I have this Black male guy friend. He just landed on the opposite side of 30 and finds himself single. Very marriage minded; he eagerly waits for the day when he can meet that special lady and have children. He’s a successful entrepreneur in New York City. He has a devilish sense of humor. He LOVES his Momma and always conducts himself as a gentleman.
His body is cut up like a Greek statute thanks to his daily body building and yoga routines. His smile can light up a room. And above all else he is a man of principles; this guy is honest and refuses to play games with a person’s heart. So Single Black woman having trouble finding a ‘Good’ Black man…interested yet?
This worldly Libra has his own place in Brooklyn (with Brooklyn swagger included). He enjoys spoiling a lover with time, affection and attention. He travels frequently and runs in some very interesting circles. He’s also a personal trainer so you know he’s got ‘stamina’ and what Good Black woman doesn’t want that in a man?
He shoots hoops with the (equally fine) fellas! He’s a collector of African art! He’s a writer, poet and photographer! He’s also a very active and in demand MODEL!!!! Are you sold yet? Oh, yeah. There’s one more thing I forgot to mention. This single, marriage minded, eligible Black man is also bisexual. That’s not a problem, right? Because he still possesses ALL of the qualities listed above, doesn’t he?
He wants to marry a woman and have kids some day soon. Like any other man, he wants to make a baby and one day be known to the world as ‘Daddy’. He has everything these single Black women say they want in a ‘Good Black’ man, no?
Queen ‘O’s knew what to do to (further) boost her ratings during her finale season of her monumental talk show. Her latest show with author J.L. King’s revisited the topic of down low brothers. Nearly everyone who watched it noticed the exploitative undertones of the show. I doubt some Black women need encouragement or a reminder from Oprah to continue to diligently witch hunt those lowdown, down low, sneaky, whorish, lying, conniving “closeted” BLACK gay men.
Some men are living a ‘down-low’ life; just like there are straight men that fall into bed with anything with a heartbeat and put their health and the health of their loved ones at risk. There are homosexual men that are semi-closeted and only come out to their close friends and family. There are homosexual men that live their lives in total secret for professional and religious reasons. There are homosexual men that do not go ‘down low’ to satisfy their alternative sexual appetite. There are homosexual men that are happily out and F- you if you don’t like it.
In the mean time guys like my friend Corey are pushed further and further into the realm of nonexistence. The behaviors and examples of gay men that are shown in the media all seem to be specifically chosen to reinforce the stereotype of the sissified, feminine, weak male. These are the images of gay men that both female and male heterosexuals find familiar and non-threatening. Homosexual men are not thought to be threatening or taken seriously. Homosexual men are here for your entertainment; or to be your best girlfriend; or at the very least, to tighten up your Doobie.
People often confuse sexuality with gender. Sexual orientation refers to sexual desires, feelings, practices and identification. Sexual orientation can be towards people of the same or different sexes (same-sex, heterosexual or bisexual orientation). Gender identity refers to the relationship between sex and a person’s experience of self expression in relation to social categories of masculinity or femininity (gender). Sexual orientation is not something you can ‘see’ no matter how great you think your ‘gay-dar’ is. A person’s gender has nothing to do sexual orientation. There are many bisexual (and homosexual) men and women who exhibit behavior in line with traditional gender roles up to and including the desire to marry someone they love and waiting for day when it will be their turn to pop out some youngings.
But what are the odds that a Black woman would still find this “Good” Black man to still be a worthwhile catch upon learning that he is bisexual? Would these Black women who are so desperate to find a ‘soul mate’ be willing to consider life with a man who openly and honestly admits to having maintained past relationships with both men and women? If he were to commit to one woman while in a relationship I don’t feel like his sexual history with men would matter any more than a straight man’s sexual history with other women. After all, as a bi man, Corey is DEFINITELY attracted to Black woman.
I think Corey is a “Good” Black man and he will make some lucky man OR woman a fine partner one day. He’s old fashioned and is looking to settle down and have children. I think he’ll make a GREAT Dad when his time comes. Here is a BLACK MAN who isn’t a felon, nor is he a disrespectful, cheating, emotionally unavailable, underemployed, abusive, angry, low down, “down low” excuse of a Black man. I’ll take him if yall don’t want him! Rather than looking at his sexual orientation as a DISQUALIFICATION, I’m willing to bet there are plenty who would accept his sexual orientation as a part of who he is or better yet, those who would see it as a QUALIFIER, possibly making this GOOD BLACK Man, the perfect catch.
BTW, the above pics are of Corey… Holla!
