't take relationships lightly and think that trying to merge two lives into a relationship can be very difficult.
What I hear when someone tells me to "have fun" and "not get wrapped into one guy too early" is to not take the guys I may let enter into my life too seriously and ultimately be closed off to the whole idea that love and the ups and downs that come with it are an option. Why even bother dating and "having fun" if there will be no end result to it?
Off topic but I would hate for my time to be wasted and to waste another person's time. If you can't be serious then don't have a relationship. If you're not willing to make sacrifices for the other person or move the relationship towards something why start one in the first place. I was happily single for almost a year and now being in a relationship I am still having fun and finding myself. Having fun to me does not equal having to be single. I'm still the same dynamic, charismatic person I was when I wasn't in a relationship as I am now and will be the same person if the relationship ends.
Again, off topic, but if a relationship or being with someone changes you then you still aren't mature enough for marriage and should prolong getting married until you are comfortable with who YOU truly are and that can be said for all age groups.
Sorry I for the errors, I was responding on my cell phone…in the first sentence I meant to say that love can't be planned.
Sadly some people are comfortable with THEMSELVES unless they are in a serious relationship or married
One problem. You’re not really teaching a person to multi-task now are you?
You’re furthering the notion that (a) the person stops growing or (b) that she stops learning about herself when she gets married.
I had a girl I like come into town but didn’t tell me. She said she didn’t want to interrupt (busy man, mom visiting). I told her that I’ll always be busy. I don’t plan to kill my mother. She will NEVER be my only priority, so she needs to work on taking her place as ONE of my priorities.
So while I disagree with the “check the box mentality”, it’s not a zero sum game. Stop marrying lames and claiming ” I was so focused on HIM that I lost ME” because even at 30 that can happen. You’re around 30, I believe, and I’m sure you don’t think your life is over yet.
Question: Are you guys saying there are no men out there who can support your personal growth? Are you saying that being a wife is like mothering a 1 year-old? Sounds like that’s what you’re saying.
This was an interesting article.
As a single 30-something, I'll say this: I was a lot more pressed to get married when I was in my twenties than I am now.
I think you're right about the idea that 20-something women tend to be a bit more tolerant of men who have some ish to work out than 30-something women might be. I think it’s because most of us are still being programmed that we grow up, go to school, get married, and have babies. In that order. In our twenties that still seems logical and realistic and people sometimes mindlessly pursue it without stopping to think whether it’s what they actually want. Those who do complete the steps in that order end up either happily married or not.
Some women who don’t marry in their twenties (for whatever reason) enter their thirties and realize that they kind of like being single. As they get to know themselves and feel more comfortable navigating life on their own terms, marriage becomes less of an urgency than it was in their twenties. Because they're no longer in a hurry to marry, they don't see any reason to put up with real or perceived bullsh!t from men.
I tell my nieces and nephews and younger cousins that if they really want to marry and have kids, do it sooner than later. For someone who truly enjoys being single, the longer you wait the less appealing it is to give up your freedom and autonomy. I’ve known many women in their thirties and beyond who have become so set in their ways that they haven’t been able to make relationships work.
Yes, and a single woman in her 30′s is not a TRAGEDY. A single woman isn’t a tragedy or an “Issue”. Some women are cool being single :-/
Yes. But I also have to say that a woman who is getting married in her 20′s is not doing something wrong either.
I guess I’m kind of calling you out here @true2me (please don’t be mad!), but we all need to stop labeling either group as making a bad decision. The author clearly stated in the title that the work was about differences between “The SINGLE 30-Something vs. The MARRIED 20-Something”, and the entire context presumes that both WANT to get married (thus 30′s are in “a state of single girl woes”). Given that, I think the points are valid. Stay single from 20-30 and it WILL be harder to marry. Even as a man, I know that.
Your position seems to be one that is either not interested in marriage, or not tripping about it….and this article was not referring to you, but your responses don’t clearly indicate awareness of this….
People just need to live their lives. Who cares if you get married at 21 or 41. As long as your happy with your life, fuck what everyone else thinks. I'm almost 21 and I've been in a relationship for almost a year and a half. We're just going with the flow. There's no pressure. I don't feel like I'm being hindered or I'm missing out on anything. He doesn't place crazy restrictions on me and vice versa.
That’s the problem Ashleigh. See “single woman woes”. The single 30 year olds in question are not happy about being single. As for “serious” daters like you….these older women would have you believe that you can’t grow as a woman when you have a man. I feel like that’s lazy thinking….I guess you agree.
