This is for the undergrads.
Ok so as I was watching my girl Judy on TV the other day, you all may know her as Judge Judy, yeah her, she was dealing with a baby mama drama case where the girl wanted some money from her baby daddy. The girl was telling her side of the story and in the beginning said that she and her baby’s father had broken up and she put him out due to “marijuana usage”.
So later in the girl’s story she said that after they reconciled the guy cheated on her and I thank God that my girl Judy cut her up for that. She told her that that was a lie basically because for one, she kicked him out; secondly, they were not married, so there’s no way “cheating” took place.
What I’m getting to here is, what the hell is a boyfriend?! I know previously as a culture we decided that by like mid-20s that word should be abolished but I’m proposing it be abolished after high school. Please tell me what a boyfriend/girlfriend is and how it fits into your journey to become a man/woman because I don’t see it. I stopped believing in that boyfriend-girlfriend thing right after high school.
Boyfriend/girlfriend is a title. That’s it. In no way, shape, or form does it signify commitment. Y’all can keep getting tricked into being “wifey” or his “girlfriend” forever if y’all want to, but I’m taking a different route. We all know one too many “girlfriends” that wouldn’t be so self-righteous if they knew what their “boyfriends” were really up to.
The way I see it, getting a guy to commit to this title first does not, nor has it ever guaranteed that you will see a ring, so why commit yourself to someone that’s not going to be around ‘till death do you part?
Ain’t gone happen over here.
One day I was just thinking and was like, “Ok so I want a guy to kick it with all the time and maybe do a little bump and grind,” but then I was like, “I’m a busy girl. I don’t have time to maintain a real relationship right now,” and then I was like, “and even if I do get me a man, I’m not trying to be his girlfriend forever and ever, we’ll eventually have to break-up if he doesn’t propose around the time I’m ready to settle down or he’ll cheat or we’ll grow apart.”
Then it hit me, why should I even have to go through that for a maybe? This ain’t spades and I ain’t putting no money on no possibles.
To me, commitment is a guy going out and getting a ring, asking my friends if they like it, discussing it with his boys and our families, then nervously getting down on one knee in a super cute setting that he planned out on his own.
Anything other than that is redundant. Why should I ever be stressed about a relationship that isn’t recognized by anybody’s God, nor does it affect my taxes? I shouldn’t. Nobody should.
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand that you can’t control when you fall in love and I’m not suggesting that you postpone the feelings until marriage and I’m definitely not saying that slutting until then is acceptable but chill out.
What is the point in fully committing to someone you may or may not spend your life with? You can figure out if you want to marry that person without a title. As a matter of fact, that’s a better way to do it because there’s no reason to lie to each other about anything if you don’t “go together.”
I’m not saying this is easy. It’s not at all. You have to be secure and trusting in order for it to work. But it’s much easier than a relationship. Imagine a life where you can do you and he/she can do them. No hurt feelings. No broken promises. No driving by his house to see who’s over there. Then when it’s the right time for the both of you, commit, settle down, have a Leroy and a Patricia. If those times don’t coincide, move on.
Now before you totally disregard my premise, ask yourself why you’re so against it? Why does the idea of going from love to marriage, and not boyfriend-girlfriend to love to marriage seem so ridiculous? Not because it’s crazy. It’s because it’s different.
It’s crazy to me that for so long we’ve been ok with putting so much energy into a person we only “like” and aren’t sure if we’ll love yet. Once in a relationship, we inevitably think it’s love after a while because that’s just what’s supposed to happen right?
As young people, we get so caught up in that giddy feeling of infatuation that we forget about reality, until it slaps us in the face. Live your life. Make your dreams come true. Don’t make love a chore. And when you’ve lived enough and seen enough, decide to live and see forever with another.
It breaks my heart to see so many women out there who have NEVER had time solely to work on them. Not even just young mothers, the women who go from boyfriend to boyfriend from kindergarten to the alter deal with the same thing mentally. If you’ve always been attached to someone else, there’s no way you know who you are.
That period where you no longer live with your parents and have no one to worry about but you is probably the most necessary, deciding factor in your life. Stop being so dependent on the relationships you form, expecting those to give you happiness.
I think a much stronger bond is created when you’re free to see whomever you want but that one girl/guy is always in the back of your mind. You’ll always return to him or her not because you made a baseless commitment to them, but because that’s where your heart is.