Article by Rippa
Every once in a while you’re come across a writer who isn’t afraid to convey to his readers how he really feels about a subject. One who doesn’t stick to the belief that everything in life has to be about being politically correct and sugar coating the real issues that society believes in handing people on a tarnished silver platter. Born in Trinidad & Tobago, and raised in the New York City area, RiPPa’s life hasn’t been, how Langston Hughes wrote “a crystal stair”, but that stairway has enriched him with life experiences that have shaped his point of view on various subjects. Whether he’s writing about the injustices African-Americans face, politics, and the reverent or irreverent, RiPPa uses his sense of humor and sarcasm to convey his opinion, and whether others agree with him, it isn’t his concern. If you’re looking for someone who keeps up with what’s going on in society and approaches it without being political correct, then The Intersection of Madness & Reality (rippdemup.blogspot.com) should be a part of your daily reading!
Rippa has written 194 article(s) for us.
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I have a name for all my bi-sexual friends…greedy! *wink* I don’t think it’s a big deal so good luck to him.
I would think that a man who has sex with men would be a deal breaker for most women, regardless of whether he was qualified to be a great partner. It’s easy to say “what’s the big deal?” when you’re not involved. Especially if you’re not into that type of thing in the first place. I think an uneducated woman is a deal breaker. And I don’t mean college educated, because you can be educated without a degree. Regardless of whether she fit everything else I ever wanted, if talking to you is the equivalent of pulling teeth with rusty pliers, then sorry, I’m not interested. With that said, I’m interested in what type of response this will get.
This is a great article and it really just calls to question what matters most when seeking your mate. I have been hit on a bi man before and the only reasons it went no where wsa because in his case while he wasn’t closeted he wasn’t up front about it but also and the more important factor is that we just had no chemistry. I had to school someone this very week on the topic of bisexuality. Just because you are open to dating both sexes does not mean that you can’t be monogamous. That’s the #1 misconception people seem to have. They think that because you are bi you must need your fill of everyone all the time. And for the record Corey definitely (on paper at least) seems to have all the qualities I’ve been looking for. I hope he and I both eventually find the person we are meant to be with! Great article!
If dude is infact honest and has that great character you broke down, then maybe being BI wouldn’t be a deal breaker depending on the woman.
I think this was a really great article–very well written and it definitely poses some important, hard-hitting questions. My only question/concern would be not so much his ability to be monogomous, but that he would continue to desire men, as he is bisexual, therefore how would he, or could he ever be totally satisfied just being with his wife
The same really can be asked of a heterosexual man. Whether a man desires just a woman or both a man and a woman, there is still desire and the question can be asked how any man or any person can turn the desire off for someone outside of their marriage.
But sexual stimulation from a man is going to be totally different than that of a woman. I definitely see your point about the potential for always desiring something new, and sexual experiences vary from one person to the next, but if a heterosexual man sleeps with another woman, it’s the same sort of experience in general, just with a sense of newness. A woman can’t duplicate the same stimulation a bisexual man would receive from a man.
There are ways but that’s another post for another topic.
I just have a hard time with the idea that a bisexual man may not be able to suppress what can be defined as an animal urge. If he is not a sex addict and is more attracted to females than males and is willing to make his marriage with a female work, I don’t see why that would even be the issue.
It’s almost as saying that two bi females can never be happy with each other because they are missing the satisfaction of a man. The couple needs to decide what can and can not work for them and if sex from a man is that important to the male in this situation then, yes, the couple may want to hold off marriage but that definitely will not always be the case.
I would like to cosign with BVic’s concerns, but with a twist. You have to worry about straight men desiring other women, so it’s not about the fact that he might desire men per se. It’s more of a concern about being able to fulfill his sexual desires. Is he a top or bottom? Because if he likes to receive, as a woman, I could put on a strap-on (not that I would, I’m just saying), but at some point, wouldn’t he want the real thing? So I would be worried whether I could fulfill his desire for – well let’s just say it – penis. I have the same equipment the next woman has, so as long as my man only likes women & is honest, trustworthy & monogamous, I’m not concerned about my ability to satisfy him sexually.
i am smiling after reading this article, laughing after reading the comments. on a completely unrelated note, the picture of cory in the shorts is non work safe!
Yeah, um, I saw the pic and was like….O_o #nobueno. I thought it was a piece of lint on my computer screen!!
im looking at my name in the top commenters box to see how many posts i got this month and wtf? is that pointing at my screenname. no homo.
I’ve tried to figure out for myself if I would honestly be able to give a bisexual man a chance and I think unless I am faced with the situation I will never really know.
Your friend Corey does sound like a “good man” but for a lot of women bisexuality is a major turn off and dealbreaker. While I would love to say that this is not the case for me I can’t honestly say that if a guy like the one you described was to approach me that I would be 100% okay with it.
Most women would consider being with men a dealbreaker regardless of if he fits the other qualities they are looking for. What I am thinking about is his attraction; if he does get married, will his attraction for men and women decrease? Is his attraction to men stronger than his attraction to women or vice-versa? These are character questions men and women should ask of any potential mate as far as the potential and future of a relationship are concerned. As Garfield said, it is easy to stand back on your heels and say “what’s the big deal; he has all these other qualities…” That may be so, but most have minimum qualifications (or dealbreakers) and simply put, most women aren’t into men who have dealt with men for whatever the reason. It concerns me that more women in general have less qualifications and desperately want someone on their arm. This desperation or desire without considering key things about the person and the future leads to poor decision-making. Anyway, I’ll just sit back and watch how this plays out.