The other shapow moment :
"How exactly does one make the transition from selfishness to being able to completely cohabitate and get along with another person on the level that is required for a serious relationship?"
This goes both ways. I love it when people (male and female) say, "yeah I want to get married and have a family someday" but do nothing to prepare themselves for that experience. It's not a light switch moment that you're ready to be a wife/husband or mother/father. It takes preparation and work both on yourself and with someone else.
I know for me my dude, we're very reserved/reclusive just by nature. It takes work to realize someone is orbiting you and to consider them when making decisions or solving conflicts. It's very much an active kind of activity rather than a passive one.
Life isn't about me and mine, and my world doesn't revolve around him. It's about working together to achieve a common goal. (*starts I believe I can fly)
(The world revolves around us… LOL)
I'm 34, two of my dudes same age just got hitched. That makes about 10 of us that are married. None of their younger siblings or relatives are even close to marriage.
Yea most of my boys "went in" prior to marriage but around 28 I saw them changing.
As for me I was trapped in college and maybe I was one of those guys women didn't really wanna work with. Education may be our salvation but going to college while still at home would leave even Idris Elba searching for a date.
Ironically I have criticized my generation for wanting relationships that are void of valleys and are all peaks. I can't see most people of my era dating someone with a hole in their car (the First Lady). We grew up with New Jack City, gaudy jewelry, hustlers are the reason schools have imposed uniforms.
By the 8th grade boys were judged by girls as if we were tax paying adults (he must be in Jordans and Guess/Polo). I think that crass materialistic dating pattern got worst in college or working as a young adult.
So yea the bitter 30 somethings of either sex are probably the bozos that bought into the dating pattern of green lights and blue skies and as adults can't take a punch.
That's the question for you 20 somethings who are now walking around in LV/Gucci et al. Plus all kinds of gadgets which y'all probably don't pay the bill for.
What happens when it's rent/cable/car note & insurance time, and health care? And you still cop all the hot new shit, clothes or gadgets or both. And go to the clubs, and drink like a fish.
(realize you need to make over 50k to really flex as an young adult these days)
Will you think the other person is just "a broke motherfucker" or a responsible person acting their age?
*Damn Good post*
"By the 8th grade boys were judged by girls as if we were tax paying adults (he must be in Jordans and Guess/Polo). I think that crass materialistic dating pattern got worst in college or working as a young adult. "
^^^This
Anyone telling you otherwise is lying through their teeth too!
Of course. Girls in high school had a SERIOUS problem with eating at McDonalds for a date.
If it’s love and it’s worth it, you make it work. It’s all about choice.
I got married at 25. I switched jobs twice and cities once to be with my woman.
My best friend just recently got married. His relationship survived several years of being apart due to them seeking careers in different states, but the made a choice to be together. And they did.
I think the problem comes when one person puts the career, etc. above having a relationship.
Great post!!!! 100% co-signature!!!!!
I was at a program last night in Raleigh and I saw several sets of married couples there who were young, vibrant and happy to be married. None were black, although one of my black friends there is married and expecting and is also happy. These folks looked to be in their late 20's-early 30's and many were sharing passions/businesses that they had started together. I think that we need to stop believing that marriage is the end of life. Now it will be the end of some of the craziness(clubs all weekend, etc.), but having someone there with you in the game can help you get through drama and be stable. Plus, with the economy, can't nobody guarantee jobs and even homes sometimes. I think that has something to do with it too.
If marriage is so great then why don't I hear any of the married guys I know jumping up and down like Tom Cruise on Oprah's couch telling me about how I'm missing out. Where's the married guy talking about how the sex gets better or how she really works at keeping in shape? No, actually you hear the opposite. Blow jobs only occur on "special occasions" and you better take lots of wedding pictures because that's the last time she'll ever look hot when you're sober.
Great Article. It is #foodforthought and I will be sharing with others. Will make for great discussions!!
I stumbled upon your site on a google search. I’m not black, but I know plenty of women of all races who deal with this including myself. I have everything BUT the man. I do find that it is harder to put up with what I call ‘men inadequacies’ but have found that what I could not tolerate, some 20 year old embraced. As a 30 year old, I felt I was getting too old for the men. My past two dates said similar things when they were done with me; “you just don’t seem to need a man. I don’t feel needed.” and ” I don’t like it when you order my food.” Have I just become too self-sufficient for my own good? How do you unlearn that and become that 20 something that ‘needs’ that man? I give up.
Good stuff!