That’s love – the kind of love that can make a marriage last. I want to look at my future husband every day and know that we’re both here by choice. Not because I got knocked up while shacking up, not because I was his longtime girlfriend so he figured he owed me the ring, and certainly not because I gave him an ultimatum.
I want to marry my best friend, not my boyfriend. Most importantly, I want to know exactly who I am and serve myself and my needs before I try to give another person my all. If you haven’t done that “soul-searching,” how much do you really have to give?
Article by Andraya Mays
: I am a college student born and raised in Cincinnati, OH, currently attending the University of Cincinnati. Writing was my first love and it's now a tool that helps me breathe. I don't like to be told what I can and can't write, well, scratch that, I don't like to be told what I can and can't do. Wouldn't say that I'm a rebel, more like the guy always trying to start the slow clap at the wrong time. The transition from a girl to a woman is trying, but beautiful, and I just like to write down what I'm thinking at the time. I live by a quote from Jay-Z, "“Never fear the truth--Stay true to yourself. As you grow and as you mature, refine that truth.” Everything I write is my truth, at the moment.
Andraya has written 2 article(s) for us.
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
And you get this epiphany from watching an episode of judge judy?…most chicks on those court shows are born and bred side pieces..
I assume you didn’t read the entire article because not once did I say that it was based on any “epiphany” I had while watching that episode, nor did I reference it later in the article to defend any of my points. The example was presented solely to put the irrelevance of a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship into perspective before bringing up my main point a.k.a. An Introduction
You can assume all you want, however the reason I said epiphany is because you used the basis of what you saw on the show to conceptualize your ideal and arguement surrounding the whole relationship labeling, hence your going on about the girl on the show and her skewed view of what role her baby daddy played in her life, while on the other hand you singing allelujuah to judge judy’s dissertation of what he really was…
“you used the basis of what you saw on the show to conceptualize your ideal and arguement surrounding the whole relationship labeling”
That’s false. I understand that’s how you interpreted it but that wasn’t the case. Nothing that I said was based on what I saw on the show. I’d already conceptualized my ideal and my argument years before seeing that episode. What Judge Judy said was just an example of what I already thought. So I used the example to put my point into perspective for someone who doesn’t think like I do. I didn’t get the concept from watching a court show as you concluded in your first comment.
I agree with a lot of your article. We all should definitely take the time to get to know ourselves, before committing to another for life. I agree you shouldn’t jump from one serious relationship to another before really getting to know the person. And when I do decide to get married, I want it to be to someone who loves and adores me and wants to be with me forever and not just b/c now feels like the right time to make things official! However….
I am going to disagree with you on a few points:
“Boyfriend/girlfriend is a title. That’s it. In no way, shape, or form does it signify commitment.” — How are you going to trust someone to be with you and only you, if you have never required a commitment in the relationship prior to engagement? If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. But at least you put your all into the relationship. You can’t expect someone to get down on 1 knee and propose to you, and you could have been cuddled up on Johns couch last night! At some point both parties have to agree to date each other exclusively, otherwise it just gets messy. Maybe we need to adopt a new title b/c at 27, I’m certainly nobody’s “girlfriend” But the idea of commitment remains the same.
“Imagine a life where you can do you and he/she can do them. No hurt feelings. No broken promises. “– Not entirely true. I just spent the last year in one of these “Non-committed whatever you want to call it b/c it can’t be defined” relationships. I wasn’t ready to commit to him, b/c hey, why should I spend my time with you if Im not sure you’re the one? Well it ended with both parties getting hurt. If you care about someone, whether you have a title or not, it will hurt if he/she is seeing other people and it will feel like a broken promise…. So it is much better to have an understanding to be exclusive and see where it goes from there. If you don’t want homeboy anymore, then drop him and move on. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that no commitment = no feelings.
“You can’t expect someone to get down on 1 knee and propose to you, and you could have been cuddled up on Johns couch last night!”
If a man is thinking this prior to proposing, he doesn’t trust the woman does he? Because whether she was his “girlfriend” or not she could have been cuddled up on Johns couch. If he’s proposing to a woman he trusts, his best friend, that thought wouldn’t cross his mind.