What I am loving about this article is that it will bring out a lot of the stereotypes black women have with bisexual men through the commentary.
People hear bisexual and they automatically think “gay whore” as in – if dude was married he would be fiending for some mangina every second. It’s no different than wanting a good man period and wandering if he is fiending for some strange every second (see what I did there). But of course women don’t see it that way it’s more like: Ewww he like mens? I bet he gon want to get with my brother after we married no uh girl, I can’t do it!
I would 100% get with a “good bisexual woman” but of course most men would. Double standard and stigmas will keep your boy Cory alone unless he goes for a woman of another culture or a gay dude. I’m just sayin.
what is “get with” ????
“most men” would do alot of things with some throw away ass.
I agree just because a man is bisexual doesn’t mean he can’t be both happy and satisfied with a female. It’s a horrible stereotype but one that a lot of people believe. If I chose not to be with a bisexual man it wouldn’t be because of this reason.
He would be definitely better off going for a Non-American woman. That’s true whether your’re straight, bisexual, or whatever.
Deal Breaker for me…what he decides to cheat, and it’s with a man…let alone a woman. I’m good. I’m tired of people stepping out of the norm. I don’t care what you do as long as you don’t do it with me. I’d rather be single then deal with a man that has slept with a man. In my mind I just can’t get with it, no more then me imagining myself sleeping with a woman and chuck it up as “having fun” No thanks.
been waiting all morning for this. surprised it didnt come sooner.
This opinion is pretty honest and reflects 99.9% of the black women I know or have known in the past. Not saying thier wrong, just pretty vanilla in their tastes which is why I said Cory should be trying women of other cultures.
i know girls who have dumped dudes just because they were too “extra” as they put it. or were questionable because they even talked about it too much, or wanted to try something they thought was weird in bed. those dudes were too questionable.
then when i bring up the whole double standard thing. how BW can be bi or even deciding but BM are gay forever, it gets ugly. ive heard crazy ish from BW on that. like wouldnt date an ex-con because they have sex with men…lol. forget they are ex cons.
thats why i was laughing. ive known alot of BW, but the vast majority are not that open minded when it comes to BM sexual identity.
ive caught flak because i read and am intelligent. granted, she was one of the worst women ive ever dated in terms of class, comportment, and character.
It’s an interesting character study and I don’t want to open this can of worms but one of the ongoing lead-ins blogging black women like to state is that their white girlfriends are married while their black friends aren’t. I always think on things like this because while a lot of white girls I know have married guys that have “experimented” in college, have been openly bisexual or have lived some seriously suspect lives, there would be no way in hell a black woman would even talk to one of these guys. I still think it’s all about “what other people will think” instead of their true personal feelings but its just easier to assume that if a man ain’t bone straight and church it up on sundays he isn’t worthy of a black woman’s time. Cory is SOL, time to start watching some Jennifer Anniston movies and swap up his flavor in women if he wants a family.
I think it’s a little unfair to imply that black women are closed-minded if we have a problem being with a bi-sexual man. Let’s remember we (black women) are disproportionately affected by HIV which is at least somewhat attributed to men sleeping with men and then sleeping with us. So if we have a fear that a bisexual man that we accept as a partner might choose to sleep with a man during the course of our relationship, please have some understanding of that fear. While I understand the argument that a bisexual man is possibly no less monogamous than a heterosexual man, the chances of your man bringing you HIV from an affair with a man is (at least slightly) more than if he had an affair with a woman.
So you wouldn’t date a bisexual man because you fear he will bring back HIV? I thought that ignorance died years ago. I read somewhere that straight men in Miami have the highest HIV rate in the country so does that mean if you meet a straight man from Miami you won’t date him either? Do you ask all of your partners to take an HIV test because any tom, dick, or harry can carry AIDS or catch it from any loose female they banged in the club last night.
I’m not going to say I’m for dating a bisexual man but I definitely am not for having him disqualified because of a silly stereotype. Personally, I’m uncomfortable with it because I never have dated a bisexual but a few years ago I was uncomfortable talking to and dating American men.
I’m not talking simple stereotypes. If you study the HIV literature, of which I am very familiar, statistically a black woman is more likely to get HIV from a man who sleeps with men than a man who doesn’t sleep with men. No stereotyping, just stats.
Actually, you should go to the CDC’s website.
Those most likely to contract HIV are individuals who engage in ‘high-risk behavior.’
These ‘high-risk behaviors’ include:
-Engaging in sexual relations with multiple, random partners.
– Inconsistent condom use
– Drug addicts who share needles.
An individual’s sexual orientation has nothing to do with these behaviors.
