*Inspired by this right here and the all around awesomeness that is Jacylyn Friedman.*
I deeply want to eradicate any language that describes sex as an act that is given by a woman to a man: Are you gonna let him hit? Should I give him some? She gave it up last night, dog. Rather, I should say I want to destroy the attitudes about sex that implicate it as anything less than an equal exchange between two consenting parties. If we didn’t look at sex as a woman “giving it up”, then I wouldn’t care less if a woman was inclined to say she “gave him some”. Because the implication would be that he gave her something, too.
I’ve gotten the same questions repeatedly from friends regarding my past casual sex partners (not necessarily the specific men in question, but the entire concept of a casual sex partner as a whole): “Does he really respect you?”, ” Are you f*cking or getting f*cked?”, “Why would you give it up to someone who doesn’t want to be with you?” My answers have remained consistent: “As much as I respect him, as far as I can see.”, “Nobody’s getting f*cked, we’re both having sex. We have an arrangement and it works.”, “I don’t want to be with him either and I want to have me some sex.”
I may mess around and use the word ‘f*cking’ interchangeably with the term ‘having sex’, but I abhor the concept. Ain’t nobody f*cking me. We are doing something together. Both of us. Adults. Interested in pleasing and being pleased. This goes for the otherwise platonic homeboy I might have had a tryst with, the fella that I found was not a match for me outside the bedroom, but a perfect fit in between the sheets and any man who I might be dating with the potential of a more emotionally significant relationship.
And what about the men? Well, as far as both my past casual sex partners and any past or present romantic interests go, I’ve never entertained anyone who showed any discernible lack of respect for me for any longer than it took me to identify said lack of respect. Have I dated or bedded any men who identified as feminists? No. There aren’t that many Black male self-identified feminists running the streets of Brooklyn, if you can believe it. Have I dealt with men who I would label as somewhat feminist or overtly pro-female in ideology and practice? Yes! And the older I get, the more of them I meet (Glory, glory, hallelujah! I might just find me a husband yet!). So I haven’t been made to feel like anyone thought they were f*cking me or if I was just giving somebody some. It can’t be about giving and getting for me; we sharing something.
Because I have a naturally competitive nature in the bedroom and have always gotten a thrill from putting it down on someone (almost as much a thrill as I get from having a brother put it on me), I used to joke to myself and my girls: “He ain’t f*cking me, I’m f*cking HIM!” But I don’t even put that energy out there at all anymore. If we’re gonna do it it, lets be grownups. Let’s have some fun and respect each other as equals and be discreet and safe and level-headed about it. That’s the only way I can do it. Sex positive. Empowered to pleasure seek and pleasure give in the spirit of respect.
Article by Sister Toldja
Sister Toldja is a 20-something Chicago native and graduate of Howard University. Equal parts sass and sensitivity, she describes herself as “a Hip-Hop Denise Huxtable, who dreams of growing up to be Claire“. Her daily blog, The Beautiful Struggler: Me, Myself, An Eye gives readers an up close view of all the stunts, pratfalls, and revolutions of this artist/Earth mother/barfly/scribe. As she will readily tell you, she doesn’t have anything to prove to anyone, but she definitely has a whole lot to share.Since 2006, Sister Toldja has galvanized a broad national audience with her meditations on race, culture, relationships and her own less-than-ordinary life. She is the spiritual daughter of Michele Wallace and Wendy Williams: equal parts feminist and funky diva, interested in Black power and happy hour, freedom and five-inch heels. Her contradictions make her a great example of what the modern woman is: no longer struggling to fit all her parts in a box and living beyond boundaries.Sister Toldja is a 2007 and 2008 Black Weblog Award Winner for Best Personal Blog (Popular Vote) and has conducted/participated in numerous panel discussions about social media networking women’s issues and relationships. She has also done a number of radio appearances, including NPR’s “All Things Considered” and “Al B. In The Afternoon” on Philadelphia’s 900AM WURD. Sister Toldja is a contributor for the upcoming anthology Bet on Black: African-American Women Celebrate Fatherhood in the Age of Barack Obama and has been published in Essence Magazine. She resides in Brooklyn.
Sister has written 63 article(s) for us.
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I always find it interesting when we draw these distinctions. The reality is, the physical act of having sex between a man and woman will always have the woman ACCEPTING a part of a man so no matter how much you'd like to coin different terminology to make yourself feel better for having casual (or not so casual) sex, it still is what it is.
i agree. they're all about it being a mutual act, that is until a man 'gets' them pregnant.