“But don’t fool yourself into thinking that no commitment = no feelings.”
That’s not what I said or meant. By no broken promises I meant your feelings wouldn’t be hurt because there’s no promise of commitment to break. If somebody’s feelings get hurt, it won’t be because they got cheated on. It’ll be because they really wanted a bf/gf and weren’t ready to let go of the title. Being exclusive stems from our natural desire to say he/she is mine to make ourselves feel better and justify our hurt feelings when someone else comes into the picture when in reality, no one is “yours”, ever.
“Being exclusive stems from our natural desire to say he/she is mine to make ourselves feel better and justify our hurt feelings when someone else comes into the picture when in reality, no one is “yours”, ever.”
!!!!!!!!!!! x 100 ….say it again. lol.
Thank you for this article. Is it any wonder now why grandma and grandpa “courted” and their marriage and love outlasted ours?
The origin of boyfriend and girlfriend is not suited to the upstanding culture of highly civilized people. I, myself, was raised to court with the idea that one only courts when they are ready to begin the process of discovering who they desire to marry. There are rules to courting to protect the heart and reputation of those involved. With the aforementioned variables in place, courting is not designed to generally be more than 6 months to one year.
Courting makes one live their life according to a standard determined first by their ideals and principles, and then by their desires. Due to western influence, which we often emulate, we want to be backwards and fulfill our desires first and hope our ideals and principles line up later.
Lastly, I would like to suggest that there is a level of love where someone is “yours”, but in a sense and through a process; both which are beyond the scope of this article. On the surface, I certainly acknowledge Andraya’s point that people are choosing you and that should make us feel special.
1) Boyfriend/girlfriend is a title. That’s it. In no way, shape, or form does it signify commitment. Says who? So if give my word to a man that I am committed to him and to our relationship & that I am “foresaking all others,” my word means nothing unless I get the state that I live in to cosign on it?
2) To me, commitment is a guy going out and getting a ring, asking my friends if they like it, discussing it with his boys and our families, then nervously getting down on one knee. This is what commitment means to you. Your article assumes that marriage is everyone’s ultimate goal. It isn’t.
3) What is the point in fully committing to someone you may or may not spend your life with? So when you get married to someone, you are guaranteeing that you will spend your life with them? I’d love to live in this land that you speak of. Do they have unicorns there? I’ve always wanted a unicorn.
1) Giving your word to be committed can be done without calling the person your bf/gf. The title thing just makes ppl feel better about giving their word like some kind of insurance and proof of their commitment. It’s unnecessary.
2) At what point in the article did I say any of this was fact. As you pointed out, I said, “To me”. You could’ve stopped reading when you decided the article didn’t appeal to you. Marriage is the goal of the majority.
3) I wouldn’t marry anyone I didn’t intend to spend the rest of my life with. That’s the problem. Till death do us part has become a maybe which is part of the reason I think the way I do. Ppl put yrs into a maybe aka a bf/gf. I’ll feel more secure in a marriage built solely on love and trust without needing a title. For me, a stronger love is built when it’s just that, Love, without the politics. If you find somebody you can commit to and trust and love and know those feelings are reciprocated without the BS of a pre-game then why isn’t that a beautiful thing?
“I think a much stronger bond is created when you’re free to see whomever you want but that one girl/guy is always in the back of your mind. You’ll always return to him or her not because you made a baseless commitment to them, but because that’s where your heart is. That’s love – the kind of love that can make a marriage last. I want to look at my future husband every day and know that we’re both here by choice. Not because I got knocked up while shacking up, not because I was his longtime girlfriend so he figured he owed me the ring, and certainly not because I gave him an ultimatum. I want to marry my best friend, not my boyfriend.”
The problem with your last few paragraphs is that unconditional love is never that romantic at all times. You’re missing the fact that in long-lasting relationships (and marriages) there are times when you honestly don’t look at the other person in that favorable a light.
Unconditional love and commitment steps in during those hard times when the love you speak of is absent or on those days or nights you may not feel like coming home or dealing with your significant other (it happens more often than a lot of people will admit). Unconditional love drives you to have the hard conversations, understand the un-understandable, and find solutions to those tough situations when the only emotion at your very core is hate.