Please stop the ignorance. It’s 2010.
Thanks for bringing in the CDC. Of course the things you listed are cited among what is considered ‘high-risk’ behavior in general. Now read what the CDC says SPECIFICALLY about men who sleep with men:
http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/msm/index.htm
It’s not ignorance, it’s information. Excuse me if I choose to establish preferences based on information.
“A recent CDC study found that in 2008 one in five (19%) MSM in 21 major US cities were infected with HIV, and nearly half (44%) were unaware of their infection.”
That is scary! 44% didn’t even know!? Not only could they be participating in “high-risk behaviors” but they are clearly not getting tested on the regular…*SMDH*
I’m not going to pretend to be well versed on HIV statistics but I do know that statistics can and are very misleading and lead to stereotypes being made.
Statistically, as a young Black woman from the neighborhood I came from I shouldn’t have made it to college and I should have 2-3 kids running around right now. In fact, most of my friends should but in reality, statistics is only a numbers game and only proves whatever point you are trying to stress. Right now, you’re trying to justify your lack of tolerance in dating bisexual men with a stereotype that is supposed to be taken seriously because you have a statistic.
I know for a fact you don’t follow every statistic out there because it’s impossible, so why is this one any different? Because women are more likely to catch HIV from a man who sleeps with other men, it doesn’t mean they don’t catch it from men who haven’t slept with other men.
If you’re so afraid of HIV/AIDS do you ask all of the partners you have sexual intercourse with to take an AIDS test? If not, then aren’t you foolishly putting yourself at risk for the same statistical data you are swearing by right now? If you are between the age of 25-49 and are dating men between this age were you aware that this age group accounts for 2/3 of all AIDS cases in America? Does that mean you only date men younger than 22 and older than 50?
“I think it’s a little unfair to imply that black women are closed-minded if we have a problem being with a bi-sexual man.”
I agree! I would never KNOWINGLY date a bi-sexual man. Just like most men on here would never KNOWINGLY date a woman who can’t cook or a big girl. It’s called a preference…
Black women ARE closed-minded, despite not wanting to hear it the writing is right there on the wall. Everybody knows this so stop pretending as if this is an attack that comes out of nowhere. Black women tend to be the most conservative, bible beating, prudish set of the main three in the United States and most black men know this.
Sure there is a new wave of free-thinking open-minded femmes that have found it safe to come out and proclaim their exit from the tribe now in 2010 but from what I have experienced in my 3 decades on this earth black women do not like to play with anything outside of their comfort-zone.
Get mad all you want but go ahead and ask 20 people on the street and see what they say. You guys painted yourselves into that corner and the comments on this particular thread echo my sentiment.
No one’s getting mad at all, I’m just my opinion. So I guess the men on here that PREFER a smaller woman that can cook, be submisive, not be a hoe but not be a virgin are all “close-minded”. *insert c’mon son face*
Just because I have a way of thinking that does not agree with yours does not make me close minded. Again, it’s preference…We’ll just have to agree to disagree…
thats a new one. black men some of the most big boneded womens loving peoples on the planet. if anything us black menfolk seeking petites are open minded. as for all that other stuff, black men are way more tolerant as far as that goes than men of other races. damn near have to be. gregs speaking comparitively, and hes right.
“as for all that other stuff, black men are way more tolerant”
That is news to me & that is not what I or many other women that I know have experienced…my point is, it’s a preference…that is all…
are you kidding me? the whole date a white girl or latina movement is based on them being “more submissive” than the average sister. if you believe any of that stuff, it follows that white men and latina men have more submissive mates unless the white and latina girls wild out with their men and do a 180 with black dudes. i dunno.
All I can do is tell what I have experienced. I told a guy that I was dating once that I never want to have kids. We are no more…Guess he wasn’t open-minded or free-thinking enough…how do you determine who is the “close-minded” one in the situation? Motives? Popularity? Personal experience? *shrugs*
good point. it is all relative in a way.
**I’m just stating my opinion.
I don’t think it’s being close minded at all to not want to marry a bi-sexual man. I would date a bisexual woman, but I can’t say I would marry one. If she’s truly bi sexual there is a part of her I could never satisfy. If she enjoys the touch of a woman that’s something I could never give her. If I marry a hetero woman theoretically I can satisfy all of her needs. What happens if she gets that urge? I’m not trying to walk into my house and end up in my personal adaptation of “She hates me.” it’s a preference in my opinion comparable to what we look for in women.
I think has more to do with the fact that black women are doing a very good job, in general, of controlling the conversation of black male masculinity. The concept of black male masculinity is no longer determined by black men, but by the rest of society.
Not saying it’s 100% with every black woman, but with more than I am happy to admit, the intelligence quotient really speaks to a lack of masculinity. Or better translated, some black women don’t feel safe with a black man who can quote Nietsczhe, but get impressed because they have some level of street smarts.