I think that's certainly interesting. Because yes, the terminology exists that "she gave it up" or is "she going to give it up" but when she gets pregnant it's clear that "he GOT her pregnant."
Hmmm….
even though ole girl provided the target the guy did the shooting so he did get her preggers. he shouldve shot into something, or aimed far from the egg bystanders, like onto the bed…or he should have not pulled the trigger. in law they call it last opportunity. he had the last opportunity to prevent the state of preggers.
I don't see where this piece presented to make a distinction about what the 'act' of sex is; rather SisterT pointed out there is an exchange happening between the two parties. Not the woman giving, not the man obtaining. A woman may 'accept' a man into her body likewise the man also has to 'accept' the invitation to have sex with her.
Why did I read this article and think about you, just about the entire time. LOL Crazy…
Interesting yet very obvious take, with the comment… "I'm not being f*cked".. . because it is definitely a mutual exchange, when speaking on the act of "knocking the boots" … "slapping skins" if you will. At the end of the day, save for the holy rollers and those that choose to save themselves until marriage, I'm all for anyone engaging in the act as long as they are safe and smart with who they are dealing with. A woman is just as entitled to some sexual gratification as a man is, and should indulge if that need arises.
Strangers and even friends, spend too much time judging (consciously or sub-consciously) what people do. How they interact with the opposite sex. When truthfully its none of their business. As long as you aren't running around hopping on every telephone pole that gets erected in any given neighborhood… ENJOY!
I think the terminology really comes more from basic human anatomy than anything else.
The man inserts his penis into a vagina; a veritable stick into a hole. We couldn't do nothing with it if the woman never allowed it to happen. Her receptiveness to what is offered I think would engender a phrase such as "giving it up."
Arguably though, sex really is about two consenting adults being mutual in their bedroom affairs.
“Giving it up” comes from the vagina being a gift to her man in exchange for marriage. We should be off that now, but I guess some things don’t change
Physiologically; however, we cannot take the penis unless it is ‘ready.’ (Ya ever try stuffing balogne back into the package…not so easy) A man can ‘take’ the vagina whether it’s ‘ready’ or not.
I enjoy sexytime as much as the next person; however, there was a long period where I didn’t think it was designed for women. The physical act (not all the 4play) only happens if the man is ready/capable and it ends when the man is complete…which is a way easier process, generally speaking. I’m not sure where I really stand on it now, other than having the thought process that I don’t want to have sexytime unless somebody is really going to care and put in the work.
Very interesting comment:
“The physical act (not all the 4play) only happens if the man is ready/capable and it ends when the man is complete…which is a way easier process, generally speaking.”
I once heard a joke that said, “How do two lesbians know they are done having sex?” Not to offend anyone, but I couldn’t answer that question.
Yeah…both parties should put in the work. But that’s why a man really performs much better with a given woman after lots of practice. Just sayin.
Love this article because this is something I’m ALWAYS preaching. Sexual equality.
NO women don’t get “easily attached” more than men. No women don’t fall for every man they screw. Yes women can enjoy sex as much as men and don’t want a relationship. No she isn’t a slut or easy or trifling or a ho or nothing like that. No she isn’t selling herself short. She is getting the same thing he is getting..A NUT!!!
I hate that women and men place so much value on the vagina, like that is all women are worth. Further, they put a lot of value on the penis, allowing a penis to define how valuable they are as a mate. “If you had x amount of partners I can’t wife you” REALLY THO? I am so much more than what’s between MY legs and YOURS. I’m an actual person aside from my chastity. I don’t need to be a virgin anymore because women are allowed to vote and work side by side with men. My value comes from other places now. Soooo miss me with that. This is still a patriarchal society :-/, eh..so we got a ways to go.
I’m all for you enjoying sexual pleasure long as you aren’t hurting anyone. PERIOD. 2 grown consenting adults who don’t want much more than the sex act themselves…There is nothing like it.
Hell I may be the one to screw YOU and not call YOU BACK
The only problem with equality is that it is not necessarily aspired to. Personally, I recognize more and more women with your perspective, but I in terms of anecdotal evidence that I know, I’m still unconvinced that
“NO women don’t get “easily attached” more than men. No women don’t fall for every man they screw. ”
Although I do agree that:
“Yes women CAN* enjoy sex as much as men and don’t want a relationship.”