It’s at these times where the happy-go-lucky love you speak of fails. The truth of the matter is that whether you’re married or not a person is always free to see other people. No amount of imposed commitment (including marriage) will stop a person from cheating and no amount of agreed upon freedom will stop a person from committing when they believe they’ve found the one. You want love and marriage to be easy but two people will never have that easy a time making their lives adjust to the inclusion of another.
You’re not open-minded at all so this conversation is redundant. If your mind is made up then by all means, do you. This is just an alternative. Obviously the currently accepted method doesn’t work for everyone because people get divorced everyday. This is what’s working for me so j decided to share and yes it’s hard, Which I clearly stated In The article by the way. But the honesty and trust that I have with the guy I love is unmatched by anybody I know in a bf/gf relationship. We tell each other everything, even potentially hurtful stuff and most boyfriends can’t tell their girlfriends ANYTHING that might hurt her, especially if it violates an unnecessary commitment. I’m learning who this guy is as a person, not a boyfriend. So if he ever proposed I’ll feel comfortable knowing I’ve seen the best and worst of him before making that decision not a stifled version of him that’s been on his best behavior trying to prove him self to me.
you’re entitled to your own opinion, but so am I. I didn’t write the article for you. You can agree or disagree but that doesn’t make your opinion the rule.
But thanks for reading.
You’d be surprised to find how open minded I am to this topic and how much experience I have with living a life free of responsibility to another. When I met my fiance he was the roommate of a guy I was dating as part of a polygamous partnership so please don’t question my open-mindedness.
My fiance and I took a VERY long time to ease our way into commitment because I wasn’t for it at first and he wasn’t into not having it. Ultimately, it breaks down to a decision where you have to decide what you want: commitment (marriage) or no commitment…you can’t have both and it seems you ultimately want marriage so why are you preaching against commitment when that’s what marriage is? The thing about commitment is that it equals taking on a different level of responsibility in your life to a person and as long as you feel responsible to someone you are committed no matter how much you try decorate it otherwise and I get a sense there is a level of commitment in your current situation. You may not call yourself gf/bf but if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck….I’m just saying until you see the results of what this will be, don’t turn up your nose so quick.
Also it takes YEARS to really get to know a person (a good year and a half for the charade of a new relationship to completely wear off) and nothing can speed up that process. In short, I challenge your opinion because it’s premature. If you didn’t write this article for us (the reader) are you writing it for yourself to see if it sounds any better on paper than how your gut feels? Keep it real because you honestly sound like how my fiance sounded when he tried to rationalize the craziness I put him through.
Uh it sounds like you did what I described in my article so I’m confused about what you don’t agree with. And when did I say commitment was bad? I said too early of a commitment was bad. I said bf/gf titles were bad. I said girls jumping from boyfriend to boyfriend their entre lives was bad. I never said commitment to the person you have serious intent to marry was bad. I encourage that. I wrote the article for all the girls I see who’ve never been alone and don’t know who they are. You’ve figured out what works for you and I applaud that. But there are women who are still trying to get where you are. And like I said before, this is an alternative. An alternative that I knew most people wouldn’t like because it violates everything they’ve known their entire lives. But just because you dont understand it and wouldn’t do it doesn’t make it premature. Also, are you an undergrad?
Lol! @ the unicorn comment..
Unicorns? Too funny!!
Cosign your entire comment
I understand the contention with boyfriend/girlfriend titles & the seeming lack of commitment but there is commitment in it because the purpose of it is to be like a courtship (as YBP stated). I think that we use bf/gf-ship now-a-days as a sort of pre-engagement-engagement to see how successful the relationship can be. But, we’ve also blurred the previously clear demarcations between bf/gf, fiance & wife/husband so the concept of courting (as YBP noted) doesn’t work as it did previously. I think having the titles are useful for many things, such as expressing an elevated level of commitment to a relationship w/ someone being bf/gf is different from friends, dating, acquaintances/associates, FWB etc & it’s for many not as significant as wife/husband/fiance though for some it makes no difference & for others they don’t have the choice BUT to remain in their bf/gf title (given that in most states gays can’t marry).
One last thing, I know people who went immediately from bf/gf to husband/wife with NO engagement so to say that the titles do not signify commitment minizes their actual significance.