It’s weird. The type of girls I’m drawn to (all some level of college education) are shocked that I read sometimes or that I don’t only listen to rap. They want me to talk about fighting all the time smh.
Are you dating 10th-graders?
No shade, but these chicks sound hella ignorant. Who talks about fighting all the time post-highschool?
LOL…. I thought the same thing man. I wonder where some of these cats are meeting these women. I’ve never talked to a woman who was shocked I actually read for fun, or that my musical taste is more diverse than just Jay or 3 stacks.lol…
Not literally. I was trying to paint the picture that most chicks even college level (and not bottom of the barrel in looks) are surprised when I say I’m reading or watching the News and its not for an assignment. When dudes deviate from the stereotypical black male persona (in dress, persona, habits) they are met with skepticism by their female counterparts.
i think thats what irks me the most about this topic. i feel like alot of BW have capitilized off all the feminist gender studies, but fail when it comes to how gender plays out across race. it could very, very easily be argued BM have a much smaller box of gender acceptable behaviors than BW and that BW are very very sexist in their own right.
Its about retribution and not reconciliation. The formerly oppressed want to become the oppressors.
So is it women’s job to fix the supposed small box of acceptable behaviors? Step outside the confines of that box if you want to stretch the outlook on black male masculinity. We expect black people as a whole to fix the issues within our community, not white society, so if you want black male masculinity to be defined by men, then define it. Cory is an example of someone stretching that boundary, some would argue Antoine Dobson is as well, I’m not going to comment on that. But the woe is the black man because black women have called him out on some of his stuff outlook has got to go.
White girls can be wild and sexually free and open and in the next breath be damsels in distress or victims that must be protected. Let a black woman try that–you won’t get the same reaction. Now I can apply the same logic here as well– if black women want to expand the confines of their sexuality then it’s up to them to define it. IF they have the desire to engage in that type of behavior. I’m not sure they do. And seriously, I don’t think kissing girls while sloppily drunk leaving a keg party is the first step toward getting down the aisle.
who said anything about it being black women’s job to address anything but their own ish?
just dont be the main participants.
I wonder if it has something to do with black women bearing a lot of the responsibility of raising black men.
I appreciate this guys honesty. For me, it’s not on that “what if he cheats on me with a man,” because hetero dudes do the same. Cheating is cheating is cheating.
It’s more of a physiological aspect. Like…he submits himself to another man physically. I know how vulnerable and open I have to be during sex, and I don’t know that I’m comforable with another man assuming that role, which I identify as qualities of feminine gender.
I have a right to my preferences and I PREFER not to KNOWINGLY date a bisexual man
*shrugs*
As a woman, knowing that a man has been with other men or is sexually attracted to men in addition to women is something that detracts from his appeal. The issue is in where the “equipment” has been, and what has been done to it. More importantly, it is difficult to mentally separate the bi-sexual male from the homosexual male. In our society, you are either a gay man or a straight man. There is no wriggle room no matter the truth of the sexual orientation. While my mind cannot wrap itself around the idea of being with a bi-sexual man, I am also honest enough to say that if I were attracted enough to the man as a whole, I would be open to exploring a relationship. However, the future of such a relationship could be jeopardized by my attempts to understand the reason he is now with a woman and doubts about his genuine affection for me. Is it simply because he knows that he cannot make children with another man?
Anyone who lists the past locations of the gentleman’s “equipment” as a detraction has to be more than a little naive about sex; Women (of all races!) take it in the chocolate starfish too. As long as the 1st place he puts his thing into is a condom I would not have a problem.
“chocolate starfish” — Yes she did lol
No she didn’t! LMAO!
You said what I was thinking but I take it that Alasley is a missionary sex and only on the 3rd friday of the month type of gal.
Not naive in the least about sex…by “equipment” I was referring to the enire package, in other words, the man’s the whole body.
I do not buy in to the whole “He marries a woman, but is still attracted/lusting for a man” or any of those sorts of infidelity notions. The same could be (and is!)said about heterosexual persons and their continued lust for more people of that opposite sex. Just like a heterosexual person, if Corey decides to commit to one person — that should be the end of that. Regardless of whether he commits to a male or female.
One of the qualities that I am looking for in my partner is strict heterosexuality. If he is bi-sexual, although he may surpass every other quality test to a tee, he is not a candidate for me.
That’s all folks.
Hmmm. Whats up Corey?!?! I think I will be down to date a bisexual black man. I think knowing who you are is a very attractive quality. He seems to have a good sense of himself. His bisexuality would not be an issue with me…as long as he is sure its not a stopping point to gay. A good man is hard to find…bisexuality would not take him out the running for me.
Would a black man not date a woman because she is bisexual? Or is this just an issue with black woman dating black men?
See my comment up at 19, trust if Corey was a female the commentary would be nothing like you’ve read here, hell I doubt it would have more than 5 comments – 4 being dudes saying they’d be down with her and one being a black woman talking about how nasty lesbians are.