*emphasis on “can”; as in I haven’t met many that can do this under age 30. In my experience, that ability often comes after certain women have had children and are still single, or are single past their “ideal” marrying age and accept that they have to “get it” somehow.
At the same time, men front like sex doesn’t get them “attached”. For some it does. For most, it’s a possessive kind of attachment, like they’ve claimed the “property” and don’t want someone else “using” it. Explains why they don’t date their friends’ exes….
I’ve met many women under 30 (I’m also one of them) who enjoys sex without a commitment. I will say that I do believe there is a stigma with this mentality at a young age with people in my age group so a lot of younger women will put on a front to save face and not be perceived as some type of hoe.
“I will say that I do believe there is a stigma with this mentality at a young age with people in my age group so a lot of younger women will put on a front to save face and not be perceived as some type of hoe.”
I guess I can’t disagree with that. I’ve seen “good girls” turn bad VERY easily ….I got suspicious of whether they were good to begin with.
Not trying to be a b*tch and laugh at the “logic” behind ‘giving it up’ that some folks have presented, but it doesn’t make sense. If we think the language is merely about one body as a receiver and the other as a transmitter, wouldn’t the man be “giving” the penis to the woman’s waiting vagina?
But we educated Negroes know better than to think it’s that simple, right?
Whatever, I don’t allow the risk of oxytocin (look it up) taking over my emotions, possibly getting knocked up by a man that wants to have sex with me, but not much else from me. Vibrators/Massagers are okay people. They get ya through those interim periods of dry spells.
I will say that this thought is an evolution of where I am today.
I like the sentiment if we can change the verbiage maybe these women will stop acting like they are doing us a favor. The vagina in general and yours specifically isn’t that special. Some chicks act like it is the gateway to the garden of eden.
“if we can change the verbiage maybe these women will stop acting like they are doing us a favor. ”
Thank you and good night.
they can also miss me with the beauty of the vagina ;vagina monologues, type bullshit. Real talk that shit looks like the mouth of the predator on a good day.
And a penis looks like a mutilated snausage that was ran through the meat grinder and then shocked by electricity.
Don’t let me talk about the ballz
perhaps but we don’t run around talking about the beauty or doing plays or talk shows.
iDied at the mouth of predator….
LOVE IT
@ blackchild 4 Prez
So, can I vote for you now for Prez or do I have to wait until Nov. 4?
You must have been in the backseat of the car when I was having the exact same argument w/ my girl who tried to throw the line of “I am giving you sex, which equals to getting anniversary dinners and you showing me that you love me.” I was ready to “wile out” on her b/c that line is so tired. It gives the appearance that “all guys need is sex to be happy”
Because men gauge how worthy or worthwhile or valuable a woman is based on how many sex partners she had or didn’t have rather. That’s what it usually boils down to. Therefore, we get the idea from MEN that our cooters are valuable.
But like some other male posters state it, they are gettting away from that. YAY!!!
I say apply the golden rule. You have 100 partners, it shouldn’t be a problem if she has too. Don’t make excuses for it by saying men and women are different. The day you bagged number 100, you should be thinking about the fact that you are at least accepting (if not endorsing) similar behavior by a future partner.
Look in the mirror…
Cosign this entire post! Now put out a world wide PSA on this ish because apparently, alot of men (and I use that term loosely) believe that the woman should be damn near a virgin or at least can count all their partners on one hand at the age of 30! *rolls eyes*
Agreed.
I resent the concept of a woman “doing the man a favor” by having sex with him. Though I understand that it is natural for humans to exploit their resources to their own advantage. In a perfect world, relationships wouldn’t be based on power. In this world, we use what we have to get what we want. Relationships are no exception.
what happened to the thumbs up option? i want to thumbs up this.
lmao at mouth of the predator, though i have to disagree.
hello
Interesting concept. I agree that it should be seen as a mutual act rather than a woman “giving it up” or as some others noted, that a woman is doing a man a favor.
There’s an article somewhere on this site that says it’s a myth that men want sex more than women (I think it’s on this site).
Frankly, I have MUCH reason to believe that women want sex or like sex MORE than men do. I’m leaning towards this as an my actual perspective EVERY day.
I agree that this is true as well.
*agrees as well*
Remember the female organ has 3000+ nerve endings, the male only 300+
WE WANT IT JUST AS MUCH IF NOT MORE
I wasn’t going to start arguing it, but….yeah….you got it.