“I think having the titles are useful for many things, such as expressing an elevated level of commitment to a relationship”
Why can’t you express it without a title? I think titles are people’s way of saying, “prove yourself”. Love, real unselfish love, doesn’t expect anything in return and if you truly love someone, that doesn’t change whether they prove themselves worthy or not so what does a title do? All it serves is the business aspect of the relationship, it’s a contract to make both parties feel less likely to be made a fool of by the other, but in reality it has no effect on that whatsoever.
This entire comment (edited) can be used to debate the need for marriage. A title such as bf/gf is needed as much as we need a marriage certificate.
“Why can’t you express it without a marriage certificate? I think requiring marriage is a woman’s way of saying, “prove yourself”. Love, real unselfish love, doesn’t expect anything in return and if you truly love someone, that doesn’t change whether they prove themselves worthy or not so what does a marriage certificate do? All it serves is the business aspect of the relationship, it’s a contract to make both parties feel less likely to be made a fool of by the other, but in reality it has no effect on that whatsoever.”
I’m just playing devil’s advocate because I definitely want a title and then a certificate. lol! I can just see a man thinking about marriage the same way you do about titles.
A marriage certificate is necessary for me before I start a family. I want everyone in my house to have the same last name and all children to have the same parents. Any man that doesn’t want to get married won’t be starting a family with me because I want a traditional famy structure. If there’s no family or intent to start one in the near future, I have no desire to waste my time on a title or be an “us”. I have the rest of my life for all that.
I have a few things I agree with and that I don’t agree with. I’m engaged and a lot of the reason I’m engaged to my best friend now is because of the time we took to commit together before said engagement. Actually, I’ll even go as far as to say if he wasn’t my boyfriend prior and we were each doing our own thing we wouldn’t be where we are now because that was exactly what we doing before we decided to take each other seriously.
Your article was quite empowering but my question to you is where does your want to even get married stem from? I was never an advocate of marriage before it was given reason in my life and was just simply very happy that I found a person who loved and cared for me enough to only want to be with me. For awhile, marriage wasn’t even on the agenda until honestly him and I decided we wanted and were ready to add kids in the mix and become one as a household. Unromantic, yes, but love is what relationships thrive off of….marriage is about hard work and the business of maintaining the love established in a committed relationship.
My fiance was my boyfriend for 7 years and I never felt like he was “wasting my time” or that I was placing bets on “a possible.” My problem with your article and many younger women’s view on marriage is that there seems to be a mad dash to the alter without any thought as to why. You’re advocating never making a commitment to a person until you’re ready to walk down the aisle with them but how are they to ever understand what your wants/needs are in a committed relationship such as marriage, how are they supposed to know they are even being considered as marriage material if you never take any serious steps towards that, how are they really even to know that you’re serious about marital vows if you can’t even buckle down and make them your “one and only” prior to a proposal?
I’m sorry but it all seems very fairy tale to me. It would be nice to not have to take risking your time and your emotions but, in reality, it doesn’t work. If my fiance never committed to me and I never committed to him we wouldn’t have developed the trust we have in the marriage we are about to embark on or the faith to really build upon what we developed in our relationship. Those 7 years – PRICELESS. My best adverse advice to what you said is not to be afraid of what commitment can turn into. Be open and honest with yourself and your boyfriend/girlfriend and don’t stay in something that starts to make you unhappy. But not committing? That’s cowardice at its finest and if marriage (the ultimate of COMMITMENTS, mind you) is what you want don’t think you’re going to get there if you can’t or don’t want to commit at the most basic of levels.
How do you know it doesn’t work if you’ve never tried it? I’ve seen people do it your way and end up divorced. Never seen anyone try it this way. And I never said to rush into anything. The whole point is to wait and live until you know what you really want and you’re absolutely ready. That’s what the whole end of the article said.
“Me and my wife have lasted this many years, not because we’re in love, but because we’re loveable.” – Dick Gregory
There’s a lot of terms like; unconditional love, commitment, a ring etc. They’re all symbols. And women are obsessed with symbols, and this is simply a conversation about symbols. The truth is a man’s love is more valuable than a woman’s love, and if you really want a loving relationship, you got to raise your loving to another level, and the only way you can do that is by becoming “loveable.”
I know you’re mad, I know you’ve never heard, a man’s love is more valuable than a woman’s love but it is. A man’s love for a woman transcends his own life, a man’s love is what let’s him jump in front of a car and push you out of the way, then give you his diary so you can tell everyone in his school that his valedictorian sister sniffs cocaine.