Honestly, I don’t know. I’d have to get to know old boy and his behaviors better before I make that judgment. Sexuality is fluid as hell. Hell, I consider myself to be primarily attracted to men but I’m not gonna act like some chicks aren’t CGI. *kanye shrug*
woman ladies wives are all freaks they all do different things sexually. That Brother will find him one that LOVES that kinky freaky item of discussion and they can live happyily ever after. This is just sexually… I dont know a woman that can really complain. Im 26 and i havent met one lady that was interested in me that I couldnt turn Bi for at least a night. And I am not saying I have done it but I play them mind games with my babe so i can know. And I hope you ladies are playing mind games with your mans MANHOOD on regular basis. Because what this all is insinuating is that men are just as GAY as women now days and we all know yall are some SEXYNASTYMF (dont get me wrong we love it thats why yall do it). but as for the brother in the story he cool keep looking, step ya game up…
I’m not homophobic or any thing, hell I live in San Francisco, I can’t be haha.
But honestly, is there a difference between a Bi-dude and a Gay-dude? In my opinion, once a Man bats for the other team, there is no coming back.
It’s like running a red light at a busy intersection, once you do it, you can’t throw it in reverse.
I don’t see the issue.
Agreed. I’m glad someone else shares my opinion on the topic.
Ditto from a straight woman. Taking things slow, getting to know one another, communication, testing, and monogamy all make a difference. Do the nay-sayers react the same when their heterosexual male partners run up in all kinds of raw pussy and “chocolate starfish”?
I’ll wait.
*crickets*
its just some things inherently in life that will always be the status quo…i.e. a woman sleeping with to many dudes is a hoe, or a man will always be forgiven faster than a woman will for cheating, or in the case of this article any black dude screwing another dude is automatically deemed gay, which I am in agreement with to, cause if you poken dudes you are gay in my book, and most black women at the end of the day don’t want to deal with that because they have been raised to go after a man not some fudge packin sailor..
Sometimes I feel like the black community is just one big experiment and people promote whatever idea or fad and just see what works. This discussion reminds me of Malcolm X’s quote about uniting bananas with scattered leaves. Do we not realize that our disarray is actually terrifying to Africans in the diaspora, much less other ethnic groups. The man is bi-sexual. This means that he has an interest that can never be satisfied by a woman. It’s not like marrying a blond but liking brunettes. Do you really want to set your girl up for disaster like this? Really?
Yeah I know it doesn’t matter or its hetero-normative or something else that white folks told us in grad school, (cuz we know for damn sure we ain’t learn that no where else) but when are we going to focus on creating social relationships that will serve to build our community? This is a hot mess. Period.
I strongly agree here. SMH. The notion is too much for the average sistah to take and why should she even have to, unless she herself has lived alternate lifestyles and is not bothered by his appetities.
Why can’t a woman just want hetero man without being deemed close minded.
“Why can’t a woman just want hetero man without being deemed close minded.”
When you find out, let me know!
Yea, um…I’ve never encountered this fine specimen in my dating travels. Because if I would have, I’d so hit on him. Just saying.
But yeah. Why is there a double standard? Why is it that hetero men are happy to date bisexual women, but a hetero woman is so turned off at the thought of her man being interested in another man. If anything, they should find it comforting that the man is so open with his sexuality. I personally am unbiased when it comes to love: man, woman, black, white, straight, bi – I wasn’t born knowing what form my soul mate will take, therefore, I’m not going to be biased, although, as everyone else, I have my preferences.
Point: If he’s a good man, he’s a good man. Everyone has their “quirks” – if you can’t see past them, then you are not deserving of that person.
This may be an unpopular opinion, but If you can have your preference to engage in a relationship/activities with man (or woman) who is bisexual, I should be able to have my preference to engage in a relationship/activities with a man who is and has always been heterosexual. Everything is not for everybody…The whole notion of “preference” goes both ways in my opinion.
Naw…according to some of the above commenters, it’s called being “close-minded”…*insert eye roll*
This isn’t a black woman/male thing, it’s an American society thing. It’s more acceptable to be a bi-sexual or tri-sexual female than a male. Males of any race are more likely to date a bi-sexual female, than a woman of any race are likely to date a bi-sexual male. Bi-sexual women are portrayed in our culture as sexy, bi-sexual men..not so much. Corey may have more luck with women outside of his race, but not much more…believe that. He might have more luck with women from another country, but only from very specific countries…I doubt any Saudi women would jump at his bi-sexuality.
And you know who started and continues to perpetuate this double standard…MEN! The same men that will clap for two women making out, but will be disgusted by two men making out. Here is to yall!
Preach!!
“The same men that will clap for two women making out, but will be disgusted by two men making out.”
*Passes around the collection plate*
It is in my most humble opinion that i would not knowingly date a man who ACTIVELY engages in sexual intercourse,or sexual acts with other men.
Just as if I would not date someone who is actively smoking crack, robbing banks molesting children.. and the list goes on.
While I do agree that we love who we love, it would be very hard to imagine a man that I love sharing a passionate embrace with another person be it man or woman.
again it deffinently comes down to preference. some men wont date women who have children, who haven’t graduated college etc etc
just my personal opinion..dont take it personal
My sentiments exactly…
I like to think that I’m open-minded and non judgmental. With that being said yes, I would date a bisexual man if he possessed the qualities I look for in a guy. If he’s trustworthy, honest and committed to being in a monogamous relationship with me I’d do the same for him. This also applies for heterosexual males, no liars or cheaters. Guess that makes me an equal opportunity dater.
I am really feeling this discussion, and definitely feel @rippa for broaching a really tough subject. We need more of these conversations if we are to move forward as a community, and stop so much of the unnecessary foolishness and drama. I’m a young-20 something living in DC. I’m BI, and after ‘coming out’ to a 2-year plus girlfriend, it was over, despite me being very monogamous and excited about our prospects for the future, guess she wasn’t it… I didn’t really see the problem since I wasn’t engaging in the behavior? SO for me, the conversation becomes, what is black masculinity and sexuality, and frankly I’m tired of it [black masculinity] being as insular and singular as what we see on television…that many black women refuse to expand their definitions, despite the fact that they’ll glad ‘experiment, and try new-things.. just so they can be sure?
Maybe you should have come out in the beginning. A woman is bound to think “well if he didnt tell me that in the beginning, what else is he hiding”.
Seriously, my first thought was ‘way too much competition’. Men are, in general ,very primal and even though he is honest (kudos) ;the thought would always be in the back of my head while at home rocking our baby is “Does he need to quench his OTHER thirst every now and again?” Bad enough worrying about women and here comes this specimen that likes both (nothing wrong with it, cause we are who we are).
Men are also the same in the sense that they don’t get emotionally attached and he could find himself in a win/win situation really fast with another man that does not mind the ‘hit and quit’. Meanwhile, the wife is not aware until someone gets hurt or catches something.
My advice to him would be to maybe look for a bi-sexual woman that realy understands him throuhg and through? Who knows? Maybe he can really have a win/win situation on his hands with all that Bi-sexual action going on around there with and his woman.
But, his honesty is refreshing and needed. I wish him the utmost happiness wherever he finds love.
Just because a woman is bisexual that doesnt mean she will accept a bisexual man.
This whole notion that WE are all the same and, therefore, WE do/don’t like the same things is complete bullshit. My experience is different from the next woman’s experience and vice versa. So the blanket assumption that ALL Black women wouldn’t date a bisexual man or an atheist or (insert generalization here) is bullshit. All my kinfolk ain’t my kinfolk. (Zora)
And yes, there are general gender norms/mores when it comes to relationships, i.e. The man should be the household protector & provider, etc. Why are non- straight men excluded from his category?
Gonna walk away before I disown my skinfolk. :-/
Correction: all my SKINfolk ain’t my kinfolk.
Two years later I would have left as well feeling as though I had been deceived willingly and knowingly by you, that the you I thought you were, was just a facade, a figment of my imagination, that was conviently ran with for 2 years. When getting to know people, how can they know get to know who you really are, when you don’t give them that option. Choice based on truth.
*should have been posted in response to Jimmy*
Umm I find this most hilarious @the comments that are going on about black women not being open minded.Especially coming from black men who kill eachother for little dumb ish.
The demonization of AA gay and bisexual men has come from OTHER BLACK MEN. From the jail to the streets to the pulpit AA gay and bi men have not been safe from OTHER BLACK MEN.
Good luck to you Cory.Date/Marry who you wish and if black women are as desperate as alot of you haters here spout off he’ll be finding himself a bw to marry real soon.Even if she doesn’t like what he is doing she’ll turn a blind eye.Too bad Phaedra is taken.She would have married him for sure.
Cory I think your’e handsome and I am so happy that you have achieved success in life and I want you to know that even though it kills me that you and I won’t ever have a relationship…or frivilous sex:( I respect your honesty and I do wish you all the love and hapiness in the world with whatever woman of whatever religion, race,class,color or creed you find it with.
Good luck and God bless Cory.
I’m sorry where can i find him? if he reads this tell him to email me! its yeahthatsjustme@yahoo.com
i will be waiting cory =)
Since when is having a preference in who I date called being “closed minded”??? Am I “closed minded” because I don’t date short guys (considering I stand 5’11) or I prefer dark men over light men? Who I date is MY business, just as who Corey dates is his. I find it highly offensive th at I am being judged because of who I decide I want to have a life with, make babies with, grow old and gray with. I have no problem with men like Corey, who are honest about their sexuality, in fact, I commend them for it. We can hang out, be friends, and vibe, however I would NOT marry a bi-sexual man nor will I (knowingly) sleep with one. And it’s my prerogative *singing* I can do what I wanna do* lol. Its MY heart, MY soul, My body, My goodies and I choose who I want to give them to, not society. Relationships are hard enough as is, why complicate things more by bringing bi-sexuality in the mix?