A lot of women think they’re entitled to being love, but they really have no idea what love is, and thus don’t even know when it’s being given to them, unless it comes in the form of a symbol or a scene from a romantic movie like Love Jones.
I don’t know if you agree or disagree with me but your comment was beautiful nonetheless lol. I think women get so caught up in a title that they stop being loveable. A girlfriend feels like she’s owed something. Obviously it doesn’t happen with every girl but it happens to a lot. My thing is just calm down and learn how to love an be loved without a contract that says I’m yours and you’re mine. Learn what trust really is. It has within to do with a person proving anything to you. I think if you can have an understanding with someone And give yourselves without a title then becoming husband and wife will be inevitable because first and foremost, he/she is truly your friend.
Nothing* not within. Stupid iPhone lol.
To me this is the result of greed (selfish) and naivety run amuck. Many in this generation threw marriage under the bus. That included the process of getting married. The gradual “seriousness” of adulthood was also thrown out as well.
All I heard was “why we gotta do_____”. We didnt buy the cow because the milk was free. We then threw the baby out with the bath water. In my adolescence I wasnt with all this “that old school shit is corny-ALL OF IT”.
I knew some of the old school values was valid and some were not.
I am not saying we all should get married but when as a generation everyone starts going left it feels suspect. I dont get having several adult relationships in which none last longer than 3 years and considering that better than getting serious with one person. These days people in their mid 30′s still bicker in their relationships like they are still in their late adolescence. Couples do fight but 30 somethings BF/GF fighting sounds like a 15 yr still sucking his thumb or a 10 year old that still wets the bed-especially once you find out what the beef is…thats a whole other story.
Nobody wants to put their foot down nor admit to being wrong. Too many guys that got fooled by the bling of the late 90′s and early 2K are still in denial that they werent all that. Sad but too many women fell for that guy and worst got in deep had kids and moved in with him or to another city-as his girlfriend.
You all know how that ends.
The thing we didnt see in the “Naughty 90′s” was marriage is a process. You get engage and then start to end the “single life”. Its a conscious act.
Whats so thrilling about “wanna be my girl?” And she says yes, now back to…Madden and her reality show marathon. Who calls their parents after that? Who calls anyone after that? In fact I dont remember ever knowing the moment one of my dudes became his girls man.
Marriage makes one think about well everything. Just how will we get from 20 something with good not great jobs to middle age and enough money to do what we want as a couple? Do I really want to work this job as a married man for the rest of my life? Now in the end we all arent going to get married but I still think it should be on the table as a viable option if you can get it.
I agree that a boyfriend/girlfriend is just a title and that it should not serve as the basis for what your relationship means between the two parties involved. I think that exclusivity should be on each person’s terms, meaning if you wanted to be exclusive with me, then you will be and there is no need for me to put the boyfriend title on anything to MAKE you be exclusive.
BUT now that we have established that we are both already exclusive and that we are both interested in pursuing something more serious i.e. marriage then yes I think the title of boyfriend/girlfriend is necessary out of respect. No you will not introduce me to your friends as your “homegirl”, That’s disrespectful to me, there is nothing about our relationship that is on “homegirl” level. no I will not introduce you to my friends as “my friend” He is much morethan that to me and how dare i write him off with the same title I give somebody that I merely have lunch with twice a week or so. I give my boyfriend that title because I want other guys to know that I am off limits and that we are seriously involved.
There IS a step between courtship and marriage that seems to be ignored in judge judy’s case. You don’t just jump from one to the other. It’s called a relationship. So yes, if you do something dishonest such as sleeping with someone else within the boundaries that we have established in our relationship, then yes you are cheating. That’s what cheating is. Being dishonest.
I take care to acknowledge my relationship by giving my boyfriend a title moreso for other people. I don’t stay loyal to him beacuse he is my “boyfriend” I stay loyal to him beacuse I want to, and vice versa, the title is not what defines what we have, its just so you, he, she and whoever else knows, that this is a serious relationship. It’s about respect for me.
well said. I couldn’t agree more. My husband and I never started out as friends. within days of meeting we agreed to become boyfriend and girlfriend. but we already knew from the beginning that ours was to be a serious relationship. we never gave much thought to the significance of titles- it was just the natural progression that if you were into someone on an exclusive level, your way of signifying that, at least for other people, was to call them your boyfriend. that way it clarifies it for other people if they ask “who is this?” and you say “oh, this is my boyfriend.” so they know, hands off. no drama that way. it’s a respect thing. nothing harmful intended. now if the authoress wants to make this more complicated than it need be, be my guest, but i imagine most couples don’t give it as much thought as all that. i know we didn’t. it never occurred to us to not see ourselves as boyfriend/girlfriend. although we never needed the title to give our relationship meaning- it would have had that regardless. i know it would have been a bit ambiguous if we just went around saying “that’s my friend.” i don’t sleep with my friends. i don’t pledge myself in marriage to mere friends. so the titling does have import. every society has its version of this courtship titling, whether the authoress likes it or not.
“we never gave much thought to the significance of titles- it was just the natural progression that if you were into someone on an exclusive level, your way of signifying that, at least for other people, was to call them your boyfriend.”
My point exactly. “For other people”. Some get it, some don’t *shrugs*.
I heart this. I’ve always felt this way, and I dated a guy who HATED it. We’d have emotional UFC style battles over this very issue. He needed the title, I needed the deeds (<— HA! title insurance background creeps in). Point is, he wanted me to call him my boyfriend, I wanted him to behave like one. It's funny because even when he had the titles, he still didn't trust the relationship. The titles were his attempt to find security in something that he was never going to feel secure in; because of his OWN insecurities. I should also mention, titles or no titles, I never felt naturally committed to this guy. I never "cheated" but it was more out of moral obligation.
Conversely, I dated a guy who would laugh at me because I REFUSED to call him my boyfriend. He'd refer to me as his girlfriend and I'd correct him on it. But from our second date, I never dated anyone else, never seriously flirted with anyone else, never did anything that would break his trust; the trust he had for me without the titles. One day I was being a total snot, and we were talking it out, and he called me his girlfriend, and before I could object, he cut me off and said, "Shut up, in actuality, you're my girlfriend." I shut up (for that moment), because he was right. Commitment doesn't come from titles, it comes from people.
If a man committs to me or behaves a certain way JUST because of a title, I don't want him. I want the guy who's there for me, and trusts that I'll be there for him, titles-be-darned! Show me who who are before you "have to." My opinion is, if he'll honor me without titles, then once we get married, he'll be more likely to organically honor our marriage not because something has been forced on him but because the marriage adds accountability to what he's already committed too.
NOTE: This opinion only stretches throughout the bf/gf stages for me. Because yes, I'm a pro marriage girl. If I'm dating you seriously for some time, and the TITLE of marriage isn't on the table, then we're definitely going to go our separate ways. Trust in an untitled relationship is one thing, foolishness is a whole entire 'nother.
I think we share a brain.
Will you be my best friend?
Please?
lol, but seriously I’m glad I’m not the only one!
Andraya, my baby, my darling… I think you got an EPIPHANY in this post… I love you…
One, I am anti marriage because MARRIAGE is a raw deal for men… But let us assume that the government wasn’t in your marriage, and their was a thing as death to us part…
YOU GET IT!!!
GF/BF is a great way to string a woman along… & there is NO real penatly for cheating… It benefits the men most of the time…
But if a man married you, and signed a marriage certificate… That is PROOF THAT A MAN IS TRULY COMMITTED…
But what you have learned in the most subtle of ways, IT IS NOT THE MEN WHO ARE AFRAID OF COMMITTMENT… It is the WOMEN… That whole for life thing scares most women… And that is why they are disagreeing with you…
Women want MEN to commit to them, but if something better comes along, he jumps ship…
Most of the time, when men cheat, it is because of variety… Not because he has lost his love for you…
So, I totally co-sign your way of going about things as a black male…
But women have lower the standard so much, it has allowed men to get p*ssy without commitment… and it is going to be hard to bring that standard back…
But if you are h*llbent ongetting married you will…
And I hope it works out for you…
That “for life” thing*
She jumps ship*
Death do us part*
Yeah I knew most women wouldn’t agree. It was worth a try though. They misinterpreted pretty much everything I said and I think the women who responded were older than my intended demographic (18-22). It’s a whole different ball game when you’re in your late 20s. My main point was that girls just need to calm down and stop putting so much into boys they “like” in hopes of falling in love and living happily ever after. We have so much more to accomplish. Women get lost in men and then one day wake up and realize they didn’t do anything they said they’d do with their lives. And the man for you will still be the man for you 5 or 10 years down the line if it’s meant to be and you both truly want that, except you’ll both be better versions of yourselves and better equipped for starting a life with someone else. With the response I got, you would think I proposed legalizing polygamy lol.
Anywho, I know I won’t need to “test drive” my future husband and his commitment skills. I don’t care what anyone says, that is not trust. Love and trust don’t have to prove anything. If he gets down on one knee and we’ve been friends first, honest to each other about everything, even the hurtful stuff, no BS, I’ll have no problems accepting the engagement.
It may sound crazy, but I don’t want a guy that’s scared to hurt my feelings (not to be confused with someone deliberately or neglectfully hurting my feelings). Not saying I want to or like getting hurt. But that’s not real, even your parents, who love you the most, hurt your feelings at times. I don’t need a man to sell me a fantasy, reality is just fine for me. The bf/gf thing is all about putting on a show and proving you’re this great person. I like to see the raw, sometimes good, sometimes bad, always real version of people and men only usually show you that side when there’s no title.
Here is the issue that most men are going through & most women are neglecting…
Men want their wives young & fertile (18 – 28) so they can have children & build a life with these women (FTR, let us call them unattractive male, who make good husbands & fathers…)
The women who are 18-28 are either
- In a dead end relationship with some dude that won’t marry her (in her dating prime)
- sl*tting it up with attractive men who are sleeping with other women concurrently
- Or just plain getting her education & hoping that in her late 20s, Early 30s, her man will be there for her (sounds like what you have explained to me…)
These women are GAMBLING on the hopes that when they get to their 30s (hopefully childless), that there will be men their willing to marry…
The problem comes when they have rejected men who would have made great husbands & fathers (not attractive tho), & these guys move on with their lives… & now a decade later, that guy doesn’t want a slu.t, and maybe a young 20 year old woman… And that woman’s picking are slim…
Because when she was YOUNGER… all the men wanted her… Now that she is older, men are checking for the new crop of twenty year olds…
IDK where you fit in the spectrum… But if you want a family & a good dude… Start early, and be reasonable if you aren’t as physically attractive than a Twitter model…
It is going to be ugly for the older women looking for eligible (black) men for matrimony…
Enjoy yourself sweetheart…
Lol I really appreciate your honesty. I’ve never had problems attracting men and I already have one that’s my best friend, we’re just still very young and getting our lives together, figuring things out, so for now, we’re enjoying the moment.
I’m just glad you get it… And you stand a better chance of happiness…
That is all I can ask for
This article is a bit vague to me. I agree that people shouldn’t jump head first into a relationship but this article seemed a bit presumptuous to me. Do you expect people to just do their own thing, throw a ring on it and commit? I’m a tad confused.
No. That’s not what I expect. That’s not what I said either.
I have never agreed more with a woman’s relationship post on this blog more than the one I have just read. Well said Andraya. My only thing is this shouldn’t just apply to “undergrads” as you say but to any and all people in the dating game. Good post!
Thanks for reading!
You do bring up some good points, but I must say some of the ideas you bring up are dependent on perspective. Some points you state could easily be written off as someone just being sour with relationships, but I do agree that one must love themselves, or be comfortable being alone.
As for the “titles” portion, this goes to perspective. We use titles to establish a relationship boundaries. Granted that titles is relative to the person using them, but to not expect the exclusivity that comes with that title, you should be expected to be treated as a jump off or friend with benefits and possibly nothing more because with mainstream culture, asking for anything more than sex you step into “BF/GF” territory.
Thank you so much. You are a genius. I am an undergrad and I was confused about my relationship with a certain boy. He had this exact same idea about this “meaningless title”, but I couldn’t exactly wrap my head around it. I thought it was weird and it kind of made sense, but having my friends and family telling me things didn’t help at all. I was randomly google-ing this to make some sense of it and then I happened to run into this article. Your very thorough, creative, quirky way of explaining this confusing topic has put some peace in my mind. Again, thank you.