How do you feel about being judged for being gay? Sucks right? So why are you judging me for being straight and wanting a straight man? smh hypocrites!
Bisexual man who is definitely attracted to black woman……Jeeee thanks, Good for him for being a success man that is upfront and true to himself and to others. I can respect him all the way, a stand up guy. But with my “small mindedness” I would always wonder if he is a bottom or top, if he is bleeding, if he is thinking about me or him while we are in bed. I would be a nervous wreck. At least when I stalk my straight boyfriend I can count the other sex out and that helps.
I personally would not have a problem dating a bisexual man. I have bisexual male friends and they are just amazing men. What does who they are sleeping with have to do with anything. As long as these men are safe, honest and good to you, I don’t see an issue. But, that’s my opinion. Every woman has her preference.
I think it’s refreshing to see he has all of these wonderful qualitifes as a man. Me being a straight woman will see this as a deal break for me. I hope he does find someone he can be with that’ll be able to except him being bi-sexual. But, for me personally I feel this way: this isn’t a birthday party, you don’t get both cake and ice cream, it’s either one or the other. So that being said I wouldn’t be able to date or marry a bi-sexual man. It’s not in me to be able to muster the strength to love someone knowing he has the same emotions and feelings for me towards a man as well. Good luck with love.
so why doesn’t he hook up with a bi gurl and live happy ever after?
Maybe a Bi man can love you in a way no other man can. The caring heart of a gay man with the sex drive of a straight man? Perhaps the best way of looking at it is not a problem at all, but a wonderful positive situation, and the person who gets to marry a Bi man is a lucky women and she will go on to have a wonderful marriage that is warm and full of love and care. Emotional distance from men would be one of the main problems in marriage as people grow older isn’t it? When I look at how bottled up my brothers and male friends are all I can think is who ever ends up with them will be very lonely.
Ewww! Never fucking never. I would rather die than fucking knowingly let some butt hole plugger have sex with me. Society is sick and it’s absolutely pathetic that no one sees anything wrong with this. If a man had sex with me and later revealed he is a gay I would be tempted to kill his raggedy behind. No! Just NO. I’m not down with everything. Homosexuality is deviant an abomination against God.
Wow, seriously?
This guy is BI, as in he likes both women AND men. A gay man probably wouldnt want you, duh. And “butthole plugger”? What’re you, 5? Women can have anal sex too, stupid.
Also, if you’re having sex with a dude before marriage aren’t you already being a deviant against God? yous a silly child.
there is no God don’t worry about it
No disrespect to the gay community but regardless of what title they use to describe themselves is still gay period lol! I could never understand the beauty of a man’s asshole and dick lol!
01.12.11.
Oi, Sexual Politics!
Lovely article by Tracy Renee Jones. Thanks for posting here!
So far I am definitely interested in this friend of Tracy’s named “Corey”. Hopefully he is not ageist, will consider adoption rather than “further my own bloodline” procreation, and does not take issue with multi-racial or kinky women.
If he is open to us “alternative” people of colour then I do hope that Tracy will alert Corey to http://www.AfroPunk.com and the ‘Afro 2 Afro’ group located here.
If anyone here is in touch with Tracy please forward my profile name/info/URL: http://www.afropunk.com/profile/Domina
Thanks, Sexual Politics and Tracy Renee Jones, and best wishes to Corey and the rest of us single and seeking to not be single queer / pan / bi folk!
: )
Well…Something about being with someone who is attracted to something that I can’t offer scares me. It’s just not really something I’m willing to try. Does that make me close minded? To that particular thing, yes. Just like my unwillingness to date white guys makes me kinda racist on some level…I acknowledge it.
People keep saying competition and cheating, while acknowledging this is true in hetero/hetero relationships. Or they say they’d worry about blah blah blah, but my question is, do you worry constantly about the straight men you’re sleeping with like that?
And the HIV non-sense. Is your sexual health your responsibility or someone else’s? Just short of being raped or a bad transfusion, you can’t catch HIV if you’re diligent about protecting yourself. If you catch a disease, its because you engaged in risky behavior. Being monogamous or married doesn’t make the behavior less risky.
Or they say,”he has a need I can’t satisfy” Cuz I guess a vagina-less man will always be able to “satisfy” a bisexual man? Maybe he should be forced to only date hermaphrodites, since they have both organs?
I don’t get why people think because they have the right to a preference it means its not also intolerant. It can be both and either way, it doesn’t make you a bad person. You can’t help how you feel, particularly if you’re ignorant to the complexities of the situation or have been miseducated by statistics & rhetoric designed to form your opinion around someone else’s agenda. If people focused less on treating people how we perceive others to be & more on recognizing the source of our ideas & being more rational, we’d all probably have happy, healthy marriages